


Wilderness

by AmberBenetton



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Break Up, Drama & Romance, Gay Sex, Iwaizumi Hajime Swears, Iwaizumi Hajime/Oikawa Tooru Angst, Loss of Trust, M/M, Makeup Sex, Olympics, POV Third Person, Plans For The Future, Post-Olympics, Pro Volleyball Player Oikawa Tooru, Translation, Trust Issues, Volleyball
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-08
Updated: 2021-02-11
Packaged: 2021-03-06 14:55:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 58,675
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26360755
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AmberBenetton/pseuds/AmberBenetton
Summary: 25th Mar 2013 - Narita Airport.Iwaizumi’s corners of his mouth rose up cynically. He put his hands in his pockets, exhaled audibly in a long and deep breath and stuck out his chin.'Oikawa, you know what? Fuck you!'Iwaizumi Hajime and his former best friend Oikawa Tooru parted company in the most unpleasant way possible.Oikawa had had so many chances: After the party. After the overnight stay. Now - the last chance he would ever get.To convince Iwaizumi... For whom it was only the confirmation to start his studies in California and to build a new life.At least that's what he thought.
Relationships: Iwaizumi Hajime & Oikawa Tooru, Iwaizumi Hajime/Oikawa Tooru
Comments: 12
Kudos: 41





	1. Prologue: Last words

**Author's Note:**

> This story will consist of two parts: The second one is a planned sequel - Oikawa's POV, 'One Step at a time'.  
> The chapters contain some vulgar terms (you use in daily life), some sex scenes (more or less explicit if it's needed), alcohol (in glasses), drugs (not on purpose) and a lot of emotional stress (on purpose).  
> It is set after Seijoh's graduation and will lead us to 2020.  
> English is not my mother tongue but I give my best. <3

_'Oikawa, you know what? Fuck you!'_

This would be the last words which left his lips at Narita airport.

Yes, he has been surprised that Oikawa shown up. Eventually.  
After their fight, the stress and everything in general – Oikawa's former best friend did not expect it at all.

To hear that voice at the gate, all of a sudden. A little bit too high pitched and breathless. Calling for 'Iwa-chan'. His hasty, almost desperated 'Hajime, wait!' right after the first shout - This gave his heart a little bit of hope, made it jump for a second.

When he turned around and Oikawa stopped in front of him. Gasping for air, resting on his left knee, probably feeling pain in the right one.  
Holding his head up.  
Iwaizumi saw the reddened cheeks because of a long run, the bloshot eyes. The swollen eyelids and the strong appearing bags under his eyes... he had been crying up until now.  
The little wrinkles around the corner of his eyes revealed the crying even more. They were only to be seen when Oikawa was like that.

Every emotion, every thought was written in his chocolate brown irides.

The blame, the regret, the fear…

But this was not enough.

He wanted to hear it.  
Just once…

Irritated, the otherwise sneaky and bright eyes of Oikawa, which were filled up with sadness right now, wandered off to Iwaizumi’s parents, who were also very surprised of his sudden apperance.  
To Hanamaki and Matsukawa, who exchanged uncertain glances because they tried ten thousand times to convince him to come - at least.  
And then… to Iwaizumi, who took a deep breath and held it.  
Whose facial expression hardened.

He knew what will come. He knew it.  
Oikawa will draw in his horns.

'S-Sorry… I… I'm too late' smiled the former captain of Seijoh's volleyball team a big grin to hide his doubts. Looked at Iwaizumi almost apogetically.  
_He must understand that I can't tell him in front of everyone…_  
'W-Well… eh… have a safe flight… you… I… will miss you?'

_Yes, too late. You are._

Iwaizumi’s corners of his mouth rose up cynically. He put his hands in his pockets, exhaled audibly in a long and deep breath and stuck out his chin.

'Oikawa, you know what? Fuck you!' 

Finally, Seijoh' ace turned around.  
Walked away with his handluggage, a travel bag, which was slinged over his shoulder.  
Walked through the gate.  
Did not look back once. 

It did not matter that they have heard it.  
What his parents thought.  
Or Hanamaki.  
Or Matsukawa.

It did not matter anymore.  
He was so done.  
So done with Oikawa.

With his promises.  
With his apologies and excuses.  
With all the shitty feelings which have been growing over the years.

Ten years.

Gone.


	2. Start anew

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Iwaizumi Hajime is very busy with his campus life in Irvine, CA, and also in forgetting his former best friend who hurt him too much.  
> How lucky he is to have such great people around who supports him, nagging him and are always there to find a perfect guy.  
> Unfortunately they are digging too deep and a lot of familiar feelings and thoughts came up again. But then, there is this new guy... the new tutor. And a Club. And Gin Tonic. Or Whiskey.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Formatting error - I can't correct the last paragraph????  
> I'm so sorry!! I'll try again...

'Hey Hajime, are you done with that crap? I haven't finished it!'

'Yeah sure!'

'Woah, rescue incoming!'

'Shut up! I haven't said anything about giving it to you!'

'Such a meanie!'

They laughed when Iwaizumi held his folder with the written homework pages high above his head, so the 168cm tall young American Jim, with dyed blonde short hair and a fresh sidecut, could not grab it.  
Him, who was enrolled in the same class for _Functional Training_ , sat down on one of the wooden lecture room seats next to Iwaizumi, resting his head immediately on the surface of the small desk in front of him.

'Come on, show some compassion! My girlfriend broke up and I feel like shit. Please, lend me a hand? Just once?'

'It's already twice.'

'Come on!!'

Iwaizumi sighed, rolled his eyes and gave him the folder, eventually, but crossed his arms and faced his friend with a stern expression,  
'Five minutes only.'

'Thanks, man!'

The normal campus life at the UCI – the _University of Californa in Irvine_.  
As everywhere in the world one could assumpt that the students got a lot of time to enjoy their life, going to parties and everyhing, but reality was much crueler: From the first day on they were told to study with persistence, to start with exam preparations early and do not get too distracted by the wonderful, exciting stuff around them. Especially the popular fraternity meet-ups (which means parties).

The semesters' schedules they had to accomplish were hard, had a lot of homework, therefore research, projects, ...  
Iwaizumi had been very busy in the first weeks to keep up. Not only in general, regarding the amount of learning, but also – of course – the English language. He had been a B+ student in high school and could follow most of the conversations between his fellow students but the lectures and presentations were something different: expertise, technical terms and the academic level showed him soon enough how difficult it was for a foreign student to study here.

Due to these matters, Iwaizumi decided after the first semester's second week, to record the lectures with his phone. In that way he could listen to them again afterwards to close the gaps of his notes. It worked well, although it meant an extra load of work but after a year he got used to the standards, so that this method was used by him only once in a while.

His day started around 6 AM. Running, he took a shower, ate something for breaktfast and went to the seminar at 8 AM. After another lecture, there was the one-hour lunch break and afterwards he had some self-study sessions, went to the library or had sport practise. Two times a week he went to the university's volleyball club. Inbetween a fast snack or another small break.  
And then, of course, there was social life and his part-time job in the sport shop, 20 minutes away from campus, because the study fees and cost of living were not as cheap as one might think. Not everyone had rich parents or a scholarship which meant that you were in need of a job.

Well, and regarding his social life… most of the time he that he arranged with his old high school friends Hanamaki and Matsukawa to skype. Or with his family. Because of the time difference they had to plan these calls beforehand. The reason why there were a lot of dates and underlined days in his calendar.

That busy daily life meant, that days exist when even the energetic and fit Iwaizumi just wanted to stay in bed – sometimes he was just too tired but still had to get up early again.  
Today was such a day and so he did not have a lot of patience for the suffering of his fellow student and whose (usual) Sorry-I-forgot-my-homework excuse. While Jim was occupied, copying Iwaizumi's notes, Iwaizumi himself closed his eyes the last ten minutes before the lecture, planning to take a short nap. The voices around him were turned down like a radio, got almost mute. Far away. He was so ready to fell (half) asleep. But then a loud laughter brought him back. A female one. Ellen.

She was also one of his friends. That class was the only one the colourful group was enrolled to all together.  
First, as mentioned above, Jim Carter. A young man of 20 years, who was even smaller than Iwaizumi. His passion was swimming: Crawling was his strength. He was bright, a happy guy and almost always in a good mood but if it came to women, he had a really bad taste _and_ a streak of bad luck. When he got dumped it was really hard to get along with him.

Next one: Ellen Stern, 25 years old, who was in turn taller than Iwaizumi – her laughter echoed in a nice melodic way through the lecture room. Today, she sat behind him. Her wavy, copper red hair, swayed on her shoulder as she laughed an she was really proud of it. Ellen had a tattoo under her right earlobe with an elegant, black flower tendril. Thanks to her personal weight training she got more muscles than a woman usually had and could even beat Iwaizumi in arm wrestling. She also had wore her heart on her sleeves, which made her a complicated human being from time to time, but he liked it. It was her task to bring Jim back to reality if he lost it from time to time.

Then there were Hannah, Jo and Kahaan – last one had told a joke to Ellen right now, the reason why she laughed. Kahaan Kumar was also a student from another country and therefore had his language issues. He himself was a kind man in his early 30s who had worked as a social worker in a children and youth club in his hometown and leaded the club's soccer team. The only concern he seemed to have was his baby face, so he decided to try out a beard – but it was only halfway success. After he saw himself with the peach fuzz, the next day he was shaved nicely again. 

Jo Perez and Hannah Williams sat in front of Iwaizumi and were the only couple of the group. The two girls stand by it and did not even try to hide their relationship or sexuality. Why should they? In California, same sax marriage was legal since 2008, like Jo told them again and again. At their university she was the Equal Opportunities Officer, was working very actively, so students and tutors must not be scared of discrimination or even worse.  
Hannah was a counselor for those who wanted to come out or were worried about the aftermath when they would do so. She was giving advise to them and sometimes also talked to the concerning persons like family and friends.

Iwaizumi was really fond of the girls' eagerness and was asked if he did not want to become a member, too. And really, if he had time, he would. But with the strict schedule of his, he was glad to spend at least some minutes with relaxing and doing nothing. On the other side the two had to be active in such stuff because they were both scholar ship holders.

Jo was half Cuban, therefore had a little bit darker skin and hardly tamable hair which she decided to shave short two weeks ago, dyeing her fuzz of hair silver. Everyone of the group had been shocked because it meant a loss of more than 60 cm. Jo had just laughed and shrugged, rather showing her new violett lipstick than talking about her sudden change of style. She did not give a shit about others' opinions - but if someone had good arguments, she would listen.

Inspite of her, Hannah was a skinny American with dark blonde curly hair. Still she had well proportionated boobs and hips. She was the most sensitive person among them and easily felt offended by a comment or look.

Jo and Hannah had been a couple since high school. In a few weeks they would celebrate their 4th anniversary and next year they even wanted to move together.

Last but not least: himself. Iwaizumi Hajime, 20 years. Moved from Japan, Miyagi, two years ago and was now in the middle of studying sports science to become an athletic trainer. Responsible, but sometimes napping during classes. His diet was healthy but sometimes he had this crave for yummy oily flapjacks since he was living here. Iwaizumi, who was often seen with a grumpy face but who was also a good buddy to laugh with. 

'Hajime, you were part of the volleyball team during high school, right?' Jo asked suddenly.

'Y-Yeah?' he said irritated and nodded.

'Is it true that it's like… being part of an army? The Japanese high school teams?'

Iwaizumi went silent for a moment but then needed to laugh a little bit because the tought of his volleyball dorks from back when came up – the team, with whom he spent three times together on the court. Army? _As if._

'No, it wasn't that bad' he replied with a remaining grin on his lips, put his arms on the small desk, being a little bit nostalgic, while going on, 'We… trained every day except Monday, but-'

' _Every day?_ ' Jo snapped,  
'That _is_ like an army! You Japanese guys are crazy!'

'Watch the Inter High matches on Youtube and you know why we are that good!' he grinned.

'You've been an outside hitter, right?' Hannah asked again.

'Yeah.'

'And the school's ace!'

'Huh? How do you know that?' Jo wanted to know from her girlfriend who smiled apogetically,

'... I googled.'

'You're cyber stalking your classmates?' Jim acted disgusted, 'Are you sure, you're studying the right stuff? Shouldn't it be criminology or something like that?'

'Oh, shut up!'  
Hannah took her eraser and throw it at the blonde guy.  
'It was just a coincidence!'

 _How can that be a coincidence?_ the volleyball player thought sceptically.  
That was just a really bad excuse.

'Well… but what surprised me… you've never told us about the _combination_ you played?'

Iwaizumi's green eyes widened a bit. His throat felt dry in an instant and he tried to swallow to get rid of the scratchy feeling, but it just manifested itself as the conversation continued,

'What do you mean – combination?' Jim wanted to know and raised his eyebrows.

'Well, a combination means a formation with another teammate, so you can play out the right strategies and so on…'

'And what is so special 'bout that?'

'Hajime's partner from is in the Argentine club _San Juan_ and operates as their second setter, right now!'

'What? _San Juan_?'  
Jim's head swung fast to his neighbour,  
'Hajime, is that true? You know someone from _San Juan_?'

His throat had swollen even more – at least it felt like this. He did not want to think about it or want to be remembered, since he had been repressing all the memory shit for almost a year.

'I do' Iwaizumi replied briefly and hoped that it was enough, but of course his friends were very interested in the topic, now, wanted to gather more information.

'What was his name again… Oizawa? Oitara? No..'

' _Oikawa Tooru._ '

Jesus, how hard was it to get this name over his lips?

'That's it! Right! D'you still have contact?' Jim asked.

'His insta is really busy!' Jo added, held her phone in her hand and scrolled down on the display. It seemed she loaded his feed…

The anger which had been shut inside his heart up until now, was set free again. Crept outside of his innerst, into his stomach, got bigger and bigger with every passing minute.  
The Japanese' hands clenched to fists.

'Wow, he really is famous! Seriously, if I weren't Lesbian I would fall for him immediately!'

_Yes that‘s the fucking problem._

'Really? Show me!'

Jim leant forward and looked over Jo's shoulder.  
Even Iwaizumi could see the bright smile Oikawa's, presenting himself in his lightblue jersey – surrounded by four men who also wear the same colour and were doing some silly poses… His hair was shorter than before. His smile somehow more honest.

'I dunno… he isn't that beautiful!'

'Not this one in behind, silly!' Ellen inferfered and reached with her arm between Jim and Iwaizumi, pointing with her finger in the direction of the display,  
'This one. This is Toru. He was a sunny boy during high school, wasn't he?'

'We don't have contact anymore, okay?' it was too colourful for Iwaizumi's liking and shouted louder than wanted.  
The group went immediately silent, giving him a questioning look,  
'We're also… we aren't friends anymore. So… could we ignore the topic?'

Yes, he sounded a bit bitchy, aggressive and was in a bad mood. It just triggered him. Still.  
And that was something which annoyes Iwaizumi.  
Being annoyed of being annoyed.

'E-Eh... okay?' Jim said overwhelmed and surprised by that outburst. Usually his friend was not like this. Of course, he also had his impulsive moments but those were only performed when Ellen nagged him in an extreme way everyone would boil with rage.Right now... An old sore was reopened.

Iwaizumi's mood remained moody throughout the day. Even at lunchtime he was grumpy and muttered silently for himself. So much that the others startes talking about his deep, scary eyebrow furrow.

*** * ***

'Come on! Don't be a grumpy mess!'  
Ellen hit his back. He snarled.  
'You‘d better focus on the next class. We will get a handsome, new tutor' she chirpedand licked over her perfect painted red brown lips.

'Whatever. Who cares?' he mumbled, put his hands in his pockets and walked with her along the wide, long floor.

Exiting the main building and going to the annex, which contained the laboratories for biomechanics and motion analysis. Here, they had the next session. Therefore they crossed the main street of the campus which was usually busy with shuttle busses or cars of the facility service or students on their bikes.

' _You_ should be interested!‘ She poked him with her ellbow, so he was rubbing his ribs after. The fifth and sixth, to be precisely. Damn anatomy classes…  
He will remember all structures and muscle origins even after years, which he had had to hammer in during the first year.

'When was the last time you had sex?'

'What!?'

'Don‘t be so surprised! I suggest that you are just totally under-'

'Don't you date to speak that out!'

'Boo!‘ she stucked out her tongue,  
'Seriously, I don‘t what is so fucking wrong with that, but when we talk about _Oikawa_ , you seem to be a 15 year old girl with a broken heart.'

Iwaizumi stopped, stared at her in disbelief and got… actually very… red.

'Stop talking bullshit!' he cried out, his head turned around to the front and walked quickly away. 

'Well, then you _can_ take a closer look at our tutor, can't you?'

'I shouldn't have ever told you that I'm gay' he groaned and raked his fingers through his short spikey hair.

'Right, you shouldn't. Now I will pick up some handsome men for you!'  
The redhead blinked and laughed,  
'And if you don't want them… I take them with deep gratitude! Easy!'

Yes, that suits her. She was… well… relaxed, regarding relationships. _Try and Error_ was her motto.  
A lot of _trying_.  
Nowadays, Iwaizumi had unwanted knowledge about her preferences and sex life. Things he never, absolutely _never_ wanted to know. He rolled his eyes.

They stepped inside the light grey concrete building with the large window aisle in the entrance area, walked downstairs to the laboratories and looked for their room. Entering that one, two, three fellow students were already there. Greeting each other politely - they had never met before - Iwaizumi and Ellen put their bags on one of the desks, which were placed directly against the wall. Six other students followed – the number was limited to ten, so that there were various groups for that subject in the semester.

'What a wonderful day, everyone!' an unknown voice chirped, coming from the door.

The pitch was comfortable, deep melodious and therefore Iwaizumi looked up, was curious. The readhead next to him just grinned.

Okay… he had to admit… the tutor who entered the room and walked up to the front _does_ look handsome. Somehow. 

He stopped in the center of the students' circle, still smiling at the group. Ocean blue eyes wandered at them. The guy was tall, had a wide back. Brown, short hair. A little bit wavy on the top. Square-edged face and clean-shaved. How old was he? Around early 30s?  
Nevertheless he had bathed a lot in California's sun - literally a _sunny boy_.

'Nice to have you here. I'm looking forward to introduce you the magic of biomechanics in the next weeks and let you sweat on the treadmill and the ergometer!' he welcomed them and talked about himself right away,  
'My name is Daniel Eckhardt. Actually, I'm working in as a tutor for sports science in Germany, Cologne. Because of our partnership with the UCI I applied for an exchange and lucky me got the chance! So, I'll spend at least a year in Irvine, earning experiences and so on. If you have any questions about the term, I'm your man to ask. As you see, even old guys like me can get a seat here!'

The group of students giggled but Iwaizumis friend was already too curious, so she could not stop herself to raise her hand and ask,  
'So, how old _are_ you?'

'28' Daniel answered and looked at her neighbour, Iwaizumi.  
Their eyes met for a moment and the black-haired guy blinked irritated.

The lecture would be continued in a cozy, comfortable atmosphere. Their tutor really know how to give a presentation, how to activate motivation and how to ask the right questions which make it even more interesting to listen and not to gaze off. Although it was just the introduction of the course – which content waited to be conquered, which kind of exam they had to take, what was expected in general – there was still a lot to laugh and even Iwaizumi's mood lifted. Maybe just a few percent but that was better than nothing. Only Ellen complained at the end, that Eckardt did not take special notice of her.  
Sure, it was more a joke but Iwaizumi could tell about the small hint of truth behind it: his fellow student was a kind companion but she also had the quirk that she was always looking for new prey to hunt. And the prey should react in a proper way: surrender to her.

'Why does it leave you so cold?' she wondered and sulked during the next break,

'He's such a hottie and you're not turned on the slightest bit?'

'Not my type.'

'Urgh… can it be... that you're still mad about the Nate thing?'

'Could you please stop digging in to my past?' he snarled and he knitted his eyebrows.

_flashback_

Nate had been his first college love – at least it looked like that. He had been in his 2nd year when they first met in the library. An open-minded young man. Medical student, third semester. Wanted to work in the paedriatrics after approbation. For Nate, it had been love at first sight, he admitted to the other one later. And somehow... Iwaizumi let him. Maybe, because he still was hurt about what happened in Japan. Maybe, he wanted to start anew. It was Iwazumi's first year in Irvine and therefore a chance to move on? So the started their relationship. Simple asking the other out. They spent weeks together on dates, in their rooms of the student residence, where they were living. Also some nights... 

For Iwaizumi it had been the first time to get that close and intimate in such a physical manner. Nate had taught him how to lay back, to speak about sexual desires, to enjoy. And he would have never complained about it. But… it did not work out.

In the end, Nate never had wanted a close relationship - He told him that he would move. With the new semester. Give up on his studies and start working at his parents' ranch in Ohio.  
At that moment, they had been in Nate's bed. It was a sunny Sunday morning. Iwaizumi lay on his stomach, eyes closes, Nate on his back, arms behind his head. Relaxing from a good and refreshing turn of _Good morning_ -sex.

'I'll move in two months.'

'What?'

'I'll leave college and help my family with the ranch.'

The only thing that Iwaizumi was able to do: laughing. Nothing of this man reminded him of a farmer. He was just a big city boy. Did not like insects, did not like mud. That he was with a family which owned a ranch: impossible. But then Iwaizumi realised that he basically did not know anything about this guy called 'Nate'.  
That they did not know anything of _each other_. They had never talked about their lives before the UCI. Not about family. Not about friends. He was not so eager about it, because that was one of the reasons he had came to California in the first place: leave it all behind. A certain person.

And so, his and Nate's relationship was one for the _good days_. That was what they had.  
Nothing more, nothing less.  
'Fuck it, Nate.'

_back to the present_

'Hajime, seriously. You should go on dates. Let's go to the club Jo wants to drag you to since ages! There are some good men!' Ellen insisted.  
Sometimes she was so persistent...  
'Choose one, have some good sex and everything will be better!'

'You really think gay sex is on glittering clouds and heals everything, eh?'

'No, but I just noticed you're lacking of serotonine! Come on, take heart!'

*** * ***

And that was what he did tonight. _And_ he regretted it within the first ten minutes.  
The club itself was okay. A location big enough, with nice seating corners for groups, enough tables and a seperated dance floor. The list of available drinks was plain, but the prices okay. Also, one does not have to be nervous to smell like hemp or other kind of smoke the morning after. You really could spend a nice evening here. Of course most of the audience were students but that did not kill the atmosphere.

It had just been a bad idea to join the dorks:

Ellen tried to find some guys for him. Guys he did not even take notice of.

Jo and Hannah fight over the misunderstanding that Jo had allowed being touched by another woman…

Jim was just the kind of guy who gets depressed after drinking too much alcohol and lamented about his ex girlfriend.

And Kahaan… well… he disappeared, was found on the dancefloor, and would be 'happy' to see some embarrassing photos of himself on Insta or Facebook soon enough. (He should pray that there would not be any pictures on LinkedIn, that could ruin his reputance but… he should not have drunken so much Tequila?)

Last but not least - the music was a mess. The deejay should rework his playlist. But maybe it was just not Iwaizumi's favourite.

The barrel overflew when Jim suddenly came over, drunk, and yelled out of the blue: 'You're so strong playing volleyball. Why didn't give it a try to become a pro like Oikawa?'

Wow.

Being annoyed was just an understatement. He was _pissed_ , did not reply, just left Jim alone and went over to the bar for ... who knows how many times? Just one last drink and he would return home! Enough!

Furthermore he also had classes in the morning and work in the late afternoon tomorrow - another busy day he should be prepared fore. So it was not a surprise that Iwaizumi was not fond of the idea that someone wanted to get in touch with him the moment he wanted to order his Gin Tonic, exhaling the air and did not turn around.

'Oh haven't you been in my lecture, today? Hajime Iwaizumi, right?'

Iwaizumi's green eyes blinked suspiciously to his right side when he stood by the bar counter was finally able to order his drink.

In disbelief he looked to the one whose voice seemed familiar to his ears. The corner of Iwaizumi's mouth dropped then dropped even more as he recognised... _him._

_Fuck... seriously? And… what was his name again?_

Yes, Iwaizumi had some issues remembering names, but being a little bit tipsy made it even worse. Finally, it came to his mind.

'Eh… _Eckardt_ … it was?'

'Yes, but _Daniel_ is just fine.'

Iwaizumi turned his head in disapproval and looked at the bartender who prepared his drink. He did not like the buddy stuff between tutors and students. They are not friends and they would not be. Moreover, he was not in the mood for smalltalk. So he waited in silence now, payed for his Gin Tonic, grab the glas and wanted to go with a 'Bye'.

In the meantime Daniel had watched his student carefully from the side and sipped on his Whiskey.

When Iwaizumi wanted turned his back on him, he raised his voice again,

'Have a bad day?' he asked and the other just made a grimace.

'First: no. Second: it's none of your business! Third… whatever!' He did not even had a third point to tell him.

'Woah, keep cool!'

Daniel put the glass on the surface of the counter and lifted his hands, gesturing to calm down.

'I don't want to fight. I just want to make some friends here, that's all.'

'And club with 90% students are the right point of contact?' Iwaizumi's right eyebrow raised sceptically.

'Well… most of the tutors are over 40. I feel a little bit wrong there, you know?' Daniel laughed,  
'Family, marriage, children, dogs, … that kind of stuff. I'm far away from that.'

Somehow, Daniel caught his attention again and Iwaizumi's mind changed a bit. He wanted to stay, wanted to hear more about that guy – he did not know why but by putting down his glass on the counter, too, she showed him that he was willed to talk now.

'So… you said that you're from Germany?'

'Yes, _ganz genau!_ ' Daniel grinned and answered in his mother tongue.  
'And you? By your name... I guess Japan, right?'

' _Sou yo._ '

'What got you here?' Daniel wanted to know and Iwaizumi replied with the prepared answer he had for everyone, without revealing too much of his private life,

'The possibilities. In Japan we don't have too many options to choose from, regarding Sports Science and AT. And it'll be much easier to handle then I'll work with sportsmen from all over the world. The English language, I mean.'

The tutor nodded with a smile, sipped on his Whiskey once more and let his eyes wander.

'That's true. In the end... I'd say, it's the same for me.'

Iwaizumi also drank from his Gin Tonic and looked unnoticeably to his conversation partner.

_Ellen's right… he's really a hottie_

That thought crossed his mind and he bit his tongue punitively. What was that?  
 _Fuck you, alcohol! Fuck you, Oikawa!_

'And what's the reason, that you wanna get so drunk? You don't seem to be regular?'

'Huh?'

'Also in class' Daniel mentioned and pointed with his finger at the place between Iwaizumi's eyebrows,

'You wear that expression since lunch' he smirked,

'Scary.'

'Whatever. It's been a day full of bullshit.'

'That's why? Isn't it the fifth already? Aren't you a sportsman with responsibility for your body?'

'And you? A tutor for Sports Science with no responsibility at all?' Iwaizumi throwed back with a cynical smile, empyting his glass in one draft on purporse. Shit. That burnet down his stomach well.

'Touché' Daniel laughed again but now this fingers overcame the distance to Iwaizumi's at the polished surface on which were some dried traces of water, wine and beer to be seen. Stroked briefly over the back of the hand. A soft shiver was sent down the Japanese' spine.

'Sometimes… it isn't wrong. Relieving pressure, I mean.'

Iwaizumi pressed his lips together. Looked the other in the eye, which had that special expression he knows too well. An expression which could be a hint of what might be happen. If he let him.

_She's right… I'm really..._

*** * ***

He panted when he felt both fingers inside of him. That was… uncommon… it did not hurt but it felt strange.

'Relax, Hajime… relax.'

_Easier said then done. You‘re not the one who will get his ass fucked!_

But biting his lips, Iwaizumi tried to do what he has been told: closing his eyes, keep breathing. Let loose... Better.

Daniel's index and middle finger came deep now and could scissor the black-haired young man. Preparing him for the real thing. Above all, he could go on precisely and not tinkering, so he hit a sensitive spot soon enough, which caused to widen Iwaizumi's eyes a bit more and let him moan.

_Fuck… what… is he…?_

'Much better' Daniel murmured in his ear, while starting to kiss the sill area of his neck's sideline, tracing the wet spots with his tongue and thrusting provocatively but carefully with his fingers again and again. Got him to reveal a melody of further moans.  
Iwaizumi held his head pressed back into the nape of his neck. Enjoying the positive feelings which had grown, eventually.

' _So_ much better' the tutor corrected himself with a lascivious smile on the lips, then entered with a third finger and watched eagerly how his partner winding beneath him, his athletic body lolls and already got him into other spheres. 

'Is it your first time?' Daniel wanted to know quietly.

'No… it isn't. Just… I've usually been… the top' Iwaizumi grumbled with a pinkish blush on his face and the brown-haired one gave him a giggle in return.

'Oh, I'm sorry' he said playfully, curled his fingers now, causing Iwaizumi to whimper because of being more than horny and wanting so much more,  
'I'll be careful' Daniel teased.

'If I can't sit properly tomorrow… you'll pay for that!' Iwaizumi grumbled in his angry tone he still could put on if he was with such provocative guys, but since he had moved to California, it was pretty rare. 

'At least it'll tell me that I was especially good' the elder grinned brightly,  
'Hajime, don't look so grumpy. You'll go bald!'

That sentence gave his partner a visible shock.   
He could not respond. He could not react. He even had to hold his breath.  
That hurt.

_Fuck._

_'Iwa-chan, aren't you trying too hard? The girls won't notice you anyway, my cutie! If you‘re pondering that much, you'll go bald!'_

'H-hey… what's wrong? Was I too harsh?' Daniel's voice brought him back to the present. Iwaizumi blinked, shook his head, irritated about the fact that his subconciousness could bring up this unimportant high school memory, 'Everything's okay?'

'Yes… Yes, it's okay' he replied quickly but contritely.

_Damn you, Jo… if she hadn't…_

'Seriously, Hajime. Shall I stop?' the tutor was not convinced that his partner was okay at all, watched him with a questioned and stern look. Of course if could hurt the first time and probably it would. Comfortable was something else. So he could understand, if-

'Fuck, no! Just do me already!!'

That shout came loud. Daniel looked shocked but Iwaizumi ran his hand through his hair, lay it down on his forehead and looked away. Frustrated. At least that is what it seems to be for the one above him.

When Iwaizumi's green eyes looked back, slowly, to Daniel… only two seconds and his lips were pressed against the other's.

His warm, a little bit rough tongue pushed inside Daniel's mouth, drew him in a passionated and hurrican like storm – no chance to withdraw.  
Hunger, lust but also a way to escape from something the elder could not understand, yet.

Daniel got this as a hint to obey and to fulfil Iwaizumi's wish. He pulled out his fingers, the volleyball player panted and let go of and breaking the kiss. The tutor did not know that it was that kept upsetting Iwaizumi that much but it did not matter. If he really wanted it – relieve the pressure with sex – then it should be. That was why they were here anyway.

Taking the wrapped condom from the night console next to his bed, the ripped open the package, took out the rubber and roll it off while sitting. He took the tube of lube which already did its job while preparing Iwaizumi, and put something of it in his hand, lubricate his errected member. And while he was doing so, Iwaizumi's mind played tricks.

_Fuck it! I don't wanna hear this voice anymore. I don't wanna see his damn face anymore!_

Yes, that was it what he wanted. He wanted to _forget_.  
Put everything aside.

Forget that they spoke of him today.

Forget that he had seen that photo, in which he seemed to be so happy – _without_ him.

Forget that someone like Oikawa Tooru put him more than ten years under his spell and then – just because of his fucking fear regarding other people's reaction – dropped him like a hot potato.

And still being hurt was so frightening that he wanted to do anything to really, really forget it.

'Shift your hips.'  
Daniel was above him again, positioned himself between his legs and waited for his help.  
Right after Iwaizumi had shift his hips a little bit higher, he pushed forward.

The first thing, the bottom felt, was pain. Not only a bit. Although Daniel prepared him well.  
Panting, he let out a hissed 'Fuck' but it was good. The pain was good. Cover up everything else. Thoughts. Emotions.

Daniel stopped, looked down on him, a bit worried,

'I said you'd better relax' he murmured but before he could continue talking, Iwaizumi had put his legs around his hips and pull him even closer inside.

What made him so eager to feel that pain on purpose? Daniel did not have the sligthest clue but the answer would have been so easy: the physical pain was better to endure than the mental one. 

He needed some time to get used to the pain and the feeling, so he could loose it a bit more and Daniel could go further, penetrate him deeper without let Iwaizumi pleading for a break. He was still a bit tensed up and had to force himself to relax. Telling his body that he really wanted this right now and that there was no need to fight against it.

Then… finally, it went smoothly. Did not hurt so much. Of course there was a slight twinge from time to time but it was more than bearable. Maybe his nerve endings were already sedated because of the constant rubbing, or whatever. But feeling the thrusts, the movements inside him got somehow pleasant. 

And therefore it was not only Daniel who moaned quietly into the ear of Iwaizumi but also himself to let out one or the other delightful sound.

'Better?'

Daniel's heavy breathing touched Iwaizumi's skin who looked up: noticing the forward movement of the shoulders, as he support himself on the mattress. Noticing the muscles of his arms which were working. Feeling Daniel inside.

And yeah, it got better. _Much_ more better.

'Better' Iwaizumi said while swallowing and got a smile of Daniel in return – which was really – _really_ , really – sexy.  
So much that he forgot to breathe and could only whisper 'Do me. Hard.'

The grin of the brown-haired man got bigger and all of a sudden he lifted Iwaizumi's legs, bent them to his chest and got himself closer, so his whisper was clearly hearable,

'Oh, you don't know how much I'll appreciate this.'

The next replies of Iwaizumi were a combination of whimpers and moanings. As Daniel penetrated him again and again with his fucking whole length and thrusting hard inside, hitting spots which let Iwaizumi seeing stars. After that, a whole melody of sensual notes was following and his partner jumped up, sharing all of this as a duet.

That had nothing to do with love.

Just two bodies, feeling the urge to get rid of stress in a physical way.

Wanted to feel the overwhelming moment of the orgasm.

The immense weariness after sex.

Everything would be blown away, made it possible to sleep peacefully.

Just for this one moment.

Just for tonight.


	3. Hangover

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hajime suffers from a hangover and wakes up in another man's flat.  
> He does not want to make a scene, only wants to give backe the keys to its rightful owner but that one gets him into emotional trouble.  
> 

_Damn hangover..._

When was the last time he felt like shit? Months ago...

Usually, he was never exaggerating with alcohol or was drinking on an half empty stomach but... Yesterday it seemed he definitely needed both: the amount of alcohol _and_ the burning feeling in his digestive tract afterwards.  
Urgh... and that one was rumbling unstoppable, pinching him from the inside and giving him that ugly feeling of nausea.  
And that fucking lower back pain! Just when he wanted to roll over, to his right or left. Everything was aching!  
Iwaizumi squinted his eyes and groaned.

He really did not want to get up. No matter how much California's bright sunrays tried to keep tickling him on his nose.

He - did - not - want - to - get - up.  
  
But the more time he spent in bed, the more restless his mind became. His mind, which wanted to submit a guilty conscience right to his heart:  
  
 _Stand up! If the sun is high like that, it is at least 10 AM. You have to get to the campus! Get a grip!  
_

Okay... he would. Sat up. Just take it slow! Really, really slow.  
Groaning once more, because of the movements his spine and his hip had to accomplish.  
Because he felt his shoulder blades complaining about being pulled together in order to make an effort of stretching his stiff and wracked body.  
Because a sudden pain hit his right temple, when he was about swinging out of bed.

However, although it seemed obvious, it was not that fucking pain which made it impossible to get on his feet.  
Actually... he simply could not!  
Why he did not reach the ground?  
Why was he touching even more bed with his toes and heels?  
  
Oh, screw that!  
  
Okay, restart! From the bottom end!   
He slided over the edge of the bed. Noticing, that it was his pure naked bottom which rubbed over the crumpled grey sheet.

... _Naked?_

Did he forget to put on his boxers before going to bed? Or... did he just pull them off, right with his pants?  
Too many questions and another strong pain behind his forehead.  
Eventually, Iwaizumi's feet touched the cold floor. No. Not a floor. A _carpet?_  
  
 _What the fuck is going on?_

He rubbed his eyes with the back of the balls of his hands, lifted his lids properly and gazed right in front of him. Focusing.  
There was a window. The typical American kind of windows you have to push up.   
To his left: More bed. The reason he felt lost on the mattress, a second ago.  
To his right: A door which would presumbly lead to a corridor.  
There was only one conclusion: It was not his room in the student residence. Clearly, absolutely not.  
But tantalizingly slow - the more he was sitting here in a stranger's room on a stranger's bed - he remembered what had happened last night.  
Pictures came to his mind. Very intimate and... somehow also very dirty pictures. A silent movie which let him exhale deeply.  
The club. Jim's lament. The one-too-many Gin Tonic. Daniel's offer.  
How they had left the location, fingers intertwined:  
 _  
They did not speak a word when they crossed the street and walked on the wide pavement through the almost silent night. Far away laughter from other restaurants and pubs. A cool breeze.  
_ _It was only, when they got on the train and were standing in the gangway - nobody else in here, just them - that the tension between them rose even more. A sizzling atmosphere came up, surrounded them - already built fifteen minutes ago when Daniel had touched Iwaizumi's hand on that cold and sticky bar counter.  
They gave in to the moment.  
A short glance. An even shorter breath of air until their lips finally collided. Daniel's hands which cupped Iwaizumi's face with so much desire, run through his short spiky hair. __Dancing tongues, fiercly, untamed and on an adventure to discover much more. Hands touching each other's backs. Iwaizumi's fingertips which slid under the sem of the tutor's shirt. Stroking the bare skin with longing. Daniel pinioned him against the door in an instant. He thought that he heard a soft moan, but the subway's loud rattling was drowning almost everything.  
They almost jumped off on the platform, after arriving at their destination. They did not run but it felt like it. Quick, big steps, there was no time to waste. The tingling _something _in their gut. Right down, in the loin.  
Impatiently fumbling the key into the lock of his apartment, Daniel was already trying to tear off Iwaizumi's jacket, continuing where they had to stop in public._

So he knew _exactly_ where he was.  
At whose place.  
Only that person was missing.  
  
Iwaizumi grabbed his jeans from the floor, which was half twisted, and fished out his mobile from one of the back pockets.

**10:09 AM**

  
'Fuck...'

An angry sigh escaped his throat and he rubbed the inner corner of his eyes with his fingers.  
He slept over and had already missed the first lecture. The second had started twenty minutes ago, so he did not need to hurry anymore.  
If it was not for the professor, he was tutored by: way too strict with listing the student's attendance in his seminars. Always hoping, that they miss and he could make their lives miserable.   
Some of Iwaizumi's fellow students joked about it and said that he was a hunter, waiting for his prey to come to him. Aim at them. Shoot them down.  
Well... he was not sure if it really was just a joke or the bad truth... and he would find it out by himself next week. But whatever. Right now, it could not be helped.

His tired eyes swept the half dark room. Adjusting and examining his surrounding he did not give a damn about before.  
Dark grey curtains were not closed properly. Therefore, the sun had its chance to cleave its way with a long vertical ray inside.  
On the laminated floor his clothes were spread, but also one or two things of Daniel's.  
It was clean and tidy, very spacious for a single-apartment and nicely decorated: light grey walls, white door frames and window sills. The heavy curtains fit pretty well, too. The owner of this apartment had chosen modern, simple white furniture for the bedroom. The double bed had a thick mattress, was comfortable (he could also remember that) and the central point of the room. Next to it, on both sides, were two small nightstands with a drawer and on the wall were two installed nightlights, which could be switched on and off by pressing a round button.

_Who else slept here?_ \- it crossed his mind when he got up, collecting the rest of his clothes.  
He did not believe that he was the only one who was offered a night's lodging.

Why should that?  
  
Daniel was a handsome man of the right age - not too young but not too _settled down-old_ as the tutor claimed before - was clever, sporty and had taste in alcohol but also in decoration. Knew how to tidy up.  
So why should not he have a _guest_ from time to time?  
The 20-year-old volleyball player remembered another given statement in the club:  
'I just want to make friends, here!'

_Friends? What kind of?  
_

Putting his stuff on his arm, he walked out, to the corridor. Swearing with every single step he made, and promising himself, that he would keep his back straight and rise from his knees whenever he had to squat down today. His lower back would be thankful for it. (Well, so that was the consequence of having asked to be 'done' harshly...)  
To his left was the entrance, his right side lead to the living room. Across the bedroom was another door. Probably the bathroom?  
A shower would be an excellent idea right now. And the fact of oversleeping had one advantage: he could return home, get changed and therefore was not in the inexcusable position to wear the same clothes as last night.  
An obvious sign, which would tell his friends, he had made out with someone intensively.  
Moreover, Iwaizumi was not eager to shout out that it was the sexy foreign tutor... What got him back to another question:

_Did he really just leave me here?_

He was a stranger himself and could steal anything! For example... the round glass bowl on the wooden chest, next to the door he was heading for. It he wanted to.  
But another thing caught his attention: His eyes lingered on the surface of the furniture: There was a memo with his name on it.

_Guten Morgen, Hajime!  
  
_ _I had to leave for the lecture which you will miss, probably._  
 _You can give me back the keys after the exam._  
 _Please, help yourself with the stuff in the refridgerator, if you are hungry._

_See you!_

Iwaizumi put the square-shaped sheet back and his eyesbrows narrowed sullenly.  
Okay, he _did_ leave him here.

_Why didn't he just wake me up?_

He mumbled, went in the so-guessed-bathroom, which revealed to be one when he switched on the lights.  
After getting himself a short overview, he put his stuff to his right on the storage surface, next to the oval white sink, and stepped forward to the shower.  
  
Examining the water tap device, he pressed the lever and turned the thermostat from 37 °C to 33 °C.  
The warm water drops splashing out to his arm, got a bit cooler and were still comfortable. Iwaizumi lower his eyelids and was enjoying the water massage which ran over his skin. Let him feel a little bit more awake.  
After ten minutes of showering and erasing any last night's tracks, he got off again, took a terry towel from the shelf in front of him and tightened it around his hips.  
Iwaizumi's eyes slid to the sink and to the mirror above, which was covered by hot steam. He wiped it with his fist, looked at it and made a grimace:  
  
That asshole left him a visible trace of hickies on his neck! Only one-sided but in a fine row which almost resembled the constellation of Cassiopeia.  
Great. If there was one thing he absolutely dislike, it was marking territories. But despite that... he did not look too much like shit. Fine.  
  
Drying himself with another towel and putting on the clothes he came out of the bathroom with slightly wet hair, left the door a bit open so that the warm steam could leave, too.  
Because the kitchen was not located seperately, he suggested it was combined with the living room and got there. Been proven correctly he took a quick glance.  
  
The walls were painted smoke blue, the door and window frames white again. Beige coloured curtains decorated the windows and were opened loosly. A black two-seater was placed in the right corner of the room. In front of that was a small table with some magazines on it. Next to the comfy-area: a bookshelf, reaching the ceiling, still having a lof of space for literature. Also a tiny round stool in the corner, somehow lost. Opposing the couch and small table, a lowboard with a television could be found. The floor was stuffed with a striped, big rug with white fringed.  
  
On the left side of the room a round, white dinner table where four people could sit down, according to the number of chairs around it.  
Here, the floor was just laminated, until it reached the kitchenunit and merged into large square tiles.   
  
The kitchen itself had all the necessary equipment to get some things cooked and stored: a wall cabinet with spices and dishes inside, a sink with draining rack, a stove, including a oven. Then there was the refridgerator and a kitchen counter with a small coffee machine on it, offering maybe two cups at once only, and a microwave with grill function.  
Still, it felt so much more comfortbale than the communal kitchen in the stundent residence. Especially clean.  
He almost envyed Daniel because of this apartment where one did not has to share bathroom and kitchen.  
  
Standing in front of the silver refridgerator right now, he opened it by pulling the black handle and looked inside. Took out the toast, some cold cuts and closed the door.  
Took a banana from the fruit bowl, next to him.  
  
Studying the function of the microwave, he put two slices of bread inside, performed the desired setting and pressed the start button. The waiting time almost brought him back into trance of tiredness. When the high-pitched _Pling_ of the device sounded, he blinked. His mind was still too idle.  
Iwaizumi did not want to do the coffee machine one cup only, but he definitely would need a dose of coffeine, so his brain would work properly for the rest of the day.  
Furthermore, it would help him to get rid of the headache he suffered from.  
Preparing the hot crusty bread slices with the cold cuts, forming a sandwich, he ate while walking through the apartment, keep an eye on the details he did not perceive before:

The few books in the shelf were mostly expert literature for sports science but there were also two or three simple novels. German. _Der Augenjäger. Sebastian Fitzek._ Never heard of. _Ein ganzes halbes Jahr._ Jojo Moyes.  
His nose wrinkled and he pulled the book out, and looked at the blub, which was revealing the original title. Ah, that one he knew! _Me before you_. He read it, too, because Hannah recommended it to him a while ago.   
After putting it back to its right place, he walked over, to the dinner table. There was a black laptop.  
Probably Daniel was working here, correcting exams and preparing for classes.  
  
On the window sills were some arranged plants. Iwaizumi did not have a lot of knowledge about gardening but even he could tell that these there some easy greenery to take care of.  
The kind of greenery you would bring with you for the office. Which would not be offended if you forget to water them once in a while. Because we were already talking about that: the water level indicators promised a happy state, regarding the big leaves' health.   
  
Besides there were also three picture frames with photographs on the sill.  
To be honest, the apartment itself was pretty impersonal and the books, plants and photos were the only hint of a living individual here - that it was not a sample apartment for selling.  
But Daniel had told him, that he had just moved in. So it would need some time to adjust and got more personal style in these walls. Of course.

Iwaizumi looked at the picture frames, observing the shown scenes. In two of them, Daniel was portrayed.  
In the first, he stood between two people which were older than him but also resembled him. Maybe his parents?  
In the second, he stood next to a fair young woman, which wore a dark red strapless dress. His girlfriend? ... She looked more like the mother. So... it was his sister or a cousin?  
The third picture... Iwaizumi found him among the group of people. Second row, fourth from the left. It was a photo of a team in jearseys who were presenting a cup in their hands. Daniel was laughing happily. They all looked so proud! On the trophy were two words engraved: _Handball Landesmeisterschaft_.  
So he was a handball player.  
That explained the strength in his arms last night when he...  
  
Putting this thought aside fast, Iwaizumi finished his round and breakfast. Cleaning up the used dishes, he would get back to the student residence, now.  
He should get prepared for the rest of the day. Had to.  
There was one commitment he had to endure: the exam, his one-night stand mentioned on the memo.  
He really forgot about it.... Well, okay... _forgot_ was not the right word.  
He _did_ study for it but because of his last schedules at work it had been very rudimentarily.  
His state of mind right now would not get him good results either.

*** * *  
**

The second lecture was finished at 11:45 AM, following with the lunch break and so it was around 12:20 PM then Iwaizumi arrived at the campus.  
His muscles were somehow tensed and it was not because of his studies, why the risen guilty conscience felt so strong.  
  
Maybe one of the reasons were his friends: When he recharged the batteries of his phone in his room he noticed last night's messages, which popped out.  
 _Where are you. Did you just leave? Everything's ok?_  
He had not told anybody about him leaving the club and of course they had been worrying until now. He definitely needed to apologise to them and it might serve him right, if they would be amused over the fact that he had a hangover (and hickies he could barely hide with the collar of his hoddie) - he, Iwaizumi Hajime, who had not get drunk since the freshmen's welcoming. (Which just had been a unique act of himself!)

The other reason that his gut was rebelling... Iwaizumi could not explain it. It was not the aftermath of having sex as bottom.  
Something was lingering in his mind, making him feel bad but... why?  
He was not accountable to the public who he had sex with, when he had sex and if it was a one-night stand or if it happened in a relationship.  
Still, he wanted to pull his shirt away from his chest because it seemed that the fabric tied him up, making it hard to breathe.

'Welcome back!' he was greeted by Jim with a hit by the flat palm on his back when he entered the lecture's room,

'Man, did ya really sleep until now?'

'Yeah, too much alcohol' Iwaizumi swallowed and avoided telling more.

'Well, that's what I thought' the blonde smirked and the other one just lifted his eyebrows sceptically.

'What d'you mean?'

'That you got wasted and suddenly just disappeared!'

So he did _not_ see anything. Good. Maybe... that was the bad feeling? That they had caught him on action?  
Because Iwaizumi was not the kind of guy who was into one-night stands or proud to get into student-teacher-relationships?

He did not reply, just sat down and took out his writing tools of his bag.

  
'When did you leave?' Iwaizumi tried to divert the suspicion from himself.

'Around... 2 AM, I guess? I'm not sure.'

'What a surprise that you were still able to be the early bird.'

'Hey, I'm not that bad!' Jim countered.

'Well _your_ alcohol level told me something else' Iwaizumi could not resist to be a little bit provocant and gave him a wry smile.

Their little talk got finished that very moment when the rest of the students and their teacher arrived; last one would give a long and detailed lecture about diagnostic methods and analysis in competitive sports.  
Iwaizumi made his notes, was completely absorbed by the lesson's content until his mobile started vibrating in his pockets.  
He got startled and took it out secretly, looked on the screen:

_Ellen, 1:10 PM_  
 _And? Did you?_  
  
  
Iwaizumi looked over his shoulder with a dark glance.  
Ellen, who was sitting on the wall side of the room and had been one of the last people, who entered the room before - so that they could not even greet each other - stared at him with an expression full of expectation.  
He sat straight up again and wrote back:

_Hajime, 1:10 PM_   
_Dunno what ya mean_

_Ellen, 1:11 PM_   
_Course you do! I saw you two leaving!_

Fuck.  
After all... she did.  
Of all people.  
She, who never gave up and grill one out about anything until she will get the desired information she was so eager to know.

_Ellen, 1:12 PM_   
_Admit it. He's a hottie!  
  
_

_Hajime, 1:12 PM_   
_I won't admit anything_   
  


_Ellen, 1:12 PM_   
_You wracked yourself pretty well..._   
_And there was nothing? Come on!  
  
_

_Hajime, 1:13 PM_   
_Whatever you say_

He did not have anything more to tell her.  
Just when he wanted to slide the mobile back, he received another message from her:  
  


_Ellen, 1:15 PM_   
_Are you still pissed over the Oikawa-talk?_

  
That was enough. Again.  
He threw the phone in his bag.  
Deep down.  
Had it muted.  
No reply.  
  
Iwaizumi tried to concentrate for the rest of the time. To fill his head with all the methods he needs to know, so he would not have to repeat the shit afterwards. So he would not have to be occupied with the least favourite topic in his mind. The sound of the electronic bell sounded through the loudspeakers, finally. Before he could leave the room, getting his stuff, the redhaired walked towards him, wearing a light crestfallen expression in her face.

'Hajime, I'm sorry. I don't want to dig into something, but yesterday you were so bad-tempered and-'

'Just leave it, okay? I said it before!' he cut her off and groaned angrily.

  
Jim looked up, irritated by the sudden change of the mood, his eyes ping-ponged between Hajime and Ellen.

'I... don't wanna talk about it, okay? There's a reason why I didn't talk about him up until now and why I won't do it from now on.'

'Okay' she replied quietly, apologised anyway and offered him a reconsiliation coffee afterwards.

'It's fine' Hajime declined. There was much more important to think of... the damn... exam, for example.

*** * ***

This would not happen again!

Sitting in front of a blank sheet of paper and asking himself what the hell he was doing here.  
  
Three facts, why his exam was impaired:

First, he could not get any of these questions. (He definitely learnt the right stuff but here we were - surprise - things which took place in passing!)

Second, his headache became stronger again. (Too much coffeine!)

Third... He got it, why this guy announced in such a confident, natural way, that he could give him back the aparment keys right after that fucking test: Daniel was the freaking supervisor.

  
Iwaizumi sank in his chair, stared the white paper down which had too many black letters of tasks and hissed the white flag.  
No chance.  
  
Should he submit his empty sheets?

His eyes glances at the ceiling with the installed lights.  
Well, he could use time for better things than sweating in this non-airconditioned room.  
But... if he wanted to give back the keys, he had to wait anyway!  
Maybe it would cause strange looks from the others if he waited outside, done with everything, and then walked up to Daniel, a supervisor who was not even the lecturer of this subject.  
Yes, that _would_ be strange.

His eyes darted forward, get stuck at the man he slept with yesterday.  
He seemed to be relaxed, not having a hangover like himself or suffering from any pain and... he stared back at him??

Iwaizumi jerked a bit and swallowed. Held his breath as if he would make a sound if he did not.  
The ocean blue irides stay focused on him, trying so research for something in the emerald green younger ones.  
The corner of the tutor's mouth lifted a bit.

What was he...?

He did nothing else than looking at him.  
  
Still it was enough that a shiver was sent down Iwaizumi's spine. Memories, which became almost alive again.  
  
How Daniel let him succumbed to that treatment he had received.  
Showing himself vulnerable and defenceless. Enjoying every second of their intimate connection.  
  
Thanks to those lips which were slightly parted, right now.  
Thanks to those words which whispered soft but also dirty things in Iwaizumi's ears.  
Those strong hands which lay calmly on the open book he kept reading while supervising (and observing Iwaizumi). Which had done too many good things before...

_Damn it!!_

Iwaizumi averted his own gaze from him, stared the paper down - once more. All of a sudden, his heart had started beating with a unsteady rhythm. Fast, left out a beat, got faster again. He pressed his fingers firmly into the rubber-like grip of his blue ball pen he was holding. Trying to pace down his pulse so he would be able to sit around until the exam was over, not getting a heart attack.

Always feeling the pressure of being observed by Daniel.

It was pure salvation when the bell rang and they had to go to the front, submitting their exam sheets.

'Toilets!' Ellen was calling next to him and Iwaizumi only nodded.  
  
The less witnesses, the better.

The blackhaired packed his stuff slowly in his bag, shouldered it and stepped forward, so he was the last student in the room.  
Putting down his papers on everone else's, let following the bunch of keys.

'Why didn't you wake me?' he asked in a neutral tone and Daniel looked at him, clearly surprised.

'You slept deeply and soundly. I tried.'

'As if.'

The tutor smiled, rose from his chair and pushed it properly back to the desk.

'You've been so wracked... well... I wanted you to sleep in. Sorry. Was everything fine?' Daniel took his book, closed it with a reading mark between two pages and put it back in his dark brown, worn leather briefcase.  
  
Iwaizumi nodded. Even if he was grumpy, he knew his manners:

'Thanks... for letting me use your shower and getting breakfast.'

'Well, you'd better not leave with an empty belly after such a night' the opposite with the brown curls insisted, smirking.

He took the keys and put them in his pants' pocket. Grabbing the pile of papers from the desk, he tapped them on the surface to bring them to a tidy, regular rectangle shape and clasped them under his arm.  
'But as it seems... you can still walk.'

'W-What?'

'Still... for the exam it wasn't enough?' his tutored noted, very amused,  
'You stared into space.'

'Shut up!' Iwaizumi mumbled, totally embarrassed,  
'That... had nothing to do with you. It was just... I missed it.'

'Well, then you need to repeat?'

'Maybe.'

Daniel went around the desk and stopped right in front of his student - pretty close so that Iwaizumi could feel the touch of the other's warm breath against his own skin.

'What about repeating other stuff, too?' he murmured seductively, watching he sweet marks he left on the neck of his partner last night.

'What d'you mean?'

'Sex' Daniel replied directly,  
'You liked it. Obviously. And... well... if it doesn't bother you... well... why not doing it once in a while? I like your temper. You're interesting. And to crack your hard nutshell... that's not so easy' he winked and turned around, so that the sole of his dark men's shoes squealed on the floor. Ready to leave the room.

'Crack my...?' Iwaizumi repeated in disbelief but could not avoid snarling then,  
'Yesterday was... just a unique act, okay? I was drunk, you wanted it, end of line. I just want to give you back your fuckin' keys!'

He went after him, wanted to make things clear.

'Oh, really?' Daniel played the cheerful surprised man and waited in front of the room, so he could close up the door.  
'If you say so... If you change your mind, you know where to find me. Well, in the end we'll see each other in the lecture, right?'

Iwaizumi kept mumbling, stomping, passing him.

_Such an asshole!_

He hated such guys who thought of themselves as being irresistible.  
These kind of talking-you-around-with-my-attitude-guys.  
The _Mr know it all_ s.  
So full of themselves.  
So arrogant.

He hated these guys.

Still...

Although he had a clear aversion, he still gravitated to him.

Because of these looks.  
These moments of sudden closeness - like now.

He felt that his body began to attune to Daniel.  
How Daniel got too much control over him.  
  
It was not falling in love or love in general but something let him clung on him.  
Let him think about that special offer...

...

Because when Iwaizumi looked at him during the lectures...  
When he felt Daniel's touch on his shoulder - sure, just a coincidence - during the performance tests on the ergometer...  
When his hand stroked Iwaizumi's after the class or mumbled insignificant words...

It was not a surprise that he found himself, days later, with his attractive teacher in the closed lab for biomechanics, right?  
It was not a surprise that he was kneeing down, in front of Daniel, who was wearing his pants and boxers on ankle height now, right?  
Stroking Iwaizumi's spiky but still so soft, black hair, while moaning each once in a while.

It was not a surprise that they ended up in Daniel's apartment again, kissing passionately in the living room, falling on the couch - not on the bed because Iwaizumi showed him that he was usually top, not bottom.

It could have been good.  
It was fulfilling.

Iwaizumi could not complain about the sex - really.

Every single time he went over the edge. Drove him beyond crazy.  
And still it was his mind, which started the negative thoughts-playlist in a loop:

_You shouldn't do this. You're not the type for an affair. Stop compensating everything with sex!_

  
'Hey, Hajime' Daniel said when they spread out in bed, naked and breathless, next to each other. Still frantically lifting and lowering chests.

A déjà-vu.

Would it be a similar to Nate?  
The end of something which had barely begun?  
Iwaizumi looked at the ceiling, preparing himself for the hard rebound which would hit him any second.  
  
'What do you think? Shall we try it?'

The emerald green eyes widened in shock. Slowly, Iwaizumi's head turned to Daniel, realising what he just asked for:

'W-What?'

'You and I.' Daniel faced him from the side, supporting his head in his palm, wearing a soft smile on his lips,  
'Seriously... since three weeks... we've been sleeping with each other, going to the movies or in cafés... why... why don't we try to make a real thing out of this?'  
Iwaizumi supported himself with his forearm on the mattress and watched the older one carefully, whose cheeks were still turned red from the physical exertion but also because of... a soft embarrassment?  
'I think we complement each other well? I like you. As I said before. Your direct manner. Your hisgruff nature. I like the sex with you and you're also really gifted, giving blow jobs. Just saying.'  
He laughed, made Iwaizumi blush in an instant and sat up, too. Stroking Iwaizumi's cheek with the tip of his index finger, who still had his lips slightly parted, being irritated.  
'Let's try it.'

The blackhaired did not even know what to say for the first seconds.  
Too many thoughts. Too many emotions. Whirling inside of him like a storm.

Irritation, happiness, surprise, anxiety, warmth, insecurity, ...

Because it was the first time in his twenty years that someone really wanted to start out a relationship. After the Nate dilemma it was the first time that he was offered such a chance at all.  
A chance for something... mature.

'I'm not too young for you?' the first comment was after Iwaizumi cleared his throat,  
'We're eight years apart.'

'And? I don't feel like 28 and you don't act like 20' Daniel negated easily and shrugged.

'You're serious?'

'Sure. Why should I've asked you in first place?'

'... When will you leave?'

'Germany? Maybe in one year but maybe much later. Depends on the possibility to renew the contract here.'

Staying silent, Iwaizumi still looked him in the eye. He was good at reading out other people's intentions of their irides and it did not occur to him that Daniel was lying.  
He really wanted it. He really wanted _him_.  
Not only in a sexual way but as an equal partner.  
He felt it.

'I'm not quite sure... about my feelings for you' Iwaizumi stayed honest.  
Daniel gave him a shallow smile.  
'That something between us... it started weird. And... when I'm here with you... I'm asking myself who else is sleeping in this bed. So... neither can I say that I love you nor that I will.'

'I know... and I can only assure you that there's no one sleeping _here_ or sleeping _with me_.' Daniel's smile became more heart-warming.

'Did you even listen?' Iwaizumi was outraged and sat up straight,  
'Even if I believe and trust you... okay... I... I can't meet you with the same feelings? And you still want to be with me?'

'Who said that I can't make you love me?'

And as if he wanted to emphasize his words, to convince him that this was worth it, Daniel bridged the gap between them, pressed Iwaizumi on the shoulder back into the cushion and kissed him.  
Softly.  
Different from the kisses they have shared before.  
Much more sensitive.  
Valuing.  
More cautious.

'Let's try it, Hajime. A relationship.'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for the kudos and reads! <3  
> I am really happy that I can show you this story and there are some more chapters to come.  
> Please, if there are any hard language mistakes, tell me.  
> I am not a native speaker and am happy about any hint which is given.  
> (LanguageTool is helpful but native speakers can help much more, ha ha)


	4. The one I avoided

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Iwaizumi is enjoying his relationship with Daniel he has hidden from his friends, until he was sure that it is serious.  
> Researching the social media for the last party's photos, Iwaizumi's curiosity leads him to a familiar account... And takes him back but also forward.

'You are _what_?'  
  
'Get a grip!' Iwaizumi growled with a slight bit of anger and rolled his eyes, while he was typing a message with his phone.

The only lecture they would have had together, had been canceled. Therefore, they decided to hang out on campus and doing some

research, reading a text and preparing notes for the essay that have to submit soon.

But when the Japanese looked repeatedly on his phone screen, his corners of the mouth lifted and showing a cracked smile - which he tried to suppress, of course -, rather chatting than being concentrated, he drew his friends' attention unwillingly to him. Only a few minutes of observing the young man in silence was all that was needed, to tease him and to dig deeper - if he had a boyfriend?

Ignoring the nasty comments at first, it did not help at. They dug deeper and deeper, almost reaching his very core, nudging him with the elbow in his side - how it should be, having friends. So to have a little peace already, he gave in, 'Yes, we're together' and received a surprised 'Wow.'

The others looked at him very astounded. They expected a lot but not the simplest reason of all, that their friend has been into a relationship with his tutor for almost six weeks.

'And you don't talk about it?' Jim shouted indignantly.

'Wrong. How were you able to hide it the whole time?' Jo corrected.

'So he _is_ hot?' Ellen nudged Iwaizumi again, giggling.

'Shut up' he grumbled once more and put his mouth into a thin line, the lovey-dovey smile all gone, ' _That's_ why I didn't spit out anything to you!'

'Why? It's great!' Kavaan nodded with his Indian accent in each syllable, 'That you have someone you're feeling good with and... that it's serious? I'm happy for you!'

Iwaizumi nodded carefully in agreement.

_Feeling good_... he actually was.

Although he had had some doubts at the beginning of their relationship, it had shaped up so well and his worries were unreasonable at all.

Daniel did not give him preferential treatment. During the lectures he was his tutor, not his boyfriend and that was something the student really appreciate. That the aforementioned helped Iwaizumi after classes and at home, giving him explanations about tricky topics, was something different, but he would never let him cheat on exams or gave him better marks without a reason, just as a favor of his love for him.

To be honest, that had been the first thought about it why Iwaizumi had fought against the 28-year-old's attraction, he was faced with in the first place... after the (good) mishap called sex.

Besides, Daniel did present himself as sympathetic and sensitive. He made him laugh, listened to him, one could talk with him very well in general and last but not least Iwaizumi enjoyed the unconditional trust, he was met with by the elder one. Although they barely knew each other. Something, Iwaizumi had not experienced before.

He, himself, wanted to reward Daniel with something on the same level, of course. Wanted to take notice of the smallest things and noticed - different than the usual friendship - a lovership means much more work. Working on the close relation to each other. Working on oneself's personality. 

In these six weeks it had happened that Iwaizumi had forgotten all about their evening calls and Daniel had not been angry but he told him straightforwardly that Iwaizumi had to learn to be more structured, to put the right priorities first-  
'Else you will burn out soon enough,E and that would be definitely _too_ soon for you.' 

That was the life experience, Iwaizumi lacked. Of course. Eight years age difference had not been a big deal but sometimes it showed off. And Daniel was right anyway:

The weekly schedule was redesigned. It was still a full time-job week of more than 40 hours but with a lot of more structure. Iwaizumi talked with his boss about the work shifts, reducing his hours without having a too high loss of loan. Sometimes, he even skippedm his morning runs when he came home late the day before. Giving his body the needed rest.

Iwaizumi was not the kind of guy who kept overworking himself, but it was much easier to join in the stream than struggling your way out. The other student's impact was much bigger on him than he had it expected. Everyone was so busy, everyone was doing so many things at the same time... being lazy was not an option.

Furthermore and maybe the real truth: being occupied meant that his subconsciousness was not given a chance to playing tricks with his mind. Playing tricks on his heart. Awakening the little something inside it, which was just waiting for a chance to get out.  
Having Daniel by his side, it seemed to have calmed down. And that was something that should last. Calm, peaceful, asleep. Not able to rattle on the bars of that small cage it was kept.

Once again Iwaizumi received a message and he grinned even more:

_  
(Daniel, 11:20 AM)  
Wanna get a snack for lunch? _

_(Haijme, 11:20 AM)  
Sure. Where to go?_

_(Daniel, 11:21 AM)  
I heard that there's a bake sale, close to the pools ;-) _

Now he had to burst out laughing. That guy!

'What's so funny?' Ellen wanted to know, clearly irritated, and peeked over her fellow student's shoulder until she could read the message on the display,  
'Bake sale? Today is a _bake sale_? Why I'm not informed about that?' she sounded almost shocked.

Well, to have a brief explanation: Ellen was a healthy and clean eater, she hit the gym thrice a week and was a know-it-all if it came to diet and nutrition but - and that was the biggest but one would have ever seen - she was awfully in love with sweet, sticky sugar stuff. The s4-combination as she named it. Unhealthy, monosaccharides at its best, with a lot of unnecessary calories.  
Especially if these things were sold at bake sales in the university. One could grab a lot of brownies, muffins and tray-baked cakes, also pastries.

'Sometimes I could hit ya' Iwaizumi put his phone to his chest and watched her with a withering look, 'Infringing somebody's privacy is your secret talent, eh?'

'If my dear fellow student rather exchanging lovey-doves messages instead of working with me on these papers, sure' she stuck out her tongue, 'Despite that, you'd better tell him, that he's wrong about it or you'll end up as his dessert in the end. Maybe not so bad. But if there was a bake sale, I would have definitely known!

Iwaizumi neither did as he was told, nor continue discussing the bake sale topic and decided to finish his answer on the phone.  
(That she was not so wrong about the dessert part... well... that was something else.)

_(Hajime, 11:23 AM)  
Alright. Going for vanilla?_

_(Daniel, 11:23 AM)  
_ _You bet._

That was the awaited keyword.

'Okay, have to go' he said all of a sudden, put his phone back in the pocket of his jacket and stood up. He brushed off the slight dirt on his jeans, took his shoulder bag and his notepad and pencil case in the other hand.

'Ohh~ lovely!' Jo hooted and received a laughter from the others.

He just shrugged, lifted his hand as goodbye and headed off to the pools and therefore to the Anteater Aquatics Complex.

Of course that had just been a transcription. _Snack_ was the code if one of them was thirsty, hungry for each other, full of lust and wanted to communicate it in a more discrete way in public.  
Well, and Iwaizumi could not deny that he was eager about this - just the opposite: It was a good feeling to be wanted and... he had also learnt within the last weeks how relaxing it could be for body and mind to be surprised with sex. Remembering the last two times - in Daniel's bureau on campus and in the library, in one of the private rented study rooms for students - his lumber region began to tickle immediately. His heart started pounding faster, too. 

He reached the center within the next ten minutes. Around lunchtime it was always unoccupied. That was because of the maintenance which was held every day around noon. The chlorine concentration got measured and in- or decreased. The surroundings were cleaned and therefore nobody was allowed to swim for two hours straight.  
He pulled the heavy door and stepped in. Walked towards the center and looked. Not a single person in the entrance area. Total silence.

He wanted to look once again on his phone if Daniel had written where exactly they were suggested to meet but whose amused, satin like voice echoed smoothly from the corner next to him in that very moment:

'Vanilla huh?' Daniel walked down the staircase from the first floor, next to Iwaizumi who turned his head and looked at his boyfriend.

Daniel supported himself with his bare hands on dark red banister made of steel and had a wide expressive grin on his face,  
'With crème? Just a sailor's cup of tea?'

Iwaizumi got to him straightforward, looked up to the brunette and craned his neck, hissing a 'Shut up', before he grabbed the round shaped collar of Daniel's shirt and pulled him closer.

'How romantic, a kiss like in the balcony scene of Romeo & Juliet' the tutor muttered amused and let himself be gently kissed. But very soon the tip of his tongue stroked Iwaizumi's lips, provoking him, to accept the offer and get himself into a whirling dance, which left the two men breathless - but the hunger which was built in the very core of them was still not satisfied.

Shit, it turned him on!

Daniel pulled his boyfriend's bottom lip careful with his teeth, that is he broke the kiss and looked the other seductively in the eye.

'Come on. Let's go upstairs. It's more comfortable and nobody will interrupt us.'

Iwaizumi nodded in silence while his partner already turned on the heel of his elegant men's shoes and went upstairs in smooth steps.  
The younger one had to control his breath, inhaling and exhaling deeply, and rubbed his neck.  
Just that moment... he would not have cared less where they had made out as long as they _had_ made out.  
Patience was something he did not have anymore, not after that kiss.   
Not after that Daniel's distinctive, discrete way of sexting.  
  


On the first floor were some lecture rooms located, also a bureau and some facility rooms. But also another workspace - that one, Iwaizumi was pulled into by Daniel.  
He did not even get the time to be aware of the surrounding because the tutor closed the door very quick and pushed him against it. Feeling the cold metal on his back, feeling Daniel's hot front nestling against his. Feeling the delightful lips and tongue on his and inside his mouth again. Wilder. Untamed.  
Daniel's hands explored once more the body of Iwaizumi, but already knowing what he had to do to make the other go insane.

'Where... did you get the keys?' the black haired man panted but was already prevented talking more thanks to another encounter with his boyfriend's tongue.

'Well... there are ways being a tutor' the one questions muttered and shifted Iwaizumi step by step into the room, to the high grey lockers to the side, where he pinned him by his hand wrists.

Starting to create a map of endless little marks on Iwaizumi's neck with his lips, sucking the smooth tanned skin until he was satisfied and going on to the next.  
It caused the student to moan silently. Enjoying it too much.  
Daniel's fingertips slid under Iwaizumi's shirt, following the shape of defined abs, reaching the sternum but barely touching the warm skin to go back, to his tight jeans. Loosen the belt quickly, loosen the button and the zip he went inside uninhibitedly.

Another moan got him and Iwaizumi opened his eyes for the first time properly, noticing... the big, wide glass facade, from which he could look down at the 50-m-length swimlanes, seeing the empty but water filled pools and two facility service workers, who were in maintaining process.

'W-Wait, you wanna...!?'

If he could look down on them, they surely were able to see him, too. He swallowed hard.  
Daniel did not answer, not literally. He aimed for his cock, grabbed it and began to massage it with his thumb and fingers. First careful, then with more strength, knowing good enough how Iwaizumi needed it.  
Whatever consequences could come up - it felt too good and the receiving one simply had to give in. He put his head back, moaning submissively,

'F-Fuck...'

'Why did you come here in the first place?' Daniel grinned, speaking with a dark tune and looked up to his partner, 'You're already horny as fuck'

'Did I claim otherwise?' the younger one growled, now pushing Daniel back on his shoulders, trying to turn him around so he would be the one, getting pinned against the locker.

But just a few seconds later, Daniel was fighting back, did not want to be the dominated part. Both of them tried to suppress the other and in the end it would be Iwaizumi who was trembling against the desk, which scratched over the floor.

The tutor got some space between them, pulling Iwaizumi's jeans and boxers over his hip bones.

Hard.

With a smile he crouched down.

'F-Fuck... Daniel...'

Have there been any consideration because of the glass facade?

Well... that became irrelevant now.

'I know you like that... before I'll fuck your sweet ass and...'

The brunette did not finish the sentence because his lips and his tongue were already occupied with something different. 

*** * ***

Iwaizumi stroked through his hair, took a deep breath when he walked across the campus and was trying to get rid of his blushed face. His whole body was still in some kind of ecstasy. Even now.  
He should think of something else. Not remembering what had happened just a few minutes ago. How they made out. How he jerked off. How... okay, think of something else! Do something else!  
Don't think of your boyfriend to mess with you in the most delicious way.

Who took everything of you. Again.

_'Who said I can't make you loving me?'_

Iwaizumi's - still swollen from kissing - lips were pressed slightly together. It was such an arrogant phrase but... his personality, his attitude ... it all leads to one fact: you would fall for him.  
Just as natural as you would brush your teeth every day.

But it was not the typical crush you would develop or as it was described in movies and novels. Not the crush which let you have a whole bunch of butterflies in your stomach which gives you terrible nausea. That you were not able to sleep anymore. What you would sweat everytime you were standing right in front of the other one.

Was it due to how they bumped each other for the first time? How they got to know each other? Or... was it just that there really was not such a romance like love on the first sight and everything had been just something girls made up to decorate their love life with kitsch and sob-stuff?  
In the end, love just needed time to be revealed? It only had been a few weeks. They just had been discovering a few details about each other. Only a little part of the big one.  
  
To check the time (whether he was running late), Iwaizumi pulled out his phone and started surfing on the social networks afterwards. Just out of curiosity because he had some minutes left, and he was never really active, anyway. Maybe he logged in every once in a while and therefore his newsfeed had a long list of new posts and photos.  
Furthermore, he really wanted to know if some photos had been uploaded. From the club night. Because he thought about his meeting with Dan. At least that was the reason he told himself to calm down his conscience.

  
There it was.

Iwaizumi did not have to look up for long, when he tripped over that photo in which Kavaan was dancing wild, right on the stage of the club... Jeez... photographed by Jim.  
Sure his account was set on private but it did not make it any better.  
Either the performing bear did not know anything about the fact he was written down in the World Wide Web - what explained that he had not been tagged - or he tried to ignore and did decline the tagging option. Actually, Jim was someone who _always_ tagged somebody in his pictures. Even, if there was not anyone to tag. Which was... annoying.  
Memes, not so funny jokes, etc.

Iwaizumi continued scrolling down and looked through the feed. It only showed the posts of his friends, the university's account and three or four others which were connected to volleyball or the athlete trainer section he wanted to enter as a pro. He was not so eager to post anything by himself. Only three photos had been chosen: a typical sunset motif of California, one with his clique at the beach and another one, where he just showed his travel bag, hanging over his shoulder - the day he arrived in Irvine.  
One look at the date... April 2013.

_'ve already been a while..._

  
He had been already spending more than a year in Irvine... Time passed by in an instant, since had graduated from high school and decided to walk down the path of studying sports science in the US. A lot of good things had happened. He had learnt a lot, found really good friends and now... was into a relationship with a handsome, clever man he could be grateful for.  
A whole new life after entering the coming of age.

Everything went so well until... well... yeah... until Ellen and Jo lifted the shovels and started digging into his past.

His thumb tapped on search function pictogram.  
Should he...?  
The curiosity was longing for satisfaction but if he did... there was no way back.

Iwaizumi knew what would follow if he gave in:  
He would not sleep in peace tonight.  
His thoughts would not be quite in the lecture he had in ten minutes.  
Questions would come up.

Did he really want this?  
  


_» T «_

  
Back when _he_ had been the one who introduced Iwaizumi to the app and convinced him to register.

_'_ _Iwa-chan if you don't join, you'll may be excluded!'_

_'Don't talk such bullshit, Shittykawa! Why should I?'_

_'To look at our cool posts?'_

_'Am I a masochist?'_

_'How rude!'_  
  


But somehow it had itched to do so... somehow he had wanted to know about the stuff his friends were uploading. Although, he had not given a shit about that app at first:  
Every time he, Hanamaki, Matsukawa and _that one_ had met and had been looking through some stupid memes, he had just rolled his eyes.

_» oo «_

On the other side it had been more than convenient.

 _He_ was one of that kind of users who really _does_ record everything. Weather, food, a god-damn selfie... and every time when _he_ had been running late and had come up with excuses, Iwaizumi had been able to find the recent post and slapped him hard on the back of his head.

_'Then don't be so stupid to post it!'_

_'But my friends want to see this!'_

_'Dude, you're putting on airs too much! It pisses me off!_

Retrospectively, he should have taken more pictures, too. From high school. The boring outlook from the classroom into the school yard. The once in a while really inedible school canteen food - which they nicknamed Russian Roulette because once a month it was like that, just without pistols. Or photos with his friends.

Especially in his first three months in California, everything was so exciting and new, but it also brought along the feeling of being homesick. Not being able to tell his beloved once face to face what was happening. Only via telephone, skype and therefore the laptop. (But of course that was better than nothing).  
  
Yes, he indeed had felt homesick.

That had been shocking because Iwaizumi had misgauged himself of being invincible. He liked new stuff, and he liked challenges. He liked seeing the world, was curious to discover it.  
But literally being on the other side of that world, standing his ground, that was something different. Not least because he broke with the one person who had stolen his heart...

» _ru_0720_ «

Iwaizumi confirmed the account name he was searching for and if the algorithm did is work. It only needed a few seconds but here it was...

His heart pounded hard against his chest. Heat overwhelmed his body and he nearly started sweating but his fingers were cold as ice. With his breath trembling, he tapped on the recommended profile and held it with his thumb a little bit longer than necessary because it took him some effort.  
There was a pink circle around the thumbnail of the profile picture which showed someone in a light blue jersey with the label _San Juan_ on it. A story.  
  


_  
Unblock._

Right... He had wanted to put an end to it. If there would ever be the case that he stumbled across this account again. Due to friends or... because he felt the urge to and felt inside that something was not just right... now.

His options were easy: unblock or close the app.

And the next moment the black haired young man rued this day he gave in to his stubborn vow of pride and grievance. That he accepted the fact that the ghost of the past kept haunting him, instead of banging the door behind himself.

Was he such a masochist?

Or... did he try to prove that it really did not bother him as much as the others wanted to make him believe? ... Right. He did not give a damn. It was over.  
And if his friends kept nagging him like that, he would show them, that he really did not give a _fucking_ damn, what that guy was doing.

Iwiazumi unblocked the aforementioned user, and the profile was revealed as it should be: Postings over postings. The counter told him 1.745. He swallowed when he discovered the one picture in the need which did the rounds within his clique. And many, many more...   
Some tortilla. Practice photos of his Argentinian teammates. One, which was taken through the small gap of palm leaves, directed at the ocean. And the latest one... a selfie of himself.  
Vivid brown eyes. Tanned skin, more than he had ever seen. The hair still shorter than Iwaizumi was used to it. The shape of his face more defined. The shoulder girdle and... the core muscles also more defined. Surely, thanks to the strength training. A white t-shirt with a red block in the middle of his chest and big capital letters: _SUMESHI_ (Should it be _SMASH_?)  
Behind the handsome man the vivid blue sky which was trying to compete with the facial expression of the volleyball player.

Iwaizumi read the caption... or tried to, but it was all written in Spanish.  
So he tapped on _translate_ and was given the English words:

  
» _Brandnew and sunny day in San Juan! Please, have a wonderful week! I go to practice now and work hard!_ ガンバロ― _Sometimes_ _I miss Japan_ _but here we are family, too!_ «

_  
Crack._

  
A tiny rupture.  
He missed Japan? What kind of missing?  
He talked about _family_ , so that was it?  
Because of his parents, his big sister and his nephew?  
  
Maybe also because of the language and the people who really differ from the Japanese?  
Iwaizumi understood well enough. Of course a new culture was thrilling, but it became exhausting eventually if the mind was forced to think and act in the foreign language 24/7. Not being able to communicate in your mother tongue if you needed to. So one would miss all sorts of things... even the soaked yakitori sticks offered in the conbini in the evening.

Else... it did not seem that he was missing anything else.  
He looked so happy, so satisfied, so... _settled down_.  
And the Argentinian guys had already grown on him that much.

He scrolled back, upward. That pink ring...

Feeling the anxiousness again, his heart skipping beats because of being frightened of the unknown which was awaiting him.

' _Toto, quieres un café?'_

' _Eh? No, gracias! Ah, sorry! We have a break now!'  
_

Oikawa Tooru's big wide grin showed up and the record shook a bit.

  
_Cr-Cr-Crack._

The tiny rupture became a longer one, branching out in many different directions and covered the pumping muscle which let the blood flow energetically through Iwaizumi's veins.

There he was. Vivid, clearly alive and in a good mood. His eyes beamed even more with joy than in the selfie picture. His voice sounded so happy. Not a put-on one but in an honest, happy way.

' _We are at our favourite spot after practice!'_

He turned the camera around, then there was a short cut and the next story started: _  
_

' _See? All kind of coffee! And croissants! Sweets!'_

He directed the camera back and showed himself at his best.

' _But no milk bread! Can you believe it?'_

' _Toto, qué quieres?'_

_'Ah, pérdon! Una momenta!'  
_

  
Oikawa's head turned to the side. His hair was really short on the backside of his head and only had some longer strains on the top. But it looked good on him. Unusual but... more grown-up.  
Then he already looked back at the camera.

 _'Milkbread... ah, gyuunyuupan ga hoshiin da yo!"_ he added in Japanese _,  
'Dare ka pan wo okurimasuka?'_

He laughed. A joke.

' _Jaa, bye-bye!'_

He winked with his free hand. That had been the last story and the next account was shown. News about the new fashion line which was created and sold at the University of Irvine.

Iwaizumi was in the middle of his way getting to the next lecture room and stopped. Somewhere between the entrance and the staircase - he did not look out, only leaded by his senses, because these four videos had him dragged down like a black hole, absorbing everything of his attention. Impatiently, he tapped multiple times on the left side of the display.

Once more.

He needed to watch this once more.  
Listen to this voice once more.

_Fuck..._

And as he thought beforehand, his focus was eaten up.

*****

He sat in the lecture room, tried to pay attention, but instead he was looking at every single post which decorated Oikawa's feed. Within the next 90 minuted he got to the 180th entry.  
Only because he read all the captions, some had to be translated first. Looked at the hashtags. From time to time zooming in with his thumb and index finger. Could not look away from a few.

At the end of the seminar, the prospective sport scientist did not even know what topic they had been taught. But instead he gained an impression of his former best friend's life. Things he liked, kept him occupied, made him happy, what he did do in Argentina and did learn about the country so far... as if Iwaizumi wanted to catch up everything he missed in the setter's being.  
Moreover, it came to his mind that it was just unbelievable how day after day passed by and so many things kept happening since the spring day at the Narita Airport where he told him to fuck off.

  
*****

  
And now?

Again he was tied to this ambitious volleyball idiot who had the gift of the gab.   
He should better choke the fire before it got too big.

There were so many other things he could be occupied with: first of all his studies. Also his job, because if he had not it, he could not keep the wolf from the door. The job, he had to do now.  
Then there was the volleyball training. The relationship with Daniel. Everything was more in need of his attention than _Oikawa Tooru_.

Especially Daniel.  
He was happy with him.  
He had amazing sex with him.  
They could talk hours, philosophising about stuff.  
Went to bars or had a day trip.  
It was... a relationship between adults.  
One of that kind one would wish for.

... was he?  
  


Was he the adult he seemed to be? In Japan he already came of age with his 20 years but... being together was wonderful, comfortable but not as much as with...

  
' _..._ cuse me _.._. Excuse me sir? Do you have another one of these? I need 9 ½!'

Rudely awakened from his thought, Iwaizumi looked up and faced a young woman who held a pair of running shoes in her hands. Maybe tried to talk to him the second time.

'Sure. One moment!'

Shit! Return to the topic: _focus_.

Iwaizumi took the turquoise shoes and walked over to the shelf she got them, searching the right size. Because he turned his back to the customer, he was able to keep his grumpy face.

Did he do it again? The world revolved around that jerk again?

He should just re-block him! Got him out of his sight!  
  
But he did not.

  
*****

Instead, Iwaizumi was lying on the duvet of his bed, freshly showered and only wearing his boxers. His legs stretched out, his whole body exhausted from the long day - it was almost midnight.  
Holding his phone in his hand like the day before, when he received a message from Daniel:

_(Daniel, 11:57 PM)  
Already asleep?  
Wanna call?  
_

Iwaizumi paused for a second when he saw the pop up message on the upper corner screen margin while his display showed a full body shot Oikawa's.  
That he stared at too long.  
Compressing his lips, he swiped the Instagram app to the left and tapped the phone symbol. Phone book... was at odds for whatever reason, he could not explain.  
Finally, he tapped on Daniel's line and it did not take long until he answered the call:

' _Guten Abend, Schatz!'_

It became a running gag between them: Daniel welcomed Iwaizumi every time with a German phrase, trying to familiarize him with his mother tongue.   
In return, Iwaizumi answered in...

_'mada tsukarete iranai?'_

Silence.

_  
'... What did you say?'_

_'You're still not tired?'_

_'Huh? Wasn't it_ nemui _?'_

'Not _sleepy_. More like _being exhausted.'_

' _Ah, okay.'_

Daniel's smooth voice sounded in comprehension. Usually, that send a warm shiver up and down Iwaizumi's spine but right now... it did not cause anything. 

He felt bad about it. Really. Because he was not able to get rid of his inner ghosts. A ghost which manifested to a human being again, because he did not lock it up properly.  
Right after they slept together. 

' _What's wrong, Hajime? Everything's okay? Should we hang up and talk tomorrow?'_ Daniel concluded because of the silence, not being very talkative at the moment. Iwaizumi shook his head even his partner could not see it, got his shit together,

'No, it's okay. Just... feeling really tired. Work was exhausting.'

' _Take care, that you won't overwork. I need you.'_

'Don't worry. I don't do extra hours or something like that... the customers were just... crazy.' Lie. In the end it was him who had not been paying attention and messed up. That he even got admonished by the boss that he should not daydream. How embarrassing.

.... Maybe... he should talk about it?

  
'I take care' he promised to Daniel once more, being empathic about the vow, because he knew that his boyfriend just worried about him.  
Pausing to think before speaking he finally let it overcome his lips:  
'Dan... have you ever broken up with people who had been dear to you?'

The other one stayed silent and then specified the question:

' _You mean forever?'_

'Yeah'

_'I have.'_

'Have they entered your life again?'

Daniel remained silent once again, but then he was more serious, but also being more compassionate. That was one of the things, Iwaizumi liked about him. He had a sense for other people's concerns and instinctively knew how to react, how to take them. If it was necessary to dig into or to help to bite the bullet.

_  
'Hajime... who are we talking about?'  
_

Iwaizumi bit his bottom lip and sighed, stressed out of this topic. He put his arm over his face as he answered. As if... this was a bitter confession he had to make. And somehow... it was one.

For his longest time here in California he had never told anyone about this. How he had grown up with Oikawa. How he had played Volleyball with him. That they were best friends. But most of all he had never talked about the fact that he had developed feelings for his best friend already a long time ago. That had become closer, and still... 

'My former best friend... Oikawa Tooru. He... he did not really return. Well... he's living in Argentina, is playing Volleyball as a pro since we graduated. My friends referred to him because... dunno. Somehow they get whiff of the fact he is playing for _San Juan_. Jim is a fan of them. They showed me his Instagram profile. That was the first time since back when that I had to deal with him again.'

Even now he could not be honest at all.  
Of course, he had thought about Oikawa more than twice or thrice. And as he tried to suppress it, his subconsciousness injected him into his dreams! But it was true that this had not been happening for a longer time...  
He knitted his brows under the burden of that topic, breathed harder.

_'What happened? That you don't talk anymore? I mean... did you dump him or did he dump you?'  
_

'I did.'

 _'Why?'_  
  
Iwaizumi felt his heart beating fast. He finally had the chance to take his pressure of his shoulders. But why did it have to be his own boyfriend?  
Quietly - really, really quietly - the Japanese young man continued:

'Because he didn't have the balls to be true to himself.' 

An uncomfortable silence rose between them. They never quarreled before. Not a single fight. But this call... had an unpleasant course. The undertone which was found in Daniel's words now was far too seriously. Nearly displeasing. He tried to stay calm because he chose his words in a neutral way. As if he wanted to explain Iwaizumi some formula of a performance indicator. But there was this cold, incisive something...

' _If you ask me, it's in the past. How long has it been? Since graduation? A year and a half, right? And he never tried to contact you, right?'_

  
Iwaizumi was a little bit surprised about this question, trying to make his own conclusions but failed:

'What d'you mean?'

' _Well... you dumped him because he was coward. And it seems he still is. In other words: Don't waste your time on him. If he doesn't get it that he hung you out on dry ... Too bad. But lucky me!'_

Daniel understood too well that there had been some unspoken feelings between Iwaizumi and Oikawa. Something that was more than friendship. He wanted to put an end to it and did not want to have an invisible rival. Someone, who did not exist in their microcosm.  
' _Block him, so you can't be lulled by him. Tell your friends that they'd better leave it.'_

He did not have construed it in such a negative way... 

'Ellen is just curious, that's how she is.'

_'Yeah, I know. That's what she should stop.'_

  
_One could talk with him about complicated topics._

It did not feel like that, right now. It seemed to Iwaizumi that Daniel was trying to find an exit to end the discussion really quick. Shelve it.   
Of course, he did not want to live in the past and wanted to enjoy the present to its fullest - and maybe it was as simple as blocking an account or deleting the whole app - but... The growing unrest inside of him, which caused his stomach rumbling, was not so easy to shut down.

Choking the fire was not that easy anymore. There were too many sources which came together one by one, building bigger flames - and he has not recognised them until now.  
But his boyfriend had and was eagerly trying to choke them with a big, thick rug.

' _Okay... and regarding our lil' trip on Friday... still on date? Could you handle it with your work?'_

They talked about the soon-to-be trip to LA. It had been Daniel's idea, two weeks ago: He wanted to see the city so desperately, and Iwaizumi had not had the chance to go there, yet. So it was the perfect chance to have a weekend trip, relax and enjoy some time together?  
They would go by car, which Daniel had to rent. The room in the hotel was already booked, and they had brainstormed what they wanted to do.  
Talking about this, Daniel's mood lifted, and they finished the phone call with a _good night_ full of anticipation. At least, the tutor was.  
  
Iwaizumi was more or less still unsatisfied.  
With himself. With the Oikawa-shit.  
With the world.

It bothered him how his boyfriend denigrated his concern. As if Iwaizumi was just exaggerating and overreacting. Maybe. Maybe a bit.  
But Daniel did not know him. Neither Oikawa's flattering, strong points, nor his flaws, the weak points. He could not know that it had been a hard fight for Oikawa to accept his own feelings towards Iwaizumi halfway. Having warm feelings for his best friends. More than you could have for a bestie or a family member. (And of course they were the last because they had spent more than a decade together!)

Iwaizumi had had a lot of understanding, although he suffered from that insecurity of Oikawa... He waited. Maybe he had waited longer but then... the decision was made that Oikawa would go to Argentina. The first curtain closed. So Iwaizumi applied for his studies in Irvine and got the acceptance letter. The second curtain.  
How shocked Oikawa had been as he showed him the paper... and also the fragile reason that he had that big fight which leaded to the result that they did not talk to each other for weeks... and then... the goodbye.

The day which had been a silent ultimatum...

He had just wanted to hear it.

Only once.

Hear, what Oikawa's brown irides spoke to him the whole time.  
Hear, what Oikawa's fingertips told him while they were stroking his palm or... when they made love.

_Hajime, I love you! We'll be fine!_

Nothing more.

And for that reason it was more than just a high school love story for Iwaizumi.  
More than puppy love.  
So much more.

The trip to Los Angeles arrived at the most opportune moment. He would ignore his phone as much as he could. Only using it for taking photos or emergency situations.  
He would spend a wonderful time with his boyfriend and explore the city, which was on everyone's lips in the world.  
So he could bring his mind back to reality.

And his heart.


	5. Last Friday Night

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> << Flashback chapter >>
> 
> Okay...  
> Well... when he really could say it again, could not he?  
> It would not make any difference.  
> Oikawa gasped for air, suppressed the upcoming sobbing which tried to flee from his lips and then he said — no, whispered — those three words:  
> 'I... love you...'

'Iwa-chan, you're coming, too, right? The party?'

Iwaizumi's eyes narrowed noticeable and his lips formed a thin line, looking at his best friend's bright, happy running-on-sunshine-smile.

'That's all why you came over?'

His eyes followed the surrounding of class 3-4, which he was a part of in his senior year. The boys did not care about them but the girls... of course they also had some Shittykawa fans around, which were really happy and astonished about the rare visit of the Prince Charming... probably throwing their panties at him in their minds.

'Rude, Iwa-chan!'  
  


Yes, he had heard of this weekend's party which was held by a guy of Oikawa's class.  
Shittykawa had told him every single detail about it. Because he wanted to have them all — Hanamaki, Matsukawa, Yuda and the other senpais of the volleyball club. First, it had only been a class party but then, like it always has been with the rich and the famous pupils, the party expanded itself to a much larger one and became something like a senior year festival.  
So no surprise at all that it had been topic no.1 among the gossip stuffs.  
What will you wear? You're coming, right? Do you bring your boyfriend? Have you heard...? Etc.  
Actually it was because of the — mostly unknown — guy's birthday. Nobody cared anymore.

Oikawa had already bothered Iwaizumi a week ago via LINE but up until now never got a response. The more people talked in school about it and were planning stuff, the less the ace trusted in this event and doubted, that it would be such a good idea.  
Alcohol would flow in abundance. A lot of alcohol. Thanks to someone whose big sister was working in a liquor store and could make cheap deals. Even if it was illegal because of everyone being underage but... as it was said before: who cares.  
There would be definitely party games: drinking games. Truth or Dare. Seven minutes in heaven. Such shit. Some of them also suggested that dope-heads would bring weed along.  
And three days before the big party the mob heard that the youth hostel, which was pretty close to their school, was rented. They could use the big common room, could stay for the night in one of the cheap shared rooms if it got too late or if they were off their faces.  
...  
No, that was definitely not a good idea!

He put Oikawa off, stood up and went to the toilet. When Oikawa wanted to follow even there, Seijoh's wingspiker barked at him ('Are you really gonna get on my wick while I'm taking a leak?') and succeeded in having a break at least until lunchtime. His best friend was the kind of man, who could pester someone with his presence, until he or she gave in. Annoying jerk!

*** * ***

'That was pretty rude to ditch me like that!' he grumbled and put his hand theatrically on his chest as if he was shot **.** _Why he wasn't!_ 'You haven't agreed yet! That's why I wanted to enquire personally!'

'Why should I? Are you the host?' Iwaizumi complained and sucked in a noisy way on the straw of his orange juice box.

Oikawa took out the milk bread bag of his bag, he had every day with him (and if not, there were these stupid chicks who baked him some in home economics!), and sat down next to Iwaizumi on the bench, crossed his legs very cool and took a satisfied bite of that sweet stuff.

'If you keep eating that shit every day, you'll get fat. Take more care of your nutrition!' the spiky haired boy disciplined him and stared just in front of him, to the school ground of Aoba Johsai High school.

'Iwa-chan, stop saying such nasty things! Else you'll never get a girlfriend!'

'Like you? Who breaks up with you because all you can see on her neck is a volleyball instead of the head?'

'That's not true! We were in the middle of Interhigh preps!' the Volleyball club captain tried to defend himself, regarding the first and last relationship he had and pouted, 'We didn't match at all!' he muttered.

'If you say so...'

He was not interested in Oikawa's love life.  
It just got on his nerves that every week in a while Oikawa was dating a girl for a day and gave a dramatic lament about how she did not understand him at all, his passion for volleyball and so on.  
Why did it take so long for Hanamaki and Matsukawa? His one and only rescue and salvation?  
These two were the other members of the traditional 3rd years squad and were always spending their lunchtime with Iwaizumi and Oikawa.

 _Sure the crowded canteen..._ Iwaizumi thought of a reason for being late and let the straw plop out of his mouth.

'I don't think it's a good decision to go' he finally objected, taking up again the _party_ topic and rested his right arm on the bench's wooden beam. Looking to his left, only an offended, sulking Oikawa was awaiting him.

'Come on, don't be such a mom!'

'Huh? Did I hear that right?' he gave the setter a dirty look which would have the skill to kill. Immediately. There were some comments it was best not to tangle with the ace. For example... such mom-lines.

'O-Okay! Sorry!' Oikawa threw his hand apologetically in the air and shook it off, 'Didn't say anything!'

'Really... it's just a binge. Why d'you wanna go?'

'Well...' The brunette handsome guy did not continue, umed and erred, which aroused attention. Usually... he never did this?!  
But when he was looking at him... carefully... noticing the stupid grin on Oikawa's face and how he rubbed the back of his head... ahh... of course...  
Iwaizumi exhaled loudly.  
'To be honest... I was asked out by some girls and um... Makki and Mattsun agreed to come, but I know that you're much better in keeping them at bay?!'

'Are you fucking serious? What am I? Your fucking bodyguard?'

'Iwa-chan, you're... just not that popular with the girls, rather scaring them with your gloomy expression! I've never said this before, but I'm really- ouch!!'

Iwaizumi had grabbed his school bag, right next to him, and thrown it directly in Oikawa's stupid-stupid face.

'One more word and your ass will wipe the gym's floor, Shittykawa!'

'I wanted to compliment you!'

'Hey, already the husband and wife quarrel again?'

The addressed two paused and looked over their shoulders at the exact same time, noticing their team members and friends, who were holding their food supplies with a big fat grin, and had sneaked to the bench.

'Iwa-chan doesn't wanna come to the party!' their captain cried like a child and was searching for consolation.

'You're such a bugger!' Iwaizumi claimed furiously.

'Well, we're in' Matsukawa explained very amused, 'Come on, Iwaizumi! When you'll get the chance to have such a beano?'

Snarling and grumbling, Oikawa's best friend crossed his arms.

He did not have a choice, did he?

'Yeah, and moreover you're the one who can keep him on a short leash best!' Hanamaki nodded, 'Oikawa isn't unable to hold his drink, as you know.'

He _really_ did not have a choice...

*** * *  
**

Well... it was legit to be late, right?

Most people were just arriving two hours later, and he knew Oikawa well enough that he also would not be on stroke at all.

But now... Iwaizumi was not so sure about this anymore.

When he arrived the hostel, wearing comfortable clothes — his tight, black jeans and a simple dark t-shirt — the loud bawling clearly echoed from the inside. It seemed that the party had already started. Music filled the air around the building, there was laughter...

'Cool, nice to have you... whoever you are!' he got welcomed by some stranger of a student who had opened the door. That student, acting all so cool, held his beer bottle in the air and then took a sip. He grinned at the ace but then turned around and left, because his friends shouted over - already tumbling and babbling at 9 PM.

Being on his own again, Iwaizumi lifted his eyebrows skeptically and inhaled deep, then moving forward. His ears had to got used to the noisy surrounding, and his nose had to, too, because the different kind of smells which came right of him - stagnant air, smoke of cigarettes, alcohol ... was he really on a party of Seijoh's senior year or... was it some kind of frat?

Walking over to the common room, where most of the guests were gathered, he looked around. The room had only dimmed lights. Comfortable enough to find your opposite or the snacks and the alcohol and being able to overlook the chaos which expanded proportionally to every passing hour on the floor and the tables.  
He noticed that there were so many students he had never seen before and suggested that a lot of them came from other schools, all in all it must be around one hundred men, counting four of six classes at minimum. A hundred people who just wanted to get drunk. Probably. He carved to the centre, passing tipsy giggling girls who went all quiet, suddenly.

Iwaizumi noticed that they were staring at his arms and chest, both well presented in his shirt which got a little bit tight around his muscles. But he forgot that it was only natural since he was one of the very few guys who had a good muscle growth. Furthermore, it was true, that he was more popular than he thought. (Oikawa always made jokes about it and Iwaizumi did not give a damn but... that was the truth!)

The next room was a smaller one, you could barely see your own hand in front of your face, because it was so dark, but he could not miss the passionately kissing couple in the door frame.  
Rolling his eyes, Iwaizumi tried to ignore how they stuck their tongue down in each other's throat and arrived the seating corner with couches and small tables, hearing laughter and the clinging of glass bottles.

As he had predicted... it was just a booze-up.

His green eyes scanned his surrounding, looking for familiar faces.  
Hanamaki, Matsukawa, Oikawa.  
Where were they, damn it?

'Hey, here you are!' he got slapped on the back that he tumbled forwards, being shocked, and the next second he felt someone hugging him too tight, so he stumbled to the side.

Iwaizumi looked to the first culprit — Matsukawa to his right. Then he looked to the second — Hanamaki to hist left.  
Both tipsy as fuck.

'You stink of beer' the ace hissed disgusted, and the two exchanged a puzzled look, then laughed for an unknown reason.

'Everyone stinks of something here' Matsukawa grinned and tried to roll up his sleeves which always came down, because his shirt was way too big for him. It remained in trying. His hand-eye-coordination was not the best anymore.

'Yeah but mostly our captain! He's really stinky!' Hanamaki added and helped Matsukawa, rolling up the fabric.

'Oikawa? Why?' Iwaizumi's eyes widened when he heard that.

'Dunno. Mumured, that you wouldn't come or so.'

'Where is he?'

'Maybe on the porch. He got hooked up by some girls' Hanamaki laughed again and then accomplished his task with the first sleeve, turning to the second.

Iwaizumi groaned angrily. That was... typical for him. He really would have to be in charge of saving his best friend's ass.

'Come on, take a sip before you're kicking is ass!'

'Sorry, no' he declined and stepped back before the two could do anything weird again with him. Drunken people were always... unpredictable. 'I'd better find him before Shittykawa is doing something stupid.'  
What the fuck was going on??

He left them, hearing a 'Iwa-chan, go' and 'Mommy Iwa' but ignored them. Iwaizumi was already preparing himself for the horror he will get himself into, facing Oikawa... and putting on his gloomiest face.

On the way to the porch, he had to open the wooden door, closed it behind him again as he stepped through and took notice of the silence.  
The laughter went dead-sounding, the music, too, and it was all so peaceful and comfortable that he did not ever want to go back again.  
He enjoyed the fresh air, the cool breeze. Enjoyed the night sky which covered the world with its vault, only giving some sparkling lights — called stars.

The porch and the flanking garden had some solar lamps at the wayside.

Be guided by those Iwaizumi took some steps, still standing on the wooden strips of the ground, when he heard...

'Only one after another!'

His vein-of-anger began to deflect.  
That... had been Oikawa's voice.

'Really, I can't take you all!'

What the fuck was going on??

In a brisk walk he followed the voice of his best friend who seemed to be as drunk as Hanamaki and Matsukawa before.  
Around the corner... he saw it. Oikawa, sitting on the garden swing, surrounded by three giggling girls, who tried to feed him with strawberries, almost sitting on his lap.  
Punchbowl strawberries, Iwaizumi concluded, seeing the large round glass container in one of the female's hands.

'Have you a screw loose?' he raged at them pretty shocked and the whole group flinched about the sudden interruption.

'Iwa-chan!!'

His best friend jumped, ditching the girls right in the next second and tumbled, grinning from ear to ear, to him.  
He seemed to be a bit jazzed - his always so perfect styled hair was a slight mess, his eyes had that dizzy glance and his cheeks were all reddened because of too much alcohol. The light gray shirt eh was wearing had one too many buttons loose and on his right corner of his mouth was some rest of the punchbowl.

'See? This is my best friend, Iwa-chan!' Oikawa tugged him by the arm and dragged him to the girls, introducing him to them.

'What the fuck?' Iwaizumi still complained in his usual aggressive voice and tried to break free again.

The girls looked amused, kept up the giggling.

'What? You're too late so you have to sit with us!' Oikawa sulked, pushed his lower lip forward and had his stupid own logic of a drunken guy. Offended he turned his head to the side.

'Screw that. I'll take you home. Now.' the ace pointed behind him, 'You're drunk enough.'

'Iwa-chan... are you my mommy?'

'Huh?'

The girls laughed loudly but now one of them stood up and stepped over to Iwaizumi.  
She also had a red face and grinned boldly at him. A fair girl with her long, silky black hair, her big eyes — especially for a Japanese — framed by voluminous lashes.

'Iwaizumi-senpai' she hummed in a melodic voice, trying to get his attention.

Linking her arm, she blinked, and he had to look at her. Most of all because her hand was touching his bare forearm and so stroking his biceps up and down. 'Iwaizumi-senpai, Oikawa-senpai told us, you haven't got a girlfriend, because you're shy and grumpy. Is that true?' she asked all sweet.  
Iwaizumi gave his best friend a deadly glare but could not hide his embarassment when she snuggled to him, pushing her soft boobs into him.

'You're talking shit!' Breaking free as if he had a mosquito attack he stepped away. Disgusted by that ditch she looked at her friends, wanting some help and support, but they were too occupied with whispering.  
Iwaizumi showed no mercy and shouted at the stupid chicks, too:

'Get in or out or... wherever! I have to talk to him!'

They made a face but did not want to argue with such a grumpy, stupid man. They could talk later to Oikawa-senpai again and trying to seduce him! Anyway, it had been fun, feeding him, feeling his lips on their fingertips and sometimes even the tip of his tongue. It had been hot. Wet panty alert!

For a few seconds after they disappeared, it got louder again, but only because they had opened the door.

Then, surrounded in silence again Oikawa just stared at him, still with his red cheeks but with a much more serious glare. He lifted his chin up arrogantly, put his hands on his tips.

'You're such a party pooper!' he grumbled, looking down on his best friend.

'Saying one more and I'm going to hit you!'

'Always such a brute! No surprise that girls aren't hitting on you!'

Iwaizumi made short work of him, grabbed Oikawa on his collar and threw him with a well-trained judo technique forward, on the grass. The setter could not break his fall and rolled on the lawn, two meters away.  
Remained on the ground.  
Did not say anything.

'Oi, Oikawa.'

Still silence.  
Iwaizumi crossed his arms and waited.  
Five seconds.  
Ten seconds.  
After twenty seconds he inhaled.  
  
'Wanna put my patience on an edge? Get up, asshole!'

But because his best friend still did not as he was told... the other one felt uneasiness and wanted to check up on him. Walking from the wooden strips on the green, he knitted his eyebrows, was worried.

'Hey, everything's alright with y--wuah!!'

Suddenly he got carried away by his ankle. Something grabbed him, and he hit the ground on his left said, groaned out of pain which stroke him immediately.  
Fuck it...  
A shadow was hovering above him, nailing him on the grass and supported himself on both hands next to Iwaizumi's head. Giving him a nasty grin.  
Iwaizumi blinked, snarled a 'What the f-' but it all ended in a deep growl when he recognised the culprit.  
'I'll kill you for sure, Crappykawa. What was that for?"  
Oikawa did not reply at all, just kept grinning - the kind of arrogant grin he put on when he nailed a match, won against another team, 'Stop grimacing! That pisses me off!'  
'Iwa-chan~' the brunette sang with his silky-soft voice, 'As I told you: You shouldn't talk with such vulgar words and be more gentle. Else you'll never get a girlfriend.'  
'Shittykawa, it's enough!'  
'But... you don't need one anyway.'

Iwaizumi had to talk back again, but just looked at Oikawa pretty puzzled.

What the heck...?!

His brown eyes which almost seemed black in the darkness of the night, still had an amused expression, but there was something else...  
Something, Iwaizumi... had never noticed before, when it comes to him.  
Something, that... if he didn't know better, he would have named it _longing_.  
After a deep breath he asked the setter again:  
'Come on, get off of me! Party's over!'  
'No, it's just beginning!' Oikawa disagreed with his ear-to-ear smile.  
'I kick your lunchbox, when there's nothing to begin with anymore!'  
'Iwa-chan, you're so cute, making a fuzz!'  
'Wha--!!'  
  


And that was when Oikawa cut him off a second time.

Not with words.

His lips pressed on his friends', did not even let him finish his sentence. Iwaizumi's eyes widened in shock, he was unable to anything than holding his breath and staying still...  
That... that must be a dream, right?

_Soft. Like velvet. Warm. Sweet. Challenging. Hungry._

So many descriptions came to his mind in an instant, everything he tasted, smelled and associate with this...

_Tender. Caressing. Investigative. Curious._

Strangely, it was not that he felt disgust or aversion.  
Just... irritation that let his pulse race.  
Irritation, which was not born with the kiss but with something lingering deep inside... just waiting to wake up.

Oikawa released himself, just a few millimeters, but could still feel the tickling of the other's breath on his skin. Looking Iwaizumi in the eye, after a flutter with his long lashed, he smiled in an almost gentle way.

'I really thought... that you wouldn't come.' he spoke out of the blue. Bending down, he unintentionally exhaled into the ear of the black-haired boy. He made Iwaizumi's hackles raising, let him stiffen more and let his heart beating strongly against the inside of his chest. 'I... love spending time with Iwa-chan best' Oikawa murmured and lay his lips down on Iwaizumi's neck, right under the earlobe, leaving invisible small traces.  
When he licked with the tip of his tongue over the sensitive skin, Iwaizumi finally woke up, sit up rapidly and pushed Oikawa energetically away so that the brunette fall on his seat, and they stared at each other like strangers would.

'You... You're totally drunk!' the ace murmured, dark red face. Thanks to the darkness it was not obvious, but... shit ... could his body calm down?!  
It was not only for his bloodstream, but also deep down, where everything contracted.

Oikawa lowered his head as if he had realised what he had done.  
He stood up, tumbling, not speaking at all.

'O-Oikawa?!'

Regaining his balance, he turned his back to on Iwaizumi. Ran his fingers through his hair and exhaled.

'H-Hey?'

Continued the act of ignoring, the captain stepped into the garden in front of him.  
Now, Iwaizumi also jumped and hurried after him, when there were already four, five-meter distance between them.

'What's wrong with you? Talk to me!'

He did not understand what was happening right now... the kiss.. okay... that could be because of the alcohol.

But now?

Why did he ignore him? Chicken out... that was not how Oikawa usually was?

They walked further and further, already standing at the fence which marked the next piece of land. Far away from the varied scene, only the stars and the moonlight in the sky above, the latter cheating through the clouds.  
The voices from the hostel echoed very quietly. Instead, Iwaizumi heard every breath of himself and also every step of them in the wet grass.

_Damn it..._

Catching at the wrist of his friend, he forced him to stop.

'I'm not mad at you or... whatever! But don't you just say nothing! Talk to me! Like always!'

Why did he sound so desperate? Why did it hurt so much, being ignored?

'I can't!!' the taller one of them shouted for the first time in five minutes, his voice was shaky. As if he was hunted down, could not escape and his only possibility was to take the offense. 'If I do...' He dropped it. Standing with his back towards Iwaizumi.

'... and then what?'

Oikawa breathed hard, so his whole shoulder and pectoral muscles had to work.

'Then you'll hate me for sure, because I would tell you... that I love you!!'

He turned around a bit, glancing over. Good enough that Iwaizumi could observe the glistening tears welling up in Oikawa's eyes. He was shocked. Because of the other's expression which hurt him. Also about the words, because he had never thought that he would be in the position to hear them one day...

'You... _what_?'

Wrong reaction.

'Nothing.'

For a moment he let down his walls... and now he was hastily building them up again.  
Because he felt overwhelmed.  
Because he was scared.  
  
That was nothing new.

Oikawa, crying, was something Iwaizumi had only seen four times in his whole life.  
Twice, when they had been kids — because he felt down and then because of his stubbornness.

The third time in middle school, senior year, when they lost against Shiratorizawa —  once more.  
The fourth time... when Oikawa injured his knee badly during practice and had to stay at home.  
Fainting into lethargy and yelling at him that it would be the finish line of his Volleyball career which had not begun at all.  
  
Every single time it had hurt Iwaizumi.  
Like a knife, stabbing right into his heart.

And over the years it got worse... Oikawa's pain felt like his own.  
That last time Iwaizumi had sworn to himself that he would never ever let Oikawa cry again.  
What a naive idea, because he could never save him from all negative experiences —  that was life. But his feelings had put a bee in his bonnet.  
... Who was he to make this happen?

Nobody.

Just... the person who made his best friend cry.  
Because of him.

Nonetheless... and if it was only a little bit ... he...

'Say that again!'

'No!'

'Oikawa!'

'No!!'

' _Tooru_!!'

The captain stopped abruptly. That sent chills down his spine.  
When had Iwaizumi used his given name?  
Elementary school... he had to smile bitterly.

'Please... say it again...' Iwaizumi pleaded low-voiced and his voice was so close to Oikawa's ear that he had to stand right behind him.

'Why... should I? Do you want to humiliate me?' Oikawa still tried to put on a brave face and to turn the situation into ridicule. Covering up as usual.

Shit... why did the strawberry punchbowl not have any effect anymore?? He should have drank more, because now he felt absolutely sober!

'Just do it. Turn around and... repeat it!'

'Never! I won't make a fool of myself again!'

Snarling, Iwaizumi took over, was fed up with the fuss and went around the brunette, until he could look Oikawa straight into the face.  
He looked stern but was not upset at all — as he said — almost... had a craving expression in his eyes. Something so gentle like Oikawa had not seen since his accident...  
And he, the idiot, ruined their friendship which was so dear to him! Which... meant everything to him!

....

Okay...

Well... when he really could say it again, could not he?

It would not make any difference.

Oikawa gasped for air, suppressed the upcoming sobbing which tried to flee from his lips and then he said — no, whispered — those three words:

'I... love you...'

What was it that tempted him to rush forward?  
To grab his friend by his hand, pulling him closer, right after he finished and... started kissing him?  
Really kissing him, like Oikawa did before to him?  
That his hands cupped the wet cheeks of his opposite for having more support and did not let him escape?

Oikwawa was taken by surprise, but then he could not fight back what he felt: How much he wanted this and yearned for. All the time.  
He kissed him back, greedy, tilted his head a bit to the side so their lips could meet in a more comfortable way. He flung his arms around Iwaizumi's neck, presses his body against his partners', so they both stumbled backwards and fell to the ground. Just during the fall they stopped kissing. This time it was Oikawa's turn to lay down.

Exploring every inch and finally bidding him for entrance with his tongue, until they started to dance passionately and curiously. Never ever had they done this before and still they were so in sync, completing each other, as they were known for on the court.

Panting for breath Iwaizumi broke the kiss and look down to Oikawa, which was fully absorbed by the emotions which had driven him right now to act, not think, watching the black-haired boy, totally going to pieces. Beady, still bleary eyes and biting his swollen, lower lip... the outer hitter swallowed hard, feeling his member react almost painfully in his jeans. Fuck...

Suddenly Oikawa pulled him downwards, on his t-shirt collar, rolling over in the green grass, so the setter was on top again and compiling advantage.  
Eagerly he covered Iwaizumi's side of the neck with his kisses but was not shy or anxious anymore.  
Iwaizumi panted, sucked the air sharply — Oikawa found all his sweet spots, caressing them carefully, shuffled his leg between Iwaizumi's and rubbed dangerously his crotch. Maybe on purpose. Maybe not.  
But it worked too well...

Shit...

'Iwa-chan... don't tell me, you're already hard?'

'Shut up, Shittykawa!'

'Mhm~ only when you're calling my name.'

***  
  
**

They went the way back from the hostel in silence.  
Back to Iwaizumi's, because his parents were not at home.  
Walking through the small shopping street, passing the Conbini where they had bought ice cream, green tea and other last minute snacks in the past - right after school or during vacations... that one shop Oikawa stopped in front of wilfully. **  
**

'Do you... have any?' he asked quietly, calm and cool. As if it was about a coke. The ace turned around, had walked a little further, had a questioning look on his face, then blinked.  
Suddenly he got it.

'N-No...'

'Let's buy some.'

Somehow he really admired how cool his best friend was.  
How relaxed he walked over to the shelf with the contraceptives and took the lube and the condoms. Paying for them at the cash desk almost naturally, while Iwaizumi was a bit nervous, standing next to him. He kept an eye on the cashier, but this man could not have cared less. Probably it was more than normal for him that people — teenager — bought condoms on a weekend's night?  
When they exited Iwaizumi tried to cover up his embarrassment:

'I'll... pay the half tomorrow?'

'Drop it. It's okay.'

'Okay.'

It seemed as if they had changed roles. Oikawa cooled down, was a bit too silent and serious for Iwaizumi's liking, but was not the emotional distress he had represented before. Different from Iwaizumi, who felt the anxiousness in his stomach  
welling up.

They reached his house within the next ten minutes, and the black-haired boy had to fight more and more against the tension, and his mind only revolved around one thing... Fuck... they... would do it. He would sleep with his best friend!  
He unlocked, opened the door and... nothing but darkness. As promised, nobody was home.

'They will return tomorrow afternoon' murmured Iwaizumi and slipped of his shoes. He wanted to switch on the light, but Oikawa's hand suddenly touched his before he could do so,

'Don't...'

And then he got the point that Oikawa's coolness was just fake. That he was suppressing his real desires. That he held back. In the shop. On the way. Since the party.  
Iwaizumi did not object, turned to him and was pushed by Oikawa's strong hands against the wall next to the drawer immediately. Nailed by him, no escape in sight, Oikawa's warm body pressed on his while he caught him in a passionate kiss. Did not show any reluctance, but let out the longing which raged so untamed within him.  
The brunette's hip shuffled against his own, let Iwaizumi groan quietly and generously, when he felt the hard member in the other's pants.

They stumbled over to Iwaizumi's room, almost blind. Oikawa had been here a billion times, he could do this with closed eyes.  
The door remained half-open when they landed on the bed, touching and kissing wildly.  
Here where they slept next to each other many, many times. As kids, as teens and now as almost grown-ups... only it would not be a sweet sleep...

Oikawa was on top, kissed him demanding with upcoming satisfaction. Pressed his lips again and again on Iwaizumi's, nibbled with his teeth on the lower lip and sucked on it.  
The inhibition level was low, his lust level all high, driven by the desire to feel more. His hands slid uncontrolled over the shirt of is partner, then right under the fabric, touching impatiently the warm and naked skin. Stroking almost reverently every single ab which were pretty much defined. Those abs he always envied Iwaizumi for. Those abs he had wanted to touch for such a long time and finally could enjoy it.

Iwaizumi could not agree more to that treatment, let Oikawa do as he likes and even gave mysterious sounds which truly resembled a moan.  
The brunette blushed all over his face and he paused for a second, looked up and witnessed how Iwaizumi was caught by another wave of arousal, closing his eyes, opening his lips and exhaling another deep groan... which got him goose bumps and let his blood rush down his loins. Iwa-chan... who... moaned because of _him_?

Swallowing hard he released Iwaizumi's neck which now had a longer trace of reddish, violet traces. Looked at red full lips, looked him in the eye which Iwaizumi opened slowly again, irritated why Oikawa had stopped.

'W-What...?' God... his voice was so... rough and husky. How his Adam's apple moved anxiously as he swallowed. So... infatuating. So hot. So sexy.

He loved it. He wanted to see Iwaizumi more often in this state. _Hear_ him.

'Iwa-chan...' Oikawa whispered, tilted his head to Iwaizumi's ear, 'Iwa-chan... _Hajime..._ '

  
Oikawa saying... whispering his name, no, sang it in full thirst of lust, Iwaizumi's heart stopped beating and his mind was on the road to going crazy.  
He should do this again. Should say this again. Many, many times.  
Fuck... he really wanted it. Wanted to be touched by him.  
Like this... Oikawa's fingertips and nails ran softly over his chest. Scratching him slightly. Discovering the already hard left nipple, teasing it with circular movements which let Iwaizumi pant even more. How his hands went all the way down, shove up the shirt and Iwaizumi did not hesitate to take it off over his head.

'I... want you so much...' Oikawa admitted with a heavy breath, gazing from head to hip, ending at his green eyes again. His fingertips exploring the area under his belly button, sliding down to his jeans and under that one and also Iwaizumi's boxers. 'I want all of you... _Hajime_...'

Iwaizumi bit his lower lip, held his breath. Oikawa confessed to him his darkest side. His deepest desires. God... how should he resist?  
He sat up and pushed the surprised setter suddenly on the shoulder, back on the mattress. Bending over him and shifting his weight on him.

'Then... you have to let me' he panted, blushed, but was so determined to walk the talk. 'Because... I also want... everything of you... Tooru...'

None of them had experiences in that field, none of them knew if it was right what they were doing... but both had fantasised more than once about the other. In a dream or during daytime... how the touche would feel. Get caressed. Listening to dirty words.

They knew how they liked it and that they could trust each other.  
Trust each other enough to make love.

So much that Oikawa let himself be the bottom.

It hurt, was painful, tears were shed but in the end it was all about his kisses, his calming words and touched that Oikawa needed to bear it.  
To enjoy it somehow, even it was more unpleasant than everything else. Watching Iwaizumi, how he tried hard to control his movements, thrusting not too deep but also let himself drift away with the passion which shut down his mind.  
That Oikawa put his head back when Iwaizumi hit his sensitive spot - something he did not even know to exist up until now, giving a pleading _'Hajime' ._ His hands clung on the strong arms, searching for support. At the same time he accommodated, lifting his hips, so he could feel more.  
Feel more of the fire and feel the momentum, Iwa-chan cummed inside him, driven him so crazy, he got over the edge just a little bit after, too.

Right now, it was the intimate affection and the bond to each other they needed and wanted to share with each other.  
That it was not only the alcohol but... unspoken feelings they had and hid...

*** * ***

Iwaizumi had a hard time, opening his eyes.  
He looked up, to the ceiling of his room in the student's residence, still half dark.  
Trying to understand that... it had just been a dream.  
Nothing more, nothing less.  
Just a dream.  
  
He sat up, looked at the alarm clock. 5:20 AM.  
Groaning, he fell back into the cushion.  
Now he could stay awake. In 30 minutes he had to get up, nonetheless.  
But then his eyes moved to the duvet...  
Taking notice of the problem, he had _down_ there, between his legs.

Fuck...

Rubbing his eyes with his knuckles, he inhaled and exhaled.

Why... did he have to remember this now?

Because he had watched these stupid Stories on Instagram?

Because he talked with Daniel about it?

Fuck you, subconsciousness... what were you trying to tell him?

Jumping out of bed, Iwaizumi would need an early shower.  
To get rid of his boner because he dreamed of...  
Shit. All because of him!  
That god-damn...

But the smile Oikawa had in is stories ... Iwaizumi would not forget it.  
It was matured, charming, but still him: Oikawa Tooru.  
The same one he had met him with.  
A little part of him had stayed the boy he had been. Who could be excited.

About volleyball.  
About being a volleyball pro.  
About conquering the world.

And he did.

In Argentina, he was on the road to make victory his. But for Iwaizumi...

Iwaizumi's world was conquered since the first day he had met him.

Fuck... what was happening?

Why... everything started to revolve around this goddamn bastard again?

_'I love you...'_


	6. Postcards from L.A.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Dan, I'm sorry that I was stuck to the phone, okay? Yeah, I didn't notice! But... do I have to justify myself right now?"
> 
> "Maybe, if it is about that Toru guy?"
> 
> His eyebrows twitched dangerously, but Daniel mistook this as an evidence that he was right about it. Giving a "tsk" with a cluck of his tongue, he looked away.
> 
> "Really? Are you jealous?" Iwaizumi snarled, getting more and more furious, because his boyfriend stepped on life-crucial territory he had never invited him to.  
> There was not much that could disturb him like that, but being approached on the O topic was an absolute no-go area.
> 
> "Should I?" Daniel returned with a false, naive attitude. 
> 
> They stared at each other again, stayed silent once more, for a few seconds.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry if some "notifications" aren't 100% accurate. :')  
> But I think you'll get an idea what this was about.  
> (I'm always grateful for corrections or criticim <3)

"Hey, how about going there for dinner? The reviews are really good!"

"Hm..."

They sat in the _Alfred Café Melrose Place_ , in the outside area which was equipped with simple white garden chairs and tables, black-white striped brollies and marquees - the classical design of that café chain. Drinking a Chagaccino - a cappuccino with vanilla, cocoa, cinnamon, monk's fruit and the chaga mushroom as base (Iwaizumi) - and a Pink drink - a mixture of strawberries, pomegranate, beetroot, vanilla and cinnamon (Daniel) - to relax from the flight and the hasty travel to the hotel.  
Enjoying one of the city's favourite places.

"Can you look up, whether we can book a table online?"

"Sure."

Iwaizumi had already held his mobile in the hand, so he switched quickly from one social media page to the web browser. Searching for the restaurant _Crossroads_ , which Daniel had written down in his notebook and asked for research.

"Why don't you use the memo app? Wouldn't it be much easier?" the Japanese young man wondered with a glance at the black, leathern book, which was owned by his boyfriend, and had every single information and inspiration for their couple trip inside.  
Small yellow and orange bookmarks stuck out, the pages themselves were written in the neat, clear handwriting he was used from the markings of the homework they had to submit recently. There was no mistake, that Daniel was working as a tutor and had his experiences - structure in his notes, carefulness when using coloured pens and even an index... Iwaizumi had to smirk a bit.

"I'm just old-fashioned," Daniel admitted, grinning, "the phone can be stolen or can break. Okay, which could also happen to the notebook, but the chance is pretty rare, don't you think so?"

He had to agree.

Finally, the website loaded - the Wi-Fi connection of the café was not the fastest - and Iwaizumi turned his phone around, so that they could huddle together. 

"That's it! What do you say?" the elder nodded and seemed to be simply enthusiastic about his choice, "The chefs are unique and so are their dishes! It's one of the few restaurants which got totally into vegetarian and vegan food and live it in a really creative way!"

"Hm..." Iwaizumi scanned the menu... and the prices... "Sounds pretty extravagant..."

"Who cares. We're on vacation. It's not that we can enjoy these stuff every day? Come on?"

His eyebrows narrowed, when Daniel talked back. One of the few things, they did not get along with and which had led to some discussions before, was that Daniel's wealth was not the same as Iwaizumi's. The student was able to survive with the money he earned at work and with the financial support his parents transferred on his bank account from Japan each month, but that did not mean he was able to live it up.  
Actually, it had not even been a reasonable decision to travel to LA at all. This month's costs were already exploding because he needed to pay more due to the exams and therefore the pay-by-credit-sytem. On the other side, of course he had wanted to spend time with his boyfriend. Doing something special. Leaving the daily routine.   
  
Another topic they could not disagree more was food...  
Daniel loved western dishes, especially seafood. He tended to be excited about modern cooking techniques and ingredients, such as molecular gastronomy and was never tired to find a new restaurant among the US where he would like to go someday, testing that fucking crazy stuff.  
Maybe it was not so crazy for other people, too, but Iwaizumi preferred the traditional Japanese way to cook. He neither needed experimental dishes, nor caramelised flowers on his plate, arranged to some architectural mini-mockups, whereas Daniel complimented the chefs for such creativity and posted his treasure hunt on instagram.  
He told Iwaizumi once, this kind of cooking was expanding to a lot of countries. In his home country, in the bigger cities, modern cooking had become more and more popular. Sometimes, the Japanese young man thought, that this popular shit was something, Daniel wanted to be like that, too: Popular among his fellows.  
  
Iwaizumi scrunched his nose.  
  
"Okay, I see, well... then let's look for something else..."

To be added: he sounded disappointed each time, he could not have it his way.  
That really upset Iwaizumi the most, because it reminded him of Oikawa's airs and graces.

_If something didn't follow his nose - he became a sulking boy._

_If someone criticized him - sulking as well._

Daniel was not that extreme, to be honest, and the reason for his reaction was totally different from his old best friend's - at least that was, what Iwaizumi wanted to belive in - but the reaction was the same and that was all, which was needed, to relent: He did not really want to discuss such stuff or let them escalate anymore. Not again.

"We can go," he therefore replied and put his phone back into his pocket, "no problem. But I can't book. So, first comes-"

"No, it's okay. I should have known that it's not your thing. We had discussed this. I'm sorry. Let's just look for something else, okay?"

"Really, it _is_ okay."

They stared each other in the eyes but neither Iwaizumi nor Daniel wanted to give up.

Daniel sighed silently, broke the eye-contact and took his glass. Swiveling the pinkish fluid, he nipped from it and glanced to the street in front of them.  
A lot of Americans and tourists strolled around, cheerfully, blabbering, enjoying their time together, shopping, ... fuck... that only causes him to be more sullen.  
He had not wanted to fight over stupid things like that. But maybe it was not only the restaurant shit which triggered...

"If... you didn't feel like it, you could just have said so. The trip, I mean" Daniel gave voice about his concern eventually, and that snapped Iwaizumi's patience fully:

"Dan, if I didn't want to, I'd have said it, okay? You think, I have not balls?"

"No, but I've got the feeling, that you aren't _with me_. With your _mind_ ," the tutor talked back, still calm, blinked at his boyfriend, a little hurt, "I'm talking to you and you kept watching your mobile. So... something's going on, that's also of my interest? Something so important to act like a _Smombie_?"

"A what?"

"Mobile addicted, being unaware of everything else around you."

Iwaizumi's eyes widened of surprise. He had not noticed at all.  
But yeah... even now his hand hovered over the device in his pocket.

"You didn't even notice it," Daniel almost smiled bitterly, "'still pondering on what could have been?"

"Bullshit, I don't" Iwaizumi burst upset, rested his hands demonstratively on the table surface now, as if he had been caught while doing something inappropriate.

"Then explain to me, what's the damn problem!"

"Dan, I'm sorry that I was stuck to the phone, okay? Yeah, I didn't notice! But... do I have to justify myself right now?"

Just now, they had a fight.  
Just right here.  
During their short trip, a vacation meant only for them.  
Only the two of them, enjoying their rare free-time.  
  
_Screw that._  
  


"Maybe, if it is about that _Toru_ guy?"

His eyebrows twitched dangerously but Daniel mistook this as an evidence that he was right about it. Giving a "tsk" with a cluck of his tongue, he looked away.

"Really? Are you jealous?" Iwaizumi snarled, getting more and more furious, because his boyfriend stepped on life-crucial territory he had never invited him to.  
There was not much that could disturb him like that, but being approached on the O topic was an absolute no-go area.

"Should I?" Daniel returned with a false, naive attitude. 

They stared at each other again, stayed silent once more, for a few seconds.

  
Iwaizumi's heart started racing. He felt unwell, his body got him into stress modus, ready for the escape - adrenaline was pumping through his veins.  
Heat caught him, crawled up to his cheeks and his hands went cold instead, shivering, because of the tension which had risen and was lingering around them.

"This is nuts!" he laughed overwhelmed by the sudden change of events, shook his head and got up abruptly.  
The chair scraped the asphalt noisily. There was so much spunk in Iwaizumi's movements that it almost fell over.

"Pardon me?"

"You heard it."  
  


He grabbed his shoulder bag, threw it on and took his hoodie which still was hanging over the back of his chair.

  
"Where do you wanna go?" Daniel jumped, too.

"Get some fresh air. _Alone_!" Iwaizumi emphasized. The drinks were on him, anyway.

  
Daniel just stared after him, peered into distance. Disbelief.  
But for the moment he was just too proud, too stubborn, that he could have stopped his boyfriend, rushing off.  
Sitting down again, he ran his fingers through his brown curly hair and muttered something to himself...

*****

In the meantime, Iwaizumi had already walked a few meters. He had left the café behind, turned right on _Melrose Ave_ which revealed as a shopping area, where a lot of people were carrying full bags, coming his way. Still, that loud surrounding and the noisy people were better than sitting with Daniel in that joint...

He needed silence, needed to be alone. Needed air to breathe.

Needed...

_Pling_.

Irritated, Iwaizumi took the mobile out of his pocket, when the messenger notification distracted him from his dark thoughts.  
Who the fuck would write to him now?

He deactivated the lock screen, looked at the pop-up message and... If he had felt like suffering from tachycardia, he almost suffered from asystoles, right now.

_  
Impossible... that couldn't be..._

_Tooru_0720 sent a message._

Swallowing the imaginary big lump in his throat, Iwaizumi stared down at the message. It did not disappear.  
It was real. He really had...  
  


_Shit... why?_

  
Why was this idiot writing now?  
Why did he write in general?  
But mostly: why of all times... _now_?

  
That jerk had always been talented in showing up at the right time.  
Whether it was about volleyball or in private. One could think of him, whatever one wanted but... he was always _considerate_...  
Oikawa, who just held an umbrella over the wet drenched Iwaizumi, because they ran across each other by accident at the conbini, close to their houses.  
Oikawa, how had dialled Iwaizumi's number because he had _felt_ that something was wrong - and Seijoh's former ace just had got into a bicycle accident and was discharged by the ER when his best friend called...   
  
Situations like that.

However, they were not only separated by thousands of kilometers by now, but also because of the fact that they had not had any contact for over a year.  
They were not friends anymore.  
Not even accquaintanced.  
Iwaizumi had told him to fuck off, so what was that stupid attempt of his about?

... Should he read it?

  
Iwaizumi was much more curious than being reasonable - and his present emotional state needed some distraction of the emotions, which kept twirling inside his body.  
Or... maybe he needed some kind of approval? For something... his subconsciousness tried to tell him? The reason, why he had been a _Smombie_ since... they have arrived? Even earlier? 

With shaky fingers Iwaizumi opened the app, pressed a button in the right, upper corner - the triangle symbol for direct messages.  
Inhaling once, he confirmed the bold line, where Oikawa's profile picture was shown.

_  
  
Hey... I noticed, you watched my stories.  
I know that's strange, but how are you?  
_

  
  
Iwaizumi's eyebrows narrowed. Watching his stories...? How...? Stop... fuck... no!!  
Of course!! The author of that shit could look up, who clicked the content.  
Fuck, he didn't know his arse from the elbow!

If there had been a wall next to him, he would have hit his head hardly, without hesitation.  
So stupid... so really, really stupid!

What should he do?  
The message was already marked as _read_.  
The green dot also explained, that Oikawa was online.

_Fuck.  
  
_

And why did his pulse want to run a marathon, now?  
Just out of knowledge that they were using the same app at the same time?  
How fucking crackbrained was that?  
How fucked was _he_?

  
Iwaizumi bit his lower lip and tried to phrase a reply:  
Should he pass the responsibility to a friend? That someone snatched his phone away?  
No, that still did not explain, why he went straight to Oikawa's profile.  
  
Be honest.  
  


_Yeah, fellow students found out that we had played on the same team.  
They were curious, and we looked through your posts.  
I'm fine. Busy._

He sent it and closed the application. Fortunately, he had not uploaded any photos of LA, yet.  
That would not fit the term _busy_ at all and... to be added... gave rise to questions?

 _  
Pling_.

  
Exhaling he looked at the next notification.

 _  
You get marked_.

  
So he reopened the software and noticed, that he was marked indeed in one's photos, which showed up behind the grid symbol in his profile.  
He did not know much about that stuff and should read through the settings in the evening, so that he could not be any idiot's mark target... But in that case, it had been Daniel. His lips formed a thin line, looking at the photo.  
When they had arrived at the hotel, had checked-in and taken the first picture. Grinning to the camera, a bit tired from the flight.  
  


„ _Auf einen kurzen Wochenendtrip mit meinem Freund!  
Wir werden es uns in LA gutgehen lassen!"_

  
Iwaizumi had to press _translate_ , because Daniel had written in German.  
The feeling of guilt started to grow. 

_  
Pling_.

  
Another message of Oikawa.

 _  
Don't stress yourself! :-)  
But as I see, you're doing a wellness trip to Los Angeles?  
Have fun!  
  
  
_Fuck.

_Fuck, fuck, fuck._

  
No, stop!  
  
Why should he be bothered?  
Whatever, there was no problem in letting Oikawa know, that he was with Daniel!

Alright! Don't justify!

Iwaizumi's fingers typed thoughtfully a new reply:

 _  
Yes, that was spontaneous. Thanks.  
_ _I will._

  
He corrected:  
  


_Yes, that was spontaneous. Thanks.  
We will.  
And just don't stress yourself, too!  
_

  
Sent. Stop again! ... That sounded pretty harsh, right?  
How to edit? Withdraw? Something?? Anything???   
  
Argh... too late... he had read it.

Iwaizumi sighed. Now he stopped, after passing various shops and had a rest at the white bench, which was set right across a boutique for elegant and expensive fashion. Shutting out is surrounding completely, he kept staring at the screen when _Tooru_0720 writes...  
  
_His heart kept fluttering. What the hell was he doing here?  
He should throw the phone back in his backpack, should get up and return to Daniel. Talk with him. Make up.  
They had fought over such a stupid thing... he should not be offended by now. Just... return and talk things out.  
  
The message, Oikawa was writing, was interrupted.  
Instead, _Tooru_0729 records a voice message..._

_  
What?!_

His hands tightened around the device. Half a minute passed until he received the message.   
He held the phone on his ear, but somehow it did not work. Looking on the screen, swaying, he held it impatiently in front of him and activated the play button, pushing the loudspeaker to its limit on the side of the phone.  
  


_"Greetings from sunny Argentina. Eh... okay, that's somehow strange, ha ha... You don't have to reply to, of course, but... well... dunno. I was surprised when I got the notification that you're still active here and somehow... well... If it's okay for you... I'd be happy if we could get into contact more... again... ... Arrgh... I'm not good with stuff like that!! Anyway, I was really happy to read your words and eh... congratulations, the relationship, I mean?!"  
_

_„Con quién tú éstas hablando, Toto?"  
  
„Eh?! _ _Ah! No no!"_

„ _Amigo de Japón?_

„ _Sí!"_

  
The message ended... Iwaizumi stared into space, even seconds after.  
And he felt the extreme yearning for listening again. Listen to the voice.  
Oikawa's voice.

The one's he wanted to forget about.

Funny, how he managed to deal so greatly in his daily life, not caring about Oikawa at all. And now, it only took a messgae of 56 seconds... and everything rolled over him again, hit him like an avalance. Like a giant wave of the ocean, a fucking seven meter tsunami, which crushed on the breakers. But he was not the tower of strength there...

His stomach started to rumble, to hurt, to pull every anatomical structure of his body together and released a tornado of emotions he could not name at the moment. 

Iwaizumi swallowed hard.

_Fuck... fuck, fuck, fuck!!_

He tried to press _Play_ again, but it did not work. 

_Fuck_!

Clapping the other hand over his mouth, he felt how shaky his breath was. His shaky fingertips. His unsteady heartbeat. Vertigo which caught him. Anxiousness.

Why was that?

It was just a fucking ridiculous voice message from Oikawa.

Still...

Still, this was...

Iwaizumi pondered but could not think straight at all.  
Tried to get his shit togetehr, but could not.  
And as if being in trance, his thumb confirmed the _record_ button.  
Catching a breath, he glanced over, watching the shop and his annoying fancy-schmancy customers with their fucking expensive clothes and the also fucking expensive looking gift bags. The far too skinny mannequins, staged perfectly in the shop window, which saw the happy shoppers off, telling them _See you next time_ with their elegant poses.

"Thanks... for your message. It's always somehow skewed, isn't it." And his own voice was shaky, too. Shit. "... I was surprised, too, reading from you and ... hearing your words. That... eh..." Break. What to say? What to reply? "... That was unusual. Also thanks for congratulating. It's been only a few weeks." Staying mute again for a while, he did not notice that he reached the limit of the app's record ability. "Regarding your-"  
  
_Pling_.

Irritated, he looked at his display. Finished? He was not finished!  
Giving an upset growl, he sent the audio file but started with a new one immediately, now a bit more self-confident in speaking, "Regarding your question... I don't know... really... please, give me some time to think about it, okay?"

Because he _really_ did not know.  
  
Of course, on the one hand he wanted to stay in contact. By all means.  
Wanted so much to talk to Oikawa, laugh with him... everything.  
Wanted to take the chance, which had been revealed thanks to opening that unknown door by accident, right in front of him.  
Wanted to repair the red thread which had been torn.  
But... the guilt, the pain from the past... both told him that they did not stand in line with each other anymore.

He was not the hopeless love drunk idiot, who ran after Oikawa, always trying to catch up to him.  
He had his life in America, Oikawa had his own in Argentina.  
And up until now everything had been good, right?

But... why was it, that he felt like it was _not_?  
  
A piece in a puzzle which was missing. It did not matter how often you turn things upside down. Someday, you just put the whole puzzle aside and some other day you would stumble across once more... remembering that this fucking little piece of shit was the reason why you could not find satisfaction in the result. This fucking little missing piece, which ruined the whole motif.

Iwaizumi lowered the phone, got it directly into mute modus and stored it away in his backpack.  
He needed time... 

Did he really want to look for this puzzle piece?  
Topsy-turvy everything and throw his built-up present into turmoil?  
Again?  
Risking to precipitate into ruin?  
His patched up heart?  
His relationship?  
  


*** * ***

When he got back to the hotel room, early evening... Daniel had not returned, yet.  
Iwaizumi threw the key in the small metal bowl on the drawer, next to the entrance, and went straightly to the bathroom, to wash his hands.  
Using the foam soap, which was displayed in a shell shaped dispenser, he looked up, into the mirror and sighed.  
His reflection offered him the image of a young and pale man, who had seen a ghost...  
Well, somehow... that had been the case, right?  
Even if it was only an _online ghost_...

Suddenly he heard the lockpicking. The entrance door opened.  
Before Daniel's voice could fill the apartment, Iwaizumi stepped to the corridor and looked at his boyfriend.  
The elder stared back at him, blankely. He held a small colourful bouquet in his left hand. Under his arm, he carried a bottle of sparkling wine or some other type of alcohol.

"Well, I wanted to surprise you," Daniel said with an apologetical smile, "as an apology that I act like an asshole. Even though I know, that-"

He could not finish the sentence. Iwaizumi shook his head briefly, grabbed the other on the collar of his t-shirt and pressed his lips against Daniel's. His boyfriend panted in surprise, but let himself be drowned into a long and passionate kiss, which evolved to a boisterous dance of their tongues.  
The student directed him into the bedroom space, right to the bed itself.  
  
Daniel only managed to put the bouquet on the drawer and the bottle aside, when they passed the small table with two armchairs, stumbling across the room.  
In the next moment he was already pushed down on the soft mattress by his shoulders and had Iwaizumi kneeling over him.

" _I_ acted like the asshole here," he said quietly and looked at the man under him with a stern expression in his eyes,  
"I... You... You were right. With everything."

Daniel did not respond, but only watched his lover carefully. Tried to read in his dark green eyes - something must have happened in the meanwhile. He was able to sense some pain. Nothing physical, more the emotional way.

"That... isn't important anymore. I want to be with you, Dan. And I... I don't want to fight with you for the next two days."

"Neither want I..."

***  
  
**

They had had sex in many variations before - rough, for Daniel's liking but also with a preferred tendency of Iwaizumi - soft and caring, if nobody of them wanted to exercise too much - and every time, his mind and senses got absorbed by his boyfriend. The almost perfect 28-year-old, who was showing him that a relationship was more than just having fun together. That it meant to go through tough times. Being _mature_. Talk things out. Taking responsibility. By apologizing, even if you are not the one who had done something wrong. Just... because there was more about it.  
More than being proud and stubborn.   
That was one of the main reasons Iwaizumi could trust him. There was always a solution.  
And that trust had always let himself go. Let him enjoy the intimacy they had been sharing.

Why did it not work now?

Although, he had never had such problems before... His heart and mind rode a roller coaster, he lost his focus and when Daniel's walls tightened around him, stimulating him in a - usually - very pleasant way, it was not enough.  
Iwaizumi panted and let out a deep moan of rewarding pain as his lover's nails scratched over his waist, clung on him and came off.  
He could not do it likewise.

 _Fuck...  
_  
Daniel's hands loosen a bit, heavy breaths came out of his throat and Iwaizumi took the opportunity to pull out, lowering the brunette's still lightly jerking hips on the mattress. He rolled over, to the edge of the bed and straightened himself up.  
Removing the used but still unfilled condom, Iwaizumi knotted it together and got up to throw it into the bin.

"I'll take a shower," he announced, bent down to his boyfriend one more time and kissing the crook of his neck.  
Unaware, that he left with a wistful expression in his face. Also unaware of the fact, that Daniel gazed after him, preoccupied.

*****

Iwaizumi switched on the shower valve, fixed the temperature and let the warm stream trickle down his body. The beads of water moistened his shoulders, chest and back. Running further, to his crotch which was still hot and tensed.  
His whole body was burning, was held on the edge and fuck ... that boner hurt!  
Although he had wanted it! He _so_ had wanted it!  
...  
Certainly because his head was in a haze.  
Because of Oikawa's messages.  
... His voice...

Iwaizumi swallowed hard. He leant his forehead and his hands on the wet tiles in front of him and sighed quietly.  
Feeling the water, which was tingling on his neck and shoulders, the image of Oikawa, scratching delightfully Iwaizumi's shoulder blades, reappeared with a soft fade-in. The harmonic track of Oikawa's voice was played, too. Almost the same tune like the little sigh he let escape while recording the voice message today, but filled with pure lust in the past, echoing over and over.  
The blissful and sweet " _Iwa-chan~"s_ and the - eventually, the even more aroused - " _Hajime"_ ...

Iwaizumi's right hand slid down the wall, come off it and rested calmly on his abs. Slid down further.  
Breathing heavily, he held his eyes closed. Did not want to let go of the pictures.

 _"Iwa-chan~ I wanna do you!_ _"  
"W-What?!"  
"Mhm~"_  
_"O-Oikaw- aah!"_

That moment when Oikawa's lips closed around him. Put _him_ deeply into his mouth. Teasing him more than once with his tongue, while licking almost naively over the head and the backside of the shaft. Looking him seductively in the eye - these memories came back. The feeling... Iwaizumi could not forget. Never forget, how Oikawa had kneeled between his legs.

His hand moved in circular ways like his head told him to. Like Oikawa did.  
Rubbed faster over his hot and hard cock, massaged it in the same way his former best friend had done.  
It had felt so good, having his tongue on it.

"... Ahh..." Iwaizumi threw his head back.

Oikawa, who had looked up to him, slightly anxious but with an expression of pure love. Of curiousity. One of his most beautiful smiles, while he had given him a fucking blow-job.

_  
"I want you so much, Iwa-chan... Hajime... I want you... I want to feel you..."_

The sober experience of feeling Oikawa so close. How their bodies rubbed against each other, getting them hot and high.  
Oikawa's moans, directly flowing into his ear: " _Ahh... oh god... mhmm... ahh.... T-There... Ahh! H-Hajime!!!"_

"... T-Tooru... ahh..."

Iwaizumi moaned his name passionately, pleasuring himself with ease now and just be driven by the memory of watching Oikawa coming, how they had come together - ... erupted. His legs got shaky, his vision blurred for a moment. The white, sticky fluid squirted on the tiles, lingering there only for a few seconds, then sluiced down by the water jet.

_Traces, which will be erased. Eliminated._

But it did not matter how often he tried... these lost traces would always haunt him, would catch up to him.  
That was something he finally understood...  
Because there had never been a real final stroke.

Iwaizumi panted, lowered his head, seeing the mess, which went down the sink, and squinted his eyes.

"Fuck..."

He was still addicted to Oikawa.  
This will never change.  
  
Daniel had not been wrong about this either:  
  
He loved Tooru.  
He loved him so much, that it almost ripped his heart apart.

Again.

**  
***

  
Iwaizumi stayed a few more minutes in the shower, trying to clear his head, before he stepped out. To calm down. Relax.  
Tightened the towl around his hips, he opened the door was immediately facing cool air. Getting goosebumps, he flinched and went to his suitcase, still unpacked. Opening the big blue aluminium case, he looked quickly through the clothes and grabbed a shirt and shorts. He did not care that Daniel watched him with an amused look on his face: He was laying comfortably under the warm blanket, after he had wiped off the rest of climax' result of his stomach with some tissues, while Iwaizumi had his shower.

"Cooled down?" he asked with a put on smile.

"Yeah."

"Okay... I'll be back in a minute. Then we crack open the bottle" the brunette said, swung his legs out of bed and walked to the bathroom.

"Okay" Iwaizumi returned his suggestion with a smile. 

  
_Grin and bear it._

  
Because he had not been that quiet at all.  
Daniel heard it well enough.  
That his lover pulled it, because he did not come with him.  
That he moaned Oikawa's - no, _Tooru's_ \- name more than once.  
Multiple times he had not count.  
And that these moans were characterized by more passion than he had ever heard of him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> „Auf einen kurzen Wochenendtrip mit meinem Freund!  
> Wir werden es uns in LA gutgehen lassen!"
> 
> Translation:
> 
> "On a short trip with my boyfriend.  
> We'll have a good time in LA!"


	7. Break

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alcohol is one thing, drugs are the others.  
> The trip and therefore their relationship go worse.  
> Really, really worse.  
> For Daniel, Oikawa is the one to blame.  
> For Hajime, Oikawa is the one he needs.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW || include drugs, violence and abuse

"Everything's alright?"

"Yeah, sure."

 _You don't sound like it! -_ he wanted to throw back, but swallowed his words down. They had agreed, that they would not fight during their trip, anymore.  
But it nagged him, that his boyfriend did not reveal the reason for his bad mood. Did not talk about it.  
Because he also did not want to open the box of Pandora? Did not want to discuss again?

Everything seemed to be okay again... Iwaizumi had been sitting on the bed, waiting, while Daniel was off for some shower. Afterwards, they cracked the bubbly.  
He had chewed the fat with Daniel. They had laughed. A cosy, comfortable atmosphere - as it should be.

But this morning... the elder acted distanced, highly reserved. There was a strong disapproval in Daniel's eyes, whenever Iwaizumi grabbed his phone. It did not matter if he wanted to take pictures or if looked something up on Google. If he checked the time or their travel route.  
The phone was Daniel's personal red rag to him.

At first Iwaizumi did not want to let himself be irritated by that, went with Daniel to the hotel's dining area for breakfast and left the building to start their sightseeing trip to Hollywood Hills. A panoramic view, which let them enjoy L.A. from the top of the hills, watching the ocean far away and making some guesses where Irvine and other places were located from here. Right after the informative and enlightening hike in a small group with the local guide, they decided to take the bus back to the valley and then heading to the _Santa Monica Pier._

The two united landings were popular among the UCLA students, as Daniel told him, and indeed a lot of young adults romped about the beach, the stalls and in the small amusement park, which was also located here.

They stopped at _The Albright,_ which was well known for its sea food menus - of course something, which Daniel loved. As a make up —  for whatever reason —  Iwaizumi got roped into eating there and he had to admit, that the fried oysters with parmesan and garlic butter was not so bad as it sounded to him.  
Continuing their adventure at _Pacific Park_ \- They both had not visited an amusement park for a very long time. Hence, it was a welcome change of their activities so far. Because of the dinner they just had, they skipped the roller coaster but stood in the queue for a ride on the _Pacific Wheel_ , the only solar-powered ferris wheel in the world. Soaring to the sky in 40 meters height, sitting in the colourful, opened passenger cares, the two men were right under the spell of the glistening waves of the sunset reflected ocean.  
But instead of watching that beautiful sunset, Daniel had watched his beautiful boy friend for a longer moment, got his attention with a quiet "Hey", straightened up and kissed him. Soft and caring. Romantically.  
"A Hollywood-style kiss, right next to Hollywood," he muttered and cracked a smile on Iwaizumi's lips.

Finally, they went to the beach, enjoying the warm sand under their bare feet and let the day come to an end. Calming down.

However, although they talked so freely, took selfies, kissed each other and were amused about the somehow ridiculous souvenirs and tourist traps, Iwaizumi could not get rid of the heaviness inside his core which caused his stomach to rumble slightly.  
But as it was mentioned before: If his boyfriend did not want to talk... what was he about to do?  
He knew Daniel well enough, now, that he would not agree to that discussion if he had no nerves. And he really had none.  
The elder tried his best to brush his grief under the carpet.

They returned to the hotel, having a break, get refreshed and changed.  
It had been Daniel's idea to visit at least once one of the city's hottest clubs. Usually it should be that the younger one of a couple would be crazy about that, but here the roles were simply changed: Iwaizumi liked to spend time with his friends —  but not at parties or in the club. Bad experiences in the past. At least, most of them. (There were some exceptions, because he would not have been with Daniel here in L.A. if he had not been in that one club in Irvine, right?)  
On the other hand he had not to right to object at all: his boyfriend had waited for him minutes, no, a whole 30-minute-period, on the Walk of Fame. Because Iwaizumi could not get enough of the Godzilla star, had to take several photos and was proud like a little boy, grinning from one ear to the other. And Daniel had promised that he would come back with him again, when it was Godzilla Day. Therefore, the Kaijuu lover did not have any right to refuse.

*****

The 1 OAK LA, West Hollywood, Sunset Boulevard was a location with timeless design, love for details regarding the interior, illumination and panelling. The club's trademarks to get the right atmosphere. Something one will never be tired of. That went for the choice of music, too, varying between the Top 40 and Hip Hop, depending on the current DJ in charge.  
The location was so famous that even stars like Jay-Z, Rihanna or Jared Leto had been spotted as guests.  
 _"For Christssake, no sportswear!"_ Iwaizumi still had the upset tutor's voice in his head, when they had been talking in Irvine beforehand, what to pack and to bring with for the trip. " _Dress to impress. That's the dress code."  
_ The young Japanese had given a snort and then decided for one of his three collared shirts he had brought to California. _The Job Hunting Shirts_ as his mother had called them.  
Well... he was somehow glad he had listened to her.  
Jeans were okay, but it had to be dress shoes. Exhausting. He was just the sporty type. Even in his school days he had changed the school shoes for his trainers...

When he was eventually standing in the queue for entrance with the brunette, he glanced quickly to him.  
Daniel had adorned himself in a tight white collared shirt, whose first button was appealing loosened. A respectable black jacket and light coloured pants which he combined with his dark brown leather footwear. His hair was combed a bit neater than usual. His whole appearance resembled _perfection_.  
Iwaizumi himself wore the black shirt, rolled up sleeves to the elbows, carrying his jacket over his arm and put on his tight black jeans, combined with black dress shoes.  
And then he looked around carefully... the other guests were quite the same: stalked, dressed up to the nines, faked.  
The club was one of the most important in L.A. and therefore the wheat got separated from the chaff right at the door by the bouncers.  
But in their disguise (at least he felt like wearing one) and thanks to a folded paper, Daniel took out of his pocket, it was no problem.  
Iwaizumi lifted his eyebrows. A guest list?

Just after they passed the tall and musculous man, stepping inside, his own mood lifted, too. Iwaizumi was filled with wonder as he let his eyes wonder. The double swing door from lead to the big main hall. In fixed intervals simple light bulbed chandeliers were hanging from the ceiling with their strong iron chains. On the ceiling margins lined up LED light chains were to be seen, which gave the room more depth and structure. In the middle of the hall was the dance floor, framed by six seating areas —  three on each side —  furnished with saffron-yellow leather benched in a U shape and round tables. In the back of the hall, the bar was placed. Glassy shelves were holding the expensive alcohol bottles.  
Right in front of them a staircase led to the first floor, containing more seating areas and a view like being in the loge of a theatre.  
Dance music was played in a for a club uncommon comfortable volume.

Although Iwaizumi and Daniel had entered the club pretty early —  just half an hour after opening —  the hall was already busy. People laughed, cheered to each other and had fun of playing the high society they just were not at day. All in all it was something else entirely than the club visits with his friends.

His eyes wandered once more, while he was following Daniel to the bar.  
Supporting himself with his arms on the counter, the brunette waited for the attention of the barman and glanced to his boyfriend,  
"Scotch, it is?"

"Yeah, sure."

Turning around to the barman again, he ordered two _Johnnie Walker Blue Label_ and turned to the main hall centre. A satisfied grin showed up as he was scanning the area.  
"It's something different, being part of such a community, huh? Maybe we can even spot some A-list stars." You would not think of it but if it was about VIPs, Daniel was as easily to get excited as Iwaizumi was with Godzilla, "And if we don't, we still will have a lot of fun."

The younger man nodded, gave his boyfriend a longer, awaiting look,

"Did you book beforehand? The paper..."

"Yup," the tutor confirmed and looked for something in the inner pocket of his jacket, "Else you won't have access so easily. Especially on a Saturday night. I have put us on the guest list, while we were still ar home. Ah, there it is!"

He took out a small, transparent plastic bag. Irritated, Iwaizumi stared at it. In the dimmed light was it difficult to make out the content? Suddenly clinging glasses on the marble counter sounded and the deep tenor of the barnman let them know that their drinks were ready.

"Thanks" Daniel answered with a smile, paid with twenty dollars and reached over to hand one of the glasses to Iwaizumi, who thanked him but focused on the elder again.

Opening the bag, he put in a part of white powder into his scotch, closed the bag carefully again and put it back in his pocket. Now he began swirling the glass in his hand.

"Wanna have some, too?" he asked nonchalantly.

Iwaizumi stared at him in disbelief.  
That could not be...

"Dan, what-"

"Keep cool, it's just a soft stimulant" Daniel cut him off with a relaxed undertone.  
The powder started to dissolve in the fluid slowly.

Keep cool? _Just a stimulant?_

That was a lot!  
Drugs had always been a lot.

"Fuck, Daniel! Are you serious?"  
Iwaizumi's fingers clenched round the glass and the California tanned knuckles went white. From his throat erupted an upset gnarl.

"What?" The aforementioned seemed to be unaffected, did not make a grimace, and looked the golden brown drink which was totally clear again. No sign of an illegal powder to be seen. "If you think of someone else, while fucking me, I can lift up my mood, too, right? Only amphetamines. Don't chicken out."

That hit him.

For a second Iwaizumi was a loss of words.

When... How did he know that...? Had he been so obvious? Until yesterday he had never...?

But before he could react to that provocative phrase or take away the toxic scotch from Daniel, the ladder had taken the chance of speechlessness and downed the scotch plus speed.

Unbelievable...

"So... Shall we dance?"

To make everything less terrifying, because Iwaizumi still was not sure if this had happened for real or was just his imagination, he downed his own walker and was dragged by his boyfriend to the dance floor in an instant. _No back talk!_

*****

One of the topics they were lectured in their studies of sports science was _doping_.  
Especially among pro athletics it was not so rare to take drugs to improve your performance. Amphetamines, anabolic steroids and erythropoietin were some of the substances, which Iwaizumi could remember.  
A lot of sportsmen had been under false accusation or being suspected correctly, and there was not always a medical indication for taking those.  
But now... that was something else...  
Speed as a powder was also used for performance improvement but it was more the cheap way of drug. The more terrifying it was for him, that his own boyfriend consumed these.  
Questions plopped in his head. _Did this happen only now? Has he been taking those longer? What else... did he keep from me?_

The drug's effect was not obvious at first. Daniel moved like everyone else, danced between all the other guests on the dancefloor. But within the next half an hour, his atmospheric picture changed dramatically. The drug started to take over his brain. He was less inhibited, his bad mood was gone, and he was much more aware of the people round him and seemed to be in need of making new friends. Getting in contact with others. Also, he wanted to be cheek by jowl with Iwaizumi, while they were dancing. Got closer, closer than he wanted to be in public. Then the effect's climax was reached, the 20-year-old preferred to leave the battleground and watched from the sidelines.  
He ordered something else to drink and sweared that only alcohol was served.  
After a nip of mild, sweet wine, he finally was able to breathe in and out again and walked determined to his party lion, who laughed and danced with two women —  one at his back, one at his front, wiggling her hips, pining him.  
Iwaizumi put a hand on Daniel's wrist and dragged him away from the chicks.

"Hey, don't be a party pooper," he was scolded by him, and the student let out an annoyed snort. He had not the patience for that.

But the next moment Daniel turned around to him, setting himself free from Iwaizumi and put his hand on whose hips. Whipping to the rhythm of the song, the tutor leaned in, speaking quietly —  almost inaudible —  and his fingers slid down further. Pressing his boyfriend against his own hot body but also gripping the ass in lust.

"Hajime" Daniel whispered in arousal which could be mistaken as a moan, "Let's run for a few minutes, hm? I'd really like to fuck you in one of these damn nice expensive loos."

Iwaizumi's patience snapped and he pushed him on the shoulders creating some distance between them.  
  


"Daniel, you're high! Fuck it... we'll leave! Now!"

He dragged him by the hand with him, and Daniel did not talk back at all. Strangely enough.  
He just laughed, waved at the two women who became witnesses of that little show between two gay men on the dancefloor.

*****

They returned to the hotel, the brunette still overly laughing. He had not only stopped once but also wanted to dance round a lantern. The receptionist in the entrance hall looked up, but did not find it very strange to see Daniel in such a state. Another drunken guy. Nothing more. No questions.  
He only granted Iwaizumi an empathic look, that he had to deal with this poor thing right now.

They reached their floor. Iwaizumi dragged him out of the elevator and having Daniel in one arm he fumbled with the keycard with the other and opened the door finally.  
Right the moment they were inside, Daniel fell on the bed, giggling, rolled over on his back and looked up to the ceiling as if he was dreaming.

"Go to the bath, take a shower," Iwaizumi ordered with a stern look and stood at the footboard, hands on his hips, "or should I do this for you, too?"

"Good idea," Daniel giggled and supported himself on the underarms, looking playful, "We haven't done it in the shower for a while now," he licked over his lips, dried out by the cool air outside.

"Geez... you're such a goddamn..." With a pissed gnarl Iwaizumi did not wait long, grabbed his arm and pulled him up with power, supported him, so he would not fall over all at once. Shoving Daniel to the toilet. "I wanted to spend a comfy evening with you, not helping you to get sober!"

"I'm more than sober!"

"Really, fuck you, Dan! You're not!"

Daniel stayed kept shtum about it, but his amused expression changed to a serious, dark one. And if Iwaizumi had just looked properly at him, just for a moment, and not being distracted by his own anger, he had noticed that his jugular was stressed, that his jaw muscles were tight and contracted. That his eyes narrowed and everything just waited for the big bang. When they stood in front of the bathroom door, it happened: Daniel braced himself against the door, stopping the motion. Braced himself against Iwaizumi and pushed him with his whole body weight against the frame. The younger one hissed because of the sudden dull pain in his shoulder blades, caused by the hard wood.  
"Fuck Daniel, got your act together!"

Although he was not someone who got scared so easily, most of all not because of his own boyfriend, Iwaizumi felt more than uncomfortable as he looked him in the eye —  emotionless. In his face —  emotionless. Downed anger which put its tight grip round him and let him explode like a volcano. Suddenly and all at once. One immense blast.  
His heart rate adjusted into stress mode, when his boyfriend hassled him, making it hard to breathe because his whole body was on him, his leg shoving between Iwaizumi's. He tried to fight him back against his chest, would have been able to, but it did not work. The more he wanted to push Daniel away, the more resistance he felt.  
Where did he get this power from? Most of all in the current condition? Feeling the dry lips on his neck, how they sucked on him —  ready to leave some red marks as a good remembrance —  and also feeling the hand which slid harshly under the hem of his shirt, Iwaizumi's eyebrows knitted and he tried at least to dodge the rough pair of lips.

"Stop it!" he barked, fighting.

"Wha?" Daniel did not bail, instead he put his fingers on the button line of Iwaizumi's black shirt and ripped it open in no time. Three bottons popped, enough so Daniel could continue biting in the crook of his boyfriend's neck, which made Iwaizumi hiss.

"You said that you wanted to spend a comfy evening together," the tutor muttered in lewd, "and I said I wanted to do you before."

" _Daniel_!!" the younger shouted sharply and louder as he felt the brunette's hands on his crotch.

Abruptly Daniel stopped to Iwaizumi's surprise but also relief. Stared at his furious dark green irides.  
He pressed the lips tightly, gritted his teeth.  
 _All his fault. All the fault of this fucking Toru_!  
" _Ach scheiße nochmal!_ " he sweared in his mother tongue, shuffled his weight against the other again and dragged him around in a fast turn, jostled him, so that he fell on his back on the bed. Shocked about this action he looked up.

The tutor did not move at first, looking down at his boyfriend. Once more with this emotionless face which was put on right after he overcame the first drill of frustration.

Side effects of the drug: aggressions, emotional dysbalance, strong sexual desire.

"Hajime... what should I do?" he swallowed and lifted the chin. He sounded like he wanted to scold a child or a student, "What should I... damn it! What should I do and think if I know, that you jerked off under the shower, moaning fucking Toru's name?" Iwaizumi's eyes widened. "Did you think, I won't notice?" Daniel read his thoughts and put on a undefined smile, "If having sex with me is too boring, you could just say so? Don't we talk about everything?"

"That has nothing-"

"Or are you still keen on him?" Daniel cut him off sharply, emphasising every single syllable with his anger. He did not want to hear explanations, because he was already sure about his suggestion.

"Dan, calm down-"

"Screw that! I won't fucking calm down!" he yelled at the 20-year-old and spit the words literally, "How should I do you that you finally get rid of him in your mind? Have you always imagined him when I fucked you? Have _you_ imagined him, when you sucked my dick?"

An unpleasant silence hovered over them. The air was thick and dry and none of them wanted to breathe. Iwaizumi almost believed that he could hear their breaths more intensely than ever. Also his racing heartbeat which caused him a rush of his blood in his ear.

Looking at each other in disbelief.

Iwaizumi did so, because Daniel went mad like that —  with or without drugs —  and because his own faux-pas under the shower had not been unnoticed.  
Daniel, because he could not believe that his mere thought really became reality. That the head of his boyfriend was filled with thoughts and feelings for Toru. Still...

"Come on... Tell me, how he did you" the elder said, dangerously quiet and too calm. No sign of anger in his voice, although he shivered a bit. "He was on top, right? Of course he was. You went crazy when I did. When someone tells you how it goes."

Loosen his belt, he tugged it in one longe stroke by the buckle with a quiet _Sssss_. Wrapping the long leather strip round his hand, he held the free end in his other hand. "Did it turn you on when I fucked you hard? When I wrecked you so you couldn't walk? Did Toru do the same? What should I do? I'll do it better!"

"Daniel, it's enough!!" Iwaizumi tensed and fight back more intensely. Shit... was that his voice that sounded so cracked? So scared?  
He straightened up, at least tried to, but Daniel bent down rapidly, pressed him on his side by the chest. Taking Iwaizumi's wrists, he tied them with the belt, multiple times. A little bit too tight. A slight demonstration what he was capable of.  
He bowed again, Iwaizumi could smell the warm and alcoholised shaky breath, hitting his cheek. The smell of whiskey which penetrated his nostrils. "Shall I tie you up? D'you want this?" Daniel mumbled in his ear, stroked over his cheek and snapped his chin up, "Shall I tie you to the bed, that you're absolutely helpless if I fuck you hard? Does this give you a hard-on?"

In his whole life he had never ever felt such disgust for a person before. Feeling sick. Not wanting him close to him.  
Iwaizumi fell out of his trance, finally. And when Daniel put his hands on his jeans, tried to open them with clumsy fingers, he took the chance because the pressure on his wrists got lost, too. Iwaizumi took his hands of the reckless tie-up, clenched it to a fist and rushed forward by instinct. Hit the other straightforward, so Daniel tumbled over. He could not catch his balance, bumped against the drawer and wiped off the metal coloured vase and the room telephone which fell on the floor as himself with a loud noise.  
Panting, he was subtly conscious. The positive effects of the drug were gone entirely and the side-effects took their toll on him.

Iwaizumi panted heavily, trying to calm down. Straightened up and stared at the other. No imminent danger anymore.

How could that have happened?  
And why... why... had he...  
"Fuck..."

He fell back on the bed, cupped his head with his hands.  
Felt how the silent shock got control. How he had to remind himself of breathing.

Such a goddamn shit...

*** * ***

The rest of their trip and the way home were a catastrophe. First, Daniel had an awful hangover. Second, this evening got him a shiner which hurt like fucking hell.  
He did not talk to his boyfriend more than necessary and the last day both of them simply spent alone.  
Not even an apologise. And that was the thing which pissed Iwaizumi mostly off.  
It was not to forgive anyway, what he did to him, but not even hearing these words of regret was the worst.

He had calmed down, but his senses stayed on alert mode. Daniel only needed to approach him one step too close, he dodged it and created distance. He could not help it. Nausea caught him every time he did not listen to his body signs. Abortion, you could call it, which stayed on high peek. He spent the last night on the couch, not in bed with him. But sleeping still was not possible at all.

When they sat in the train to Irvine —  it could not be avoided, because of seat reservations. But even crying kids would have been easier to endure than him.  
From the side, Iwaizumi noticed that Daniel's shiner still was swollen. Iwaizumi put on his headphones and began to listen to music. The whole journey.  
Over and over the same song. He did not even notice it, but he felt, like it was speaking the same what lingered in his heart, And so he just let him be embraced by this calming, comforting tunes. A feeling of understanding.

>> The pictures that you sent me they're still living in my phone  
I'll admit I like to see them, I'll admit I feel alone  
And all my friends keep asking why I'm not around It hurts to know you're happy, yeah, it hurts that you've moved on  
It's hard to hear your name when I haven't seen you in so long It's like we never happened, was it just a lie?  
If what we had was real, how could you be fine? 'Cause I'm not fine at all <<

  
Finally reaching their destination, they got off the train, left the platform with their luggage and... said good-bye to each other in the entrance hall. Just some short words. Nothing more. They separated like that. No look back.  
Daniel had mumbled something like having some chores to do. Iwaizumi had to leave for the student residance, back to the campus.

*

Silence. Safety. Nothing more was needed that he could let his guards down again, which had not been possible since the enraging events.  
After he had showered, he was laying on his bed, breathing more relaxed and took his phone... no messages.  
Daniel had not written to him until now, but he had not expected that either, to be honest.  
He opened the Instagram app, scrolled down. No news.  
He skipped to familiar profiles he had in his list and... his eyes widened.

Deleted.

The photo series, Daniel had uploaded of that weekend.  
Deleted. Everything.

He had to swallow.

Iwazumi was not so dumb that he would fall into hysteria, but... that still made him pondering.  
Was it because of an impulse, out of anger, or... was it the final cut, he did not want to reveal? Out of all Daniel, who kept being insisting on talking things out? Who disliked such teenager actions?  
"Break up via WhatsApp or a changed Facebook relationship state... that's the worst!"  
Had their relationship come to an end?  
But... if so... under the circumstances Iwaizumi could not reminisce at all. He would be more relieved. And that made it even more terrifying.  
Not the feeling of over but the thought that it was hopefully.  
Only giving the last evening a thought, he got goosebumps.  
That Daniel would be lost the plot. Wanted to force him to sleep with him. The rants about Oikawa...  
He ran the tip of his index finger over the spot of the crook of his neck, where still some bite marks were to be felt and seen. His eyes closed with flattering eyelids.

Come on. It's okay. He couldn't have done this shit!

  
And it was that kind of timing that Oikawa had once more, when a message plopped up, all of a sudden: 

Iwaizumi-kun, everything's alright?

"Shit..."

He hated it. That... perfect... timing. Like everytime.  
Back when, as he set the balls... the perfect toss... no reason to hesitate or did not trust in him. Iwaizumi blinked, rubbed his eyes with his thumb and index finger and breathed.  
Counted to four. Staying composed. Then, he was writing back slowly:

Why are you still awake? It's past 2 AM in Argentina.

  
Just a few seconds later:

Couldn't sleep. I wanted to know if your flight/ride by train (?) went safely.

  
Fuck.  
No caring.  
Not now.  
Not him.  
Please.

However, the tears dwelled up. Iwaizumi's vision blurred and he continued typing blindly:

Yeah, it was.  
About 2 hrs by train to LA.

The next message, also fucking aware:

Your trip... your bf deleted the photos?

So, Oikawa had noticed, too.  
Of course, he had.  
Did he scrolled Daniel's profile on purpose?  
Going on research?  
That was just the kind of guy he was.  
Shit.

  
Don't wanna talk about.

Iwaizumi deleted the line, corrected it:  
Maybe he didn't like them anymore.

Short break.

Iwa-chan, you're lying.

Iwaizumi's eyes widened.  
Iwa-chan... that familiar shitty nickname...  
His heart jumped, the end of his nerves in his cheeks began to tickle.  
But even when he blinked, the words were still there.

Sorry, slipped out. – Oikawa added. 

It's ok – Iwaizumi wrote back.

And he meant it. It was okay.  
At the moment it was comfort. Comfort he was more in need than he wanted to be.  
Because the solitude grabbed him. The homesickness. Because he could not call one of his friends in Irvine and say "Hey, didn't work out with that guy who I have to endure the whole semester as my tutor, at least. By the way, he takes drugs and wanted to rape me."  
Did not want to call them, because of his pride. Because of feeling ashamed.  
Why he was so stupid to give it a try. A relationship with his tutor. A relationship with someone who was far away in his personality from him. Who had other values. Other point of views.  
Why he had not left the club, when Daniel swallowed the powder.   
Why it had taken him so long to fight back properly.

  
I know I'm not the right guy for that but... if you wanna talk... >>

  
A number appeared on the next line.  
Oikawa's number.  
Without hesitation he saved it in his phone book.

How much had he fallen?

Usually, he would not have done this.  
Usually, he would have left a written Thank you and that was it.  
But... today was not usual.  
Everything... was not something Iwaizumi could deal with alone.   
The words, which had stabbed him in L.A. Stuff which started the storm inside him. The evening... 

He needed him.  
He needed Oikawa.

Iwaizumi changed to WhatsApp and tapped on a new chat.  
Scrolling through his list of contacts... here he was!  
Confirming Oikawa's profile, he tapped on calling directly.

The connection was built.  
It rang. Twice. Then some sound of rustling.  
He held his breath.  
His body ran hot, producing sweat. Excitement.  
Fuck... a bad idea. A really bad idea.

"E-Eh... I-Iwa-...izumi?"

Oikawa's voice which was caught by surprise. How he forced himself to call him by his full name.   
God... that... really was... Oikawa...  
His voice was high pitched. Like always when he was surprised.   
"Hello? Are you there... or... is the connection on loss?"

The setter got his grip together. Now he sounded much calmer and... somehow his tone was deeper than Iwaizumi had it in his memories. Comfortable, that he felt a warm shiver up his spine.  
He could imagine how Oikawa stood there with a puzzled look on his face, forgetting to breathe. How his shoulders were pulled forward and then suddenly straightened up, trying to find more words and so easily to be read as anxious. The insecurity he only showed in front of his real friends.  
A weak smile was formed on Iwaizumi's lips. Somehow... it was calming him. 

But fuck... that call also revealed him, that everything he built up over the past months —  here in Irvine —  colllapsed like a house of cards. The new beginning, which had not been one anyway. His lost try to go on and forget.  
The instable construct was broken and left behind the fragile pieces of a 20-year-old young man, who could only stumble now: "Sorry... Tooru... but... I... I need... I need my best friend..."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song: "Amnesia" by 5 Seconds to Summer.  
> I really like this piece of music because of the emotions which twirled inside of Iwaizumi, regarding the whole Oikawa issue.
> 
> The drug's effects can be shown up differently, of course. In that case it was combined with alcohol and a proper instable condition, Daniel had not talked about, yet.
> 
> The places which were visited were researched. If there are any main difference and incorrect description, I am really sorry.
> 
> ~ <3 Happy Birthday, Sarushi <3 ~


	8. Throwback

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The reason, standing in front of him. Hajime merely shook his head, his mouth corner lifted weakly and he blinked, avoiding his gaze. Everything he had tried to build up in Irvine, was so easily to shatter. His relationship a weak construction.
> 
> Yes, it had been reasonable, that Daniel was jealous:  
> Because for Hajime it had always been Oikawa Tooru.  
> Always.
> 
> But that was not the same with him.  
> For Oikawa Tooru it had always been only volleyball.  
> Always.

They talked once.  
They did not meet anymore.

It was just... strange.

For his friends it was really obvious, that Iwaizumi did not spend time with Daniel.  
He hung out with them during breaks. Totally. No sudden moment, where he would walked off with the tutor.  
None of those, he could not hide his sassy smirk which reflected his infatuation.  
Most of the time, he was grumpy, almost withdrawn into himself.  
  
Since the weekend in L.A.

But as much as they were worried about him, they did not want to broach the subject again.  
They tried once, right after the trip, but failed miserably as he had batten down the hatches.  
"Was nice" was all they could get out of him and then, their friend just changed the whole topic.

A sign, that he did not want to talk.  
Not yet.  
And this was to be respected.  
If he wanted, he could come to them every time.

And for Iwaizumi ... it was okay. He thanked his friends.  
Because they wanted to be there for him and would be, if he needed them.  
Because they gave him the time, he truly needed.

Because he did not have the feeling of being alone.  
At least... not mentally.

Particularly, as he did not talk with nobody about it.  
He did.

With Oikawa.

Since he returned to Irvine, they had been exchanging messages again and again. The had not made it to talking on the phone, because their schedules collide most of the time, but just the knowledge about someone's existence, four hours away in a different time zone, who was listening, who was encouraging you... who was distracting you...  
Someone, who he had tried to get rid of.

During daytime, he was attached to his phone. Ellen and the other exchanged aware looks.  
Once, his partner in study crime noticed, that he texted Oikawa and teased him like "An old flame never dies, eh?"  
Iwaizumi had been more than pissed of, hat barked at her, that it was none of her business, but... his heart had skipped its beat for a moment.  
  
Well... and the Daniel issue...

He did not have to feel guilty at all.

Two weeks already passed and although they did not talk about it during their short meet-up, they broke up - unsaid. So, deleting the photos had had a meaning.  
Spineless arsehole.

There was no better saying for the pain Iwaizumi had to keep going through.

  
But he was not the kind of guy who would die of a broken heart, just because his first real relationship did come to an end. He tried to see the advantages: Finally, he could catch up on some sleep. He could focus on his part-time job. Could study again and did not have to decide between a meet-up with his friends or his boyfriend, did not have to haste between both. Even his morning runs become an almost daily issue once more. All together feels like... finding to himself again. The real him. Who wanted to study here. Who wanted to become an AT.

*****  
  


The semester break was just around the corner and Iwaizumi thought of some extra shifts in the sports shop. First, he could use the money. Second, he would not travel anywhere.  
And then... there was this call. As he was explaining someone the best reasons to choose the newest running shoe by asics.

... his mother?

Usually, they planned the date and time, and right now it was only 10 AM in Japan - so she should be at work?  
Four hours later he was finally able to call back, right after his shift ended.

That was what he hated the most about the 16 hours time difference - he always was the last to know if something happened!  
Recently, Makki told him, that Mattsun had been in a car accident with his dad - three weeks on delay, because they never made it call each other. Or his cousin's birthday, who was already pregnant, 7th month.  
With gritted teeth he pushed the green button, walking home and waited impatiently for her to pick up.  
_  
Dare you, if you're shopping or if it was just by accident, or...!!_

"Hello?" the soft voice of his mother said. Although he was always feeling a comfortable warmth in his chest, talking to her, today he just had the chills. She sounded off, depressed, tired... broken?  
  
"Hey Mum, what's up? Are you alright?" he wanted to know pretty worried.  
  
"Sorry for the sudden call, Hajime" she replied very quietly, instead, so that he had to press the phone on his ear, because the loud traffic on the streets cut her voice off, "Yes... it's fine. We are fine. It's just..."

She inhaled, paused, because she tried to get her composure back.  
He had rarely been a witness of his mother, being like that. Only twice: when her father - his grandfather - died and the moment, when he almost got hit by a car because the driver had not paid attention to the red traffic light. Hence, it must be really bad.  
  
"Your uncle... he passed away last night" she finally explained, swallowing and sobbing, "Funeral's on Tuesday. Do you think, you can manage to come?"  
  
Iwaizumi had stopped and tried to work out the words in his mind.  
It was her brother. His uncle. He had never had much contact with him. Maybe... they had seen each other five times in Hajime's whole life. And even then he always had acted so distant in front of Iwaizumi, although he had a daughter, too - Hajime's cousin.

No surprise, that it did not hit him that much. The death itself was surprising, yes, but not shocking.  
However, he did know about the meaning of a funeral in his own culture. Not only for the dead but also for the family.  
  
"I will try" Hajime responded with tension in his muscle, "I have to ask my boss though, because of the last days I took off... So I can't promise."  
In his temporary employment he only had a limited number of days off, much less then the regular staff.

"O-Of course," she said immediately, and he knows that she was nodding. One of her typical behaviours, "Yes, sure. Just... tell us, and don't worry about the flight. We pay for it."

Iwaizumi sighed, almost inaudibly: "Kaa-chan... ki wo tsukete, ne"

  
He hung up and stored the phone in his bag.  
So... Japan... 

The question, what he should do in his semester break, was answered.

*** * ***

Narita Airport.

The last time, he had been standing here, was Spring 2013.  
Saying goodbye to his family and friends.  
To Oikawa.

He had been so sure not to travel to Japan soon.  
Maybe... when he would have finished his studies.  
He had wanted to use the time, studying abroad to grow.   
Giving his future a shape.  
And now, he's standing at the airport again.  
But for the arrivals.

His eyes wandered to the electronic board, which told you about your flight's delay or if it even got cancelled.

His one had been more than punctual. 10 minuted before the destined arrival.

Taking out his phone, he switched to the time for Japan, Sendai.

9:40 AM

Nobody here, to welcome home.  
His parents had to work and they agreeded that he would come home straight.  
It was still some way to go from the airport to Sendai and so he walked off, to the baggage claim, to wait for his suitcase. Of course, he did not bring much but for handluggage it still was too much. Towards quarter past ten he sat in the Skyliner - the shuttle train from Narita to Tokyo - and was more than glad to feel the fresh air of the airconditioner which held bag the humidity of the Japanese summer. He pulled the sticky shirt from his chest. The temperature made him sweat without moving, and because of this and the long flight, including a stopover, he would shower first, then he was finally home.

Half an hour later, rushing through the countryside, seeing all the river bents, the tea fields, the elementary school where pupils were about having PE lesson and afterwards the modern buildings and skyscrapers which have a handle on Japan's capital's centre.  
Arriving at Tokyo Station, he got surrounded by a large crowd who kept being busy, surpassing the underpass or were about buying Ekiben or other popular souvenirs like patisserie or sweetmeats in the shops. For colleagues, family, friends.  
Strange, how one could get hit by melancholy, if you returned home after a long time.

It did not even be his hometown, and Tokyo was in a steady change as a metropole, but Japan's spirit clearly revealed itself here. The mentality of the people, the regardful silence in the trains, which he sometimes missed in America, the extreme pop-culture, which presented itself in commercials, illuminations and clips on the screenlas...  
  
Iwaizumi's lips formed a weak smile then he got on the Shinkansen to Sendai, reading the display notification, that they were 30 seconds on delay and apologising for the inconvenience. For the last two and a half hours, he would just lean in his seat and take a nap...

Sendai itself had some really calm attitude. Such calm which were only to be found in small cities, although Sendai was not a village or something like that. Actually, Miyagi's capital city had a lot of interesting sight seeing spots and become to a true treasure for tourists.  
When Iwaizumi was heading for his home from the train station, he noticed, how much had changed.  
In almost two years had not only the streets are restored but also a lot of the shops.  
The old store for haberdashery goods had been replaced by a Bubble Tea café.  
The second hand-shop for books were still to be found, but had expanded to the second floor of its building.  
And also the small bakery still existed. Giving it a short thought, he stopped by and stepped in.  
Already being greeted with the typical "Irasshaimase", which made him smile, he replied with a polite "Konnichiwa".

Looking around fast, he took a customer's tray and went for the currypan, a melonpan and...  
  
"Currypan, melonpan und milkbread ... 900 Yen, please" the saleswoman said and Iwaizumi took out his wallet.  
Fortunately, he had exchanged some money at the airport. When he exited with the brown paper bag...  
Why... did he buy... he did not like eating...?  
  
Rubbing his neck, he continued walking with the goods in the one hand and his suitcase in the other.  
Maybe, that was the reason why he had chosen the goods so absent-mindedly:  
  
He really craved for that currypan right now, but melonpan... it was a sweet memory of his elementary school days. When he had stopped by at the bakery before or after - of course, without letting his mother know, because she would not have been so fond of it, skipping his lunchboxes for that unhealthy stuff (but to be fair, Iwaizumi ate both!)  
And the milkbread...  
Well, the bakery was also linked to it... to the time he had spent with Oikawa.  
Their way home had always been a mutual thing. They had not lived far from each other. And when they were just third grader, ready to go to school on their own, the shopping street had always been a funny place to be around. They had dawdled, had been scolded by their parents, but it had been just so exciting to see all the different kind of goods or watching the people in the sweet shops.  
Later, during middle- and then high school they had gone to the café, right around the corner. Just them or with Makki and Mattsun.  
Was it still there?

Iwaizumi got to the end of the roofed shopping arcade and looked to his right. It had been here... but... the shutters were down. Closed.  
His mouth formed a thin line. What a pity... he would have liked to order there one more time...  
Because of the nostalgia, he took a photo nonetheless and would send it to Makki or Mattsun.  
Did they know that the café was not occupied anymore?

Looking at the time display, he was reminded to hurry now a bit, if he still wanted to take a shower and not rush through it.  
It was about three o'clock. His mother would return home soon and so he could at least store his stuff and take out the souvenirs, he bought in California.

*****  
  


The reunion was heart-warming but wistful.  
He and his father hugged each other firmly, but for his mother he wrapped his arms carefully around her, held her tight for a moment. Iwaizumi noticed how much she had missed him and how hard her brother's death affected her, so she clanged more than she usually would on him.  
They talked for a while, sitting with a cup of tea on the couch, and he was told, that his uncle died because of a heart attack, which might be caused by some cardiomyopathy he had ignored. Also ignoring the advices of his doctor and so the tempted fate.  
Iwaizumi's cousin was 24 years old, already an adult but still too young to lose her father. Her own child would never meet his grandfather.  
Tomorrow would be the funeral, the transfer to the crematorium and then the gathering in the closer family circle.  
Tonight was the death watch, which would be held by the widow and the son-in-law. The heavily pregnant cousin could not be asked for it, anymore.

After they turned the heavy topic over, a short silence hovered over the dining table in the evening, but was broke by the elder Iwaizumi.  
Backing his squared glasses with the back of his hand to his nasal bridge, he smiled a bit,  
  
"Well... tell us something about your studies. Since, we have you here."  
  
His mother nodded and tried to get a grip again,  
"Yes, please tell us about it. And about your work. You said, that you had some days off? Did you travel?"  
  
"Yes, Los Angeles," her son replied calmly, shoving a spoonful rice into his mouth.

"That means... Hollywood, too, right?" his father suggested and got a nod as an answer, "Is it really that impressive like it's said?"  
  
"More than that. Godzilla has its own star on the walk of fame!" Hajime told them with an conspicuous proud grin, "Wait, I show you some photos, okay?"  
  
The parents agreed, because dinner was usually a phone-free zone. Coming back after bringing his device from the couch with him, sitting down on his chair, he looked for the pictures in the gallery.  
  
"Here... and here..."  
  
His father had to laugh and his mother also had to giggle,  
"You're still a big fan, er?"  
  
"Sure! In November I'll go to L.A. again. Godzilla Day!" Hajime announced with his proud smile and showed some more pictures:  
The city, the Hollywood Hills, the funfair.  
  
"That must be a nice trip. But who took the photos of you? Did you go with friends?" his mother wondered, "They are really beautiful."  
  
"Er... yeah" the asked one blinked and swallowed, "I've been there with a fellow student."  
  
"Oho~" his father was on guard immediately, "A girl? Should we know about her?"

Hajime rolled his eyes.

Of course… as soon as he talked about _someone_ it had to be a woman…  
  
“Ellen is just a very good friend. She’s taken and happy.”  
Well, not true, but they did not need to know.

“Oh, what a pity. Do you have a picture?” his mother asked, because she could not believe that there is a woman who did not fall for her son.  
  
Hajime nodded and looked for a photo of his friends,  
“Here… the redhead. That’s her. We have most classes together. Next to her is Jim and the other one’s name is Kavaan. He’s from India, 30 and goes for a change.”

“Wow… that’s amazing?”  
  
Of course, his parents could not understand at all why Hajime’s generation was so unsure about settle down, needed more time and still was on the search for the right life than having already found a family, got married, … but everything was changing.

“And the two girls?” his father pointes at them, who were hugging each other.  
Hajime glanced to him and to his mother.  
  
_We have never talked about their opinion about homosexuality…_

Well, now they could. Rather uncomplicated. Before he may decided to come out.

“These are Jo and Hannah. Our group couple” he explained with some nervousness in his gut and ping-ponged between his parents.

“ _Couple_?” his mother repeated to make sure, she heard correctly. Blinking she added a “Oh, is that so?” His father still looked at the picture and simply nodded.

“It’s much easier in America than here?” he asked, because Japan was much more conservative and even if you’re heterosexual, it was not so common to hold hands or kiss each other on the street.  
During the last years society had been more relaxed but showing affection was still something for home. 

“Yeah,” Hajime agreed, “In many states you have same-sex marriage, now. But this doesn’t mean that you’ll have the same rights like heterosexuals. There is still much work to do. Equality and so on. Humiliation and violence are too present, even nowadays. But in contrast to Japan it’s possible to be open about it.”  
Hajime had not noticed that he had given half a presentation and that his parents had looked at him with curious eyes.  
“W-What?” he said, irritated.  
  
“Nothing, just… you have good knowledge,” his mother replied, “I think, it’s good that you’re thinking out of the box.”

Hajime lifted his eyebrow.

_Does she want to tell me, that I know too much, not to be involved?  
  
_ “They told me a lot, because they are in that group who wants to go public with such topics. Normalising them. They asked me to participate.”

Nodding and just accepting, she added something else:  
“And that guy? Is he also a friend of you? He looks older than the rest.”

Puzzled, Hajime swiped back, because he did not know what she meant. Then stiffened for a short moment. The photo he forgot to delete. With Daniel.  
  
“No, that’s… that’s not relevant.” he said and deleted it to the bin and out of it finally from his phone. Putting his phone aside, he tried to change the subject: “Well, I’m really busy.”  
  
And so he talked about his studies, the subjects, the different contents of whose and much more.

  
*****

Sleeping again in his old room.  
Although he had told her, that she could use the room as guest room or something else, she had not changed anything. It just looked the same way as it had two years ago.  
The posters on the walls – Godzilla and the top stars of volleyball 2012 – the books in the shelves. Same topics but also some of his old school textbooks.  
Hajime took out two of them and smiled. These would go with him to California. Since they started with diagnostics and calculations he had to repeat all the mathematic and physics stuff from highschool. Putting the book on his desktop, his eyes wandered off to a framed picture.  
He had never been a person who was fond of them or had many but…

With a serious expression he held it in his hand. Simple, white plastic. The picture itself showed him and Oikawa… – the latter had hung his arms round Hajime’s shoulders while he had the held the camera in front of them. They laughed. Carefree. The last training camp with their team. Sweating but happy. 

Hajime put the picture back and bent down, trying to get the carton he hoped to find there – gotcha! Sitting back on the mattress he lifted the cover of the grey storage box and could not avoid grinning.

” _Iwa-chan, let’s make a time capsule! When we’re old men, we will open it!”_

One of O ikawa ’ s  crazy ideas during elementary school. Because everyone had. Because they were best friends.  
Hajime had never ever asked him for his capsule again, but he had collected on and on: Tickets, photos, souvenirs, … even the goddamn stupid advertisement paper tissues, you get in town, because he had brought them to Oikawa, written on the plastic package:

_ Stop sniffling! _

Now he really had to laugh.  
Then there was something else: Carefully, he took out the small slip-in photo album and opened it.  
Photos which had been taken had they had taken through the years. His mother had made him such an album during his kindergarten period but then, he had rearranged them into a larger one.

He and Oikawa as toddlers in the sandpit. After a bug hunt, which had made Oikawa cry. The first volleyball play in the backyard. The graduation class of elementary school. Entrance ceremony of the middle school. And then, pictures followed, he had taken by himself. He had taken of Oikawa.  
Together at the school field trip. Training camp. Summer festival in the city. New year. In school. Their time at the Seijoh… pictures from her matches, at karaoke with Makki and Mattsun, together under the kotatsu… Oikawa, sleeping next to him. Oikawa, grinning at him. Oikawa, holding out a piece of chocolate from his Valentine’s Day gits to Hajime, and Hajime who looked more than disgusted about it – thanks, Makki! - all these photos… And the more he looked at them, the more he became aware, that Oikawa had always been in his life. He had been born earlier, one and a half month. Oikawa had never been living in a world without Hajime. What a strange feeling…  
Was his former best friend aware of that, too?

Still holding the album in his hands, he fell back on the bed, his mother had put on clean sheets before his arrival. Staring at the ceiling, Hajime noticed the glued on stars. They have lost their amazing fluorescence but were still able to show a little bit of the universe, which they had created a long time, ago.

”Iwa-chan, that’s sooo cool!!“

Actually  he had never wished for such a thing, but because Oikawa had complained every time during their sleepovers, Hajime had asked his mum and his father bought and glued them on.  
Finally, they could see the stars in his room, too.

Hajime closed his eyes.  
He was tired from the journey. Tired from all the memories, which kept flooding his mind.

  
*** * ***

“Hajime would you open the door?”  
  
“Sure.”  
  
It was early midmorning, they had breakfast together and now getting prepared since half an hour. His father got his face shaved in the bathroom, his mother occupied with getting into her mourning kimono in the bedroom. Hajime, wearing a light coloured collar shirt and a black suit, loosened his tie, because he hated it, how it pressed against his throat. Even in school he had worn it only sloppy.  
While doing so, he went to the entrance door, opened it without further concern and… 

“Y-You’re already back?”  
  
  


Swallowing, Hajime felt, how his heart skipped a beat.  
No… impossible…  
His eyes widened and he stared blankly shocked at his opposite.  
Could not help it that he shut the door into the guest’s face. Turning around and giving the ghost a name, he had seen right now – clearly upset, because he knew, whose fault was it. 

“Mum, why… is Oikawa here??”

His mother came to the corridor, wearing her dark-coloured kimono properly now, but still doing her hair. With a uncomprehending expression she replied,

“Why? I invited him of course?”  
  
Countered her words with the same expression in his eyes, Hajime said,  
“He hasn’t had anything to do with Hayato-jisan!”  
  
“He had taken you and Tooru-kun on a boat trip? Forgotten?”  
  
...  
  
Oh... well… one out of five times, he had seen his uncle. Right.  
Hajime sighed. Okay. That was a reason. At least for the common unwritten rules, if it comes to funerals… 

The door bell rang again.

His mother tippy-toed over, her eyes in a scolding shape and her dull painted lips parted in disbelief,

“You haven’t-?”  
  
She did not know what to say, just shoved her son on the shoulders to the side and opened the door again with a kind but also apologetical smile.  
  
“Tooru-kun, thanks for coming! We are sorry, I guess, Hajime is still off the track.”  
  
“Yeah… the jetlag is hard” Oikawa even took his side with a weak smile, so that his mum had to give a short laughter and took a step aside,  
  
“Come in! Do you want anything to drink? We have to leave in half an hour.”  
  
Whether Hajime wanted or not – Oikawa stepped in, now, but exchanged a quick look with him, then kept his own lowered.  
  
“Thanks… maybe eh… tea?” the brunette suggested with a charming smile.  
  
“Oolong is fine? I just made some.”

“Sure.”  
  
“Then just take a seat in the living room.”

  
She got back to the kitchen and Oikawa noticed, that she still had her hair undone, something which would never happen on a regular base. Usually, Hajime’s mother always took care of her image she was showing to the public. But it did not matter to her that there are losen strands, then it meant that she had it really tough right now, to deal with. Still, her kindness and compassion for others were not affected by that.

Iwaizumi had just watched as a silent observer, as they had  their small-talk. Now being pretty insecure, they even stood in the corridor when his mother came back with the tray on which were two filled cups of tea. With surprised eyes she sighed,  
  
“Hajime, really. What is it with you two?”  
  
Well, probably she had thought that they made up in the past?  
That it had not been final at the airport?  
That they were still friends?  
  
Hajime exhaled noisily, then turned around.  
  
“You know… where the living room is” he mumbled and headed off to it.  
  
Oikawa nodded, now finally following. He did not want to make that decision on his own, because he already felt like an intruder. Knowing well enough, that he had stepped into Hajime’s safe place and that he did not have any right to do so. And even, if they had been communicating much more the past days, it was totally different now, standing in front of each other, face to face.  
That racing of his heartbeat, that sweating, the insecurity … Did Iwa-chan feel the same?

The setter sat down on the couch, the right end. Hajime took the left. An uncomfortable distance between them.  
And as his mother put down the tablet, her son stiffened.  
  
“Oh, you have milkbread?” Oikawa’s eyes sparkled, because milkbread was an everyday go!  
  
“Yes, yesterday, Hajime had-”  
  
“That’s not relevant!” Hajime interrupted and pressed his lips together, clearly embarrassed.  
  
She scolded him with another stern look, but there was also an almost amused one from his right.  
Letting them know, that she had to get herself ready, she left the two young men alone.

Oikawa let his eyes wander. A quick check. The couch table, the old wooden drawer, the framed pictures with the family on it, the dining table and the four chairs with the service hatch to the kitchen. The flat TV who did not fit in, because it was way too modern…

“Nothing has changed much here, too, right?” he tried to small-talk with the other, to break the ice.

“Can’t say. I haven’t been here in two years” Hajime talked back, staring at the small table in front of him, 

“You’ve… never visited?” Oikawa seemed to be truly surprised and tilted his head to Hajime.

“Yeah, something always came up.”  


Staying silent, they did not talk for a while. Then, Hajime thought it would be his turn to try talking. He did not know why he was so stressed about it – they had texted, called each other. But… now his stomach ached, and he did not know what to do. To make it better.

“So… my mum contacted you?”  
  
“E-Eh… yes… she wrote me an email.“  
  
“Since when does she has your mail?” Hajime lifted his eyebrow sceptically.  
  
“Oh, just since school” Oikawa admitted with a little bit overwhelmed smile and rubbed the back of his head, clearly feeling uncomfortable,  
“When you were sick once and I’ve brought you the homework. She had asked me for it, in case it would happen again.”

“When was that?”

“Hey, you’ve suffered from the flu, which you also had spread in class.”

“Must be another life.”  
  
“You’re suffering from post-flu amnesia!”

And although he did not look at him, Hajime knew that his former best friend was pouting right now, knitting his eyebrows and making a grimace. He heard it from the voice and mumbling. Suppressing the twitch of his mouth corner, Hajime tilted his head to the side, so it was not visible.

Staying silent again, his mother came back to the living room with her tippy-toeing and stopped by the couch in disbelief,  
“My, my, you’re still not talking?” she looked at them with a scolding expression, putting her hands on her hips,  
“What’s wrong with you two? You’re behaving like stubborn children!”

That was not something of her business, but… he could not have explained it.

Finally, she came round, sat down on the armchair right opposite of them. Considering, that her kimono would not crinkle. Ready with her hair, ready with her make-up. Putting her hands in the lap, she sighed quietly and looked at her son expectantly, who kept himself in his couch corner more.

“Tooru-kun has just traveled here for you,” she started and caused a shocked expression on Oikawa’s face and an unaffected one by her son.  
_  
That should be kept as a secret._  
  
“Yeah? I thought, you invited him because he knew jisan?”

“Sure, but-”

“W-Well, we don’t have to hash over it!” Oikawa lifted his hands and hoped that the tension would flatten – even if he had to cut off Hajime’s mother.

Of course, he did not like how the conversation was going: how she tried to encourage us for conciliation, made it even worse and let Hajime built up his walls more.

His mother looked at her son, then to is seemed-to-be best friend and sighed.

“You two… whatever happened between you two, please do yourself a favor and don’t travel back like that. Talk it out. Someday… it can be too late, and you will regret it your whole life.”

Hajime’s jaw muscles move unsteady from one side to the other. He felt Oikawa’s eyes on him. But now… he just felt overwhelmed. It was already enough coming here and being confronted with the things which remembered him of the beautiful events in his childhood and youth on the one hand, but on the other there was this bitter aftertaste how it had endet.  
And the last was something he had to deal with it. He could not  have it that somebody tried to rush things. Could not have it, that somebody tried to patch something between them, which made them struggle so hard.

Doubts came up.

Maybe… it had been a mistake to entrust himself to Oikawa if it comes to his still official boyfriend but actual ex.  
Maybe he should have leave it.  
Maybe he should just had to get a grip of himself more.  
Sure, it would be strange to meet each other again?

Because Oikawa did know much more than anyone else in his life.  
Because he showed Oikawa more than he had intended to.

What he told him, he had not revealed to any other of his friends in America, yet.  
And now… he felt how heavy the weight on his shoulders felt. The weight of not talking to each other since his departure in 2013. And the more he got aware of it, when they have contact again and Oikawa, sitting right next to him, the more angry he became.

_ Why had you never called?  
Why had you not even tried to apologise?  
Why did nothing matter to you?  
Had your life in Argentina so much more value than I? _

And something else crossed his mind…

_Why I haven’t give him another chance?  
Why did I accuse him that everything did not matter?  
_   
Why had he crossed him out of his life and expected Oikawa to make the first step?  
  
  


None of these questions he wanted to speak out loud.

He did not have the nerves now to talk about it.  
To face up with the problems.  


Suddenly the door bell rang once more, and Hajime flinched, because he was so lost in his thoughts.

“Oh, that has to be our neighbour!” his mother excused herself and stood up.

It was about time.

*** * ***

The funeral ceremony was held in a shrine. The room, where the prayers took place, was arranged with neat squared pillows on the floor.  
The burial case was laid out in the front.  


The Shinto sutras, which were sung, the lamentations.  
The family members, who cried.

They were organised by the degree of kinship and therefore, Iwaizumi sat as the nephew in the front row, whereas Oikawa sat behind in the second.

Incense was burnt twice and it was prayed. Then the burial case was to be opened, a chance to put personal items inside, which should accompany the deceased one on his journey. Even if Hajime had the possibility, to occupy longer with uncle, he would not have had anything to put inside. It was a terrible feeling not to stand up and step forward as a family member, but had never been a fan of pretending, too. So why should he bestow his owner to someone who had not meant anything to him? The same likewise?  
  
However, during the ceremony he became aware of the phrase his mother had given them about  _being too late._

For her, it was her brother with whom she had spent her childhood. Whatever happened later… the fight, why his uncle isolated himself from the rest of the family… he had been part of it. 

And the family itself… Hajime met most of them for the first time in years.  
Because of their reactions and also those of his mother he noticed that most of them just lived separated lives, do not have a clue about anything and do not have contact to each other. 

In the end, it was the same for her with her brother like for him and Oikawa?  
Maybe she tried to apply to them, because of that?

After the ceremony ended, flowers were put in the burial case, which covered the body except his face, the family went to the near crematorium.  
Other sutras, more burnt incense and the incineration itself… everything needed its time, but the most unlikeable one was to pick up the bones with the rods and putting it inside the urn.

Because two persons had to do it together, Hajime tensed even more. He did not have much choice if it came to his partner… his parents were a pair and also the widow with her daughter… so… 

He did not say anything as he looked for Oikawa who had just waited and nodded slowly.

Maybe… it was good that he had come here…

  
*****

After the lunch, it was time for parting and so Hajime as the nephew was seeing the other relatives and visitors off, because his mother could not do this all on her own. She still was a crying mess.  
His father had some business inside to discuss with the widow and therefore, still was in the restaurant.  
Exchanging one, two short talks with the guests, he beared with the empty phrases and replied politely but brief. Bowed or shook hands, if it was asked.

The whole time, Oikawa kept watching him, standing a bit more aside. Watching, how Hajime fills the role of an adult here. Something, which they were, indeed, but… it was strange, seeing his Iwa-chan doing so. In that black suit, the broader shoulders than in the past. The shorter hair, combed neatly. His whole presence had changed.

The clock had moved on.

The young Iwaizumi wrapped his arms around his mother, who sobbed now heartbreakingly, rubbing her shoulders gently, when they were finished.  
  
“Let’s head home, okay?” he said quietly and got a nod within all the sobs as an answer, “Dad should be ready soon and comes after.”  
Again, she nodded.

Oikawa breathed in and out and finally started to move. Made the first step towards him,

“Iwa-”

“I’m tired, Oikawa” he was cut off, “Jetlag, as you said.” Hajime did not look up.

Did not look at him, as he spoke to him, but had his mother already shoved to the waiting taxi which they had called. He could not be angry at him for trying to talk to him, but right now, he really was tired. Tired from the day, the funeral. Exhausted of everything. “Thanks for coming” he said though with honesty, turning to his mother again. Speaking to her, when she got in the car. That he would follow immediately. Closed the door on her side.

“I can’t stay for long” Oikawa added then, clenched fists by his sides.  
Hajime put his head in his neck. A bitter smile appeared.

“Having things your way again?”

“That’s not what I mean!” 

His opposite got angry, that was also something, Hajime noticed and which let him look at the brunette. Wanting to say something, one last word. Wanting to get to the other side of the vehicle. But suddenly stopped… his phone.

It vibrated in his inner pocket of the suit.

Taking it out, clearly upset, he looked at the screen.

“Fuck…” he hissed and gritted his teeth.

That was the first time that _he_ tried to contact him since that weekend…

Hajime snarled.  
Pick up and get rid of him? Letting it ring? … but if he did the second… this would only mean, that he would not be left alone?

After a second thought, Hajime knocked on the window of the taxi, so his mother opened the door,  
“Mom, please go ahead… I just received an important call…” he explained, whil his phone was still vibrating and did not know how to shut up.  _Daniel_ did not know how to shut up.

So the taxi left and Hajime also turned away from Oikawa, lifting the device to his ear.  
  
“Are you serious?” the setter stopped him with his words in the last moment, before he could pick up.

“Why not?” Hajime asked back, giving him a longer, undefined look.  
  
“Sorry? After what you told me-”  
  
“At least he has the courage to talk with me.”  
  
  
_Ouch._

  
Both stared at each other for a moment and Hajime got it, that he  jumped on the bandwagon once more, because he still was hurt. Crossing a line… maybe he even destroyed the fresh build connection, they had?  
Swallowing, he blinked and lowered his gaze.

That had not been his purpose…

Walking a few steps, he confirmed the call with the green digital button and stayed silent, as he heard he other side – exhaling in relief.

“Hajime… God… I… I’m so sorry…!!”

Hajime’s hand tensed round the phone. It was midnight in Irvine, but that was not the reason, why is heart was beating so fast or why his brain released a stress reaction. Making him nauseous.  
It was the other’s voice. The way he spoke. How it went out. Sounding blurred. So whiny. So rueful. So… like on that evening being out of senses.

“Hajime, really… I… what I did… that was so stupid! I’ve been an asshole! And I should have called much sooner! Seriously!”

Did he really get to know Daniel after all?  
Or… had he just acted like the perfect boyfriend?  
God… how could he have even given him so much of himself?

Hajime lifted his gaze, glanced automatically to Oikawa who was still standing behind him, watching him with a stern and almost pleading expression –  _just hang up, please_ – but turned his back to him totally then.

“Are you drunk?”  
  
“Hajime, please, let us talk about it! I’m sure we can find a way! I’ll make it better! I don’t want to-”  
  
“Fuck, Dan! I'm in Japan right now!“ Hajime gave back much angrier as wanted – especially much louder. The other side went awfully silent, as if his ex needed time to understand that Hajime was not in California right now. As if it was impossible, that he travelled back home…

“You’re… what!?”  
  
“A relative died and so I’m here” Hajime replied with gritted teeth. That was not none of Daniel’s business but if it was needed that he would finally let it be… 

“And how long will you stay?”  
  
“Dunno.”  
  
Actually, just a few days. Then he had to return, because of work and everything. Catch up the hours he had missed. But that was something Daniel really had not to know.

“But you’re coming back, right? You’re coming back, Hajime?”  
  
Like a child. A child, sitting in the corner, crying.  
A child who had almost raped him under drug’s influence.  
  
“I do. But not for you,“ Hajime pressed heavily, but clearly to understand.  
And instead of accepting, that it was over, Daniel’s jealousy got him. Making the next mistake.  
Something which let Hajime’s patience snap totally. With only three words:  
  
“Because of him?”  
  
...

The jetlag, the funeral, the meeting with Oikawa… so many things. Now, also that?

He stepped further, the stones under his shoe sole’s cracked dangerously as if they showed his real emotional state right now. But he could have just stood where he was standing some seconds before, as much as he was shouting now into the phone – Oikawa would have understood him even 20 meters away,  
  
“Fuck you, Dan! I've just told you I'm here for a family's member funeral! I have to comfort my mother because her fuckin' brother died, I'm fuckin' jet-lagged and you have the fuckin' brass neck to give a lament?!“  
  
“Damn, Hajime! I just don’t want-”  
  
“Then you'd better hadn't taken that frickin' pill and almost raped me?“ he cut Daniel off again, but suddenly became much frightening calm.  
  
Constrained himself to.

He was not worth it.  
He just so was not worth it.

“You know what? Do whatever you like but leave me alone. If you want to talk so badly… sober up. And maybe our paths cross at the campus. But don’t you dare thinking, I’m ever coming back to you. Bye.”  
  
He hung up. Looking once more at the phone and blocked the contact. 

Then just lowering his arm, holding the device still with his clenched fist, he felt it rumbling in his stomach. Everything he had try to suppress. Anger, angst, disappointment, rage…  
He would have liked to yell as long as his vocal ligament could take.

  
What the fuck was wrong with that asshole?  
Why… was he like that?  
  
  


Hajime had almost forgotten completely, that his former best friend was still standing with him. Being audience of a phone call, which hit him with one sentence badly and gave him chills.  
Yes, Iwa-chan had talked about it but… only that the situation had escalated because of his boyfriend who had taken drugs – on purpose – and drank too much. That they had fought. But not… that he… had almost been raped by him? And now that shit of guy had the nerves to even call him?  


“Iwa-chan” the brunette said to get the other’s attention and made the aforementioned one flinch as if he had touched some staticky door knob.  
  
Turning around slowly, his eyes crossed the worried brown pair of Oikawa.  
Because Hajime looked so pale. Looked like shit, just like he felt… the recent words… 

There was that one little piece of a puzzle he had been looking for so long. Which would complete the whole picture. The reason he  did involve himself with Daniel. Why the tutor had been so attracted to him. Why he had enjoyed his presence, although he had never felt true  _love_ , even after all the weeks, even with the good sex. But that one, sex, also had not been enough for him… it would have never been enough?  
He swallowed.

The reason, standing in front of him.

Hajime merely shook his head, his mouth corner lifted weakly and he blinked, avoiding his gaze. Everything he had tried to build up in Irvine, was so easily to shatter. His relationship a weak construction.

Yes, it had been reasonable that Daniel was jealous:

Because for Hajime it had always been Oikawa Tooru.  
Always.

But that was not the same with him.  
For Oikawa Tooru it had always been only volleyball.  
Always.

“Iwa-chan, I-”

“I go home. My mom’s waiting. She… needs me. And I’m also exhausted. My dad should be finished, too…” the California student murmured, passing Oikawa now, “Thanks again, that you were here. And I’m sorry for the inconvenience, that you had to travel from Argentina for that.”  
He saw him off with a polite distance, “Because we’re already here… maybe we should call Hanamaki and Matsukawa. It’s rare enough to be able to see each other”, he added but sounded absolutely absent-minded, “I try to contact them, then I write you a message, okay?” That was all.

Oikawa could not respond.  
Right now was not the best timing to tell him, why he – sorry, Iwa-chan’s uncle! - actually took the chance to come here.

That call had just been the tip of the iceberg, and Oikawa understood that the solid-as-a-rock Iwaizumi Hajime had a spot in his heart, which nobody should touch. Which was too sensitive.

And that sensitive spot had been hit too hard by Daniel, once again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bentou: Japanese lunchbox, often filled with rice, vegetables, eggs and/or meat/fish. Sandwiches are also popular.
> 
> Ekiben: bentous you can get at the stations, often filled with the area’s specialities. The shopping arcade at Tokyo Station (central station) has very pretty but also expensive Ekiben.
> 
> Currypan: bun with curry, sometimes also with fried soba on it
> 
> Melonpan: sweet bun, consists of yeast dough and shortcrust pastry. There’s a cross pattern on the surface. Also available with different tastes, like Matcha.
> 
> Japanische funeral: I am sorry if there is any mistake in the details, because I had to research for myself. The picture here is a Shinto ceremony. BTW: nowadays black is also a popular colour for mourning clothes in Japan.
> 
> Homosexuality in Japan: As far as I know, you can only have same sex marriage in Tokyo, Shinjuku. 
> 
> Please consider, that I had something in mind, changing Iwaizumi to Hajime. First at all, it’s a bit complicated, writing family episodes without using his given name. Furthermore, I want to show change, which will occur from now on.


	9. Reunion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I always thought... that it wouldn't happen to me," Hajime whispered, "I should have ended it so much sooner. I should have seen it coming."
> 
> "Why... did you even agree to that relationship? Have you... been in love with him?" the setter murmured awkwardly. Because he did not want to hear the answer. On the other side, he had to. To help him.
> 
> "Somehow."
> 
> He did not intend it, but he had stabbed a knife into Oikawa's heart.

Hajime spent the rest of the evening in his old bedroom. Although had already slept there for one night, it was still strange that his mother had changed nothing at all.

The posters, how the has organised his stationary on the desk.  
The only sign that somebody had entered this room was the no-dust state of everything...  
But spoken in general, he had the feeling that he was stuck in 2012 again.

Or... was it only the feeling which is associated with _home_?

At the beginning of his studies abroad he had felt homesick from time to time. Of course, if you lived thousands of kilometres far from your family's place and you had no one - except your fellow students - you knew. Being on your own. Nevertheless, it had helped him to develop. Becoming independent. Learning to occupy on his own - over the years, Oikawa had also been by his side and sometimes even more than he had actually wanted ... love or not - since he had been here in the US, Hajime became the only child again, he was.

Lying on his bed, he held his eyes shut. The movie of his past in his mind changed to the one of today's happenings:

The prayers, the mourning ceremony, the jars with flowers, how everyone stepped to the coffin, going to the crematorium, the incineration, the silent funeral feast... and his mother, who he wanted to comfort so much, but just could not.  
Probably, never. Because he would be forever her son, her child; age did not matter. And therefore, children should not wear the burdens of their parents on their shoulders - that was her maxim. No matter how she was feeling, how sad or angry she was... never - seriously never - she had projected it on Hajime or shared her worries with him.

_"Kaa-chan, what is it?"_  
_"It's okay, Hajime. Kaa-chan will smile again, soon!"_

She was such a strong woman, but... should there not be exceptions?

Like... the death of a family member?

Because that was nothing which would happen every day. Especially not, if it was your own brother...  
Not to mention the fact, that she did not have any other closer relative than him anymore...

Her parents - Hajime's grandparents - are both deceased. Her father earlier, her mother two years ago.  
Hajime smiled bitterly. Back when... Oikawa had also been here. In contrast to today's funeral, he had been much more connected with Hajime's granny.

When they were children, they had visited her often during the summer vacations, because the house and yard were sooo good to play around. Catching bugs in the bushes (well, Hajime had... Oikawa had just stood in front of them, sulking and waiting for him), sleeping in the garden and watch the stars (to lift Oikawa's mood after the bug-catching). Because she had always brought them watermelon, which was so refreshing and sweet.

His best friend had cried more than one or two tears about her. In his own family, no funeral had happened before and for Oikawa it had been the first time, that he got in touch with death. Although Hajime had not felt well himself, he had tried to take care of him and comfort him. In the end, both had been in each other's arms. Had laid down in Hajime's bed, cuddled up, and let themselves be drowned by the warmth and the feeling of safety of the other. Ah, stop that! That was the past!  
He was here... alone, and he had to find a way to deal with everything... not his uncle's death but everything else, which had built up and was on risk to crush down on him, now.

In retrospect, Hajime could not get rid of the feeling, that he had bailed. Again. But this time right in the arms of a place, which he had left therefore beforehand.  
Well... maybe... it had also been _him_ who tried to find comfort?  
Despite the long journey and the fact that he had to fly back soon, he still had travelled here, to find shelter at his parents'.  
Hearing the words _Everything will be alright_.

Alright... seeing how alright his uncle was, Hajime knew that it was not a promise which could be make. Nothing was good with Daniel, either with Oikawa.  
He moaned, upset, and crossed his arms over his eyes, breathing in and out to calm down.

A long, fierce buzz interrupted his lethargy, caused by the phone, which he had put on the wooden desktop's surface and started to dance in circular movents, due to the vibration.  
Startled, Hajime supported himself on his side and reached with the other hand to the device.  
Hanamaki.  
Falling back on his back and into the cushion, he read the response to his questions a while ago:  
  


_Sure!!_

  
Just a few seconds after, he received a message of Matsukawa:  
  


Sure, I'm all in! Our favourite ramen shop?

  
Hanamaki again:  
Oikawa is really here?

Matsukawa:  
Are you two okay?

The sophomore narrows his eyes sceptically.  
These two were surely...  
A video call came in in no time. Of course.  
Sighing, he sat up, ruffled his chaotic hair, shuffled himself to the headrest of his bed and confirmed the call.

"Hey, Iwaizumi!"  
"Hey!!"

Here they are, the two idiots grinned in full screen.  
He had received some pictures from them via Instagram, but he was still slightly irritated that Matsukawa wore his hair in a side parting and had longer front hair - same went for Hanamaki, seeing him for the first time with something like a fringe. (That Matsukawa had actually curly hair was not a surprise, but right now he seemed to fit in more the Korean idols. Hanamaki, too, with his pageboy.)"

"Dude, you're looking awful! Was the funeral that bad?" the latter slightly worried, and Hajime shakes his head.  
  
"No, it was okay. Just exhausting because it took hours. I didn't have much contact with my uncle. My mother's suffering from. As it is her brother..."

"Sorry to hear that. And... you're okay? In general?"

"Yeah... think so. Only jetlagged."

And that was a good excuse for every shitty problem.

"And... Oikawa?" Hanamaki made another step forward.

"He was there, yes."

Hanamaki and Matsukawa exchanged a stern look. How they turned their head to each other in the synchronously and stayed silent was almost funny, if had not been so extremely nagging Hajime. That everything was revolving around their former captain again.  
  
"You know that I can see you?"

"So... you're talking with each other?" Matsukawa wanted to know, as well and it was Hajime's turn now to think of his next answer properly.  
So spending some moments in silence, too, pondering, he looked aside and then back to his friends.

"If you want to put it like this... We... have been in contact for some time, yeah. Wasn't on purpose."

"Not on purpose? How can getting in contact being without a purpose?" Hanamaki lifted his eyebrow, amused.

"My friends picked up somehow, that we had played together during school - well, rather to be said they stalked us," the former ace grumbled, looking up to the ceiling, "Anyway... we looked at his Insta and I didn't know that he see it in a list who watched his stories. Shit happens..."

"Ah, that's it!"

Iwaizumi gave them a confused expression but scanned them now with uttermost suspicion.

"What do you mean by that?" he wanted to know with a dangerous undertone.

"Oikawa just told me, that he had received a peep from you."

He had talked about this?

"Did he... mention anything else?" Hajime murmured, as unaffected as possible, and rubbed his neck anxiously with his hand. His reaction made the meme couple grinning even more.  
"What? Trashykawa is talking the same trash as ever! I just wanna make sure he doesn't talk too much bullshit!" Hajime explained himself, but a little bit too outraged to sound reasonable.  
So the two other men glanced at each other again, but Hanamaki decided to drop the teasing and became a little bit more sincere now,

"Actually... he just said that he is really happy about it. That's all."

... happy?

"Come on, Iwaizumi. Pull yourself together! He whined more than once that you would never-ever-never listen to him if he spoke to you. So, at least hear him out, okay?" Matsukawa pleaded with an empathetic smile, "Whatever had crossed the two of you... just listen to him. You can punch Oikawa for that, later, right?"

"As if..." Iwaizumi murmured and lowered his gaze.

Sure, that Oikawa did not want to sweep it under the carpet. That he wanted to talk about.  
But that was the whole damn problem. Why should he even punch that guy then?  
If he would - punching him for what had happened, then Oikawa would be next lying besides his uncle... for that, even hard punches was not enough.  
However, he had not any energy or nerves left for something like that.  
And regarding the circumstance that the setter did not only save his ass, if it came to the funeral rituals, but also had listened to his crap, recently... it would not be fair, either.  
(You could say "Okay, he has to! That's the least thing he should do!" but that thought did not sink in. His heart would make him feel guilty. You had spent so many years with him. Give him a chance... - one more?)

"Well... we meet up tomorrow, at six, right? In front of the shop? We can talk then!" Matsukawa noted, as he saw how absent-minded his buddy acted and wanted to get back to the topic like this.

"Ah, can you buy some Enoki?" Hanamaki interposed to his opposite, "We don't have any and I wanted to cook one pot overmorrow."

"They are cooled," the questioned one answered and cocked his eyebrows, "They would be condensation until we're home."

"Ah right..."

Hajime followed that short exchange of words in confusion and when they started to speak about other vegetable possibilities, he decided to barge in, taking the phone closer.

"Just a moment! Eh... did I miss something in the meantime? Between... you two?"  
He waggled with his indexfinger from Hanamaki to Matsukawa.

"Why?" both of them sounded in sync. Looking at each other again and did not understand why Hajime acted so surprised,

"We're living together," Hanamaki explained plainly, "So, see you! Take a rest for your head! Bye!"

"Hey!!"

Too late.

They hung up.  
...

Take a rest - yeah, how should he when they successfully produced new head ache inside of it?  
Living together?  
So... they were living together or did it mean they were together, hence living together? What happened? Since when?  
Usually, he had asked Oikawa, because he also was best friends with them and he would surely know, however... 

When Hajime was about tapping the chat with him, automatically, he paused in the last second.  
Two things he realised for the most multiple time:  
First, he was the last in the phone chain.  
Second, he and Oikawa had lost something which was not so easy to be repaired again. Moreover, even if they had some restart... could they do it? Really do it?  
... Listen to what Oikawa wanted to tell him... hm...

Hajime tapped now on the chat and started writing:

_They're in._  
_Tomorrow, 6 pm, our ramen shop._  
_Be punctual._

He sent it, put the phone next to him, still not getting it, what had been found between Hanamaki and Matsukawa - something entrusting, which had sneaked in.  
Less than two minutes passed, and he received an answer.  
That jerk also had to hang on his phone - had not changed at all.

  
(Oikawa, 7:42 PM)  
Alright.

And as Hajime wanted to put down the device again...

(Oikawa, 7:42 PM)  
Are you okay?

His eyes widened as he was staring at the three words.  
His heart did not jump or acted otherwise weirdly.  
It beat in his normal rhythm, although a little bit of relief revealed itself in his core, because Oikawa was worried about him. That is all.  
Hajime had built up his walls fast again and did not want to break them down once more...

So... was he okay?

An easy question to be answered: _Not at all._  
Walls and locks in a constant coming and going: He felt everything else than okay, because there were a lot of reasons to be like that:

His relationship was in ruins. His boyfriend had almost abused him, was probably a drug addict and did not get it, that they broke up. Here, in Japan, his uncle's funeral had taken place, he had picked up his bones. Together with Oikawa. Had tried to comfort his mother. His cousin was pregnant, right before labour.  
As it seemed, Hanamaki and Matsukawa had a shared flat or had got together at all - something, he also did not know about.  
The reunion with Oikawa itself... he did not want to talk about it. Oikawa, who wanted to clear up.

Everything brought the ghost of the past back to him, shaped them into something real. A reality, he had abandoned.

Oikawa might have guessed the honest answer, but Hajime could not blame him for the rhethorical question.  
Maybe he had wanted to ask something different, but had not dare to.   
No matter what had happened between them, his former best friend had not changed a bit: he dared to advance cautiously. Very subtle. Tried to find out, if there was a possibility. Obeyed. Analysed. Concluded. Planned his strategy. Acted. As he has ever done so.

Instead of replying to these three words, Hajime asked something in return:

_Since when are Hanamaki and Matsukawa sharing flats?_

The online status showed him, that Oikawa was active right now and so he only waited for his response.  
Should not take long. In the meantime Hajime scrolled up and down through their conversation, absent-mindedly, and recalled the events around their talks.  
Just a normal chat.  
In earlier days, Oikawa had always added some stupid picture or emoji and Hajime had been tired about it but now... he missed is a tiny bit.

These plain words reminded him too much of his oh-so-mature-ex... he had also called smileys, gifs and other unnecessary stuff childish and so they never exchanged anything like that.  
And of course, because Dan did not get along with the Japanese horizontal emojis. On the other side, Hajime had to tilt his head in an angle of 90 degrees to understand, what that strange combination of interpunction meant. He only got used to them recently.

But... although the messages between him and Oikawa had been very polite and almost really distaned, they had become more daily speech.  
He had not to start the conversation with a Hey or a Sorry for disturbing you - was not his likeing anway - they just started chatting.

  
(Oikawa, 7:44 PM)  
Since half a year.  
They got together three months after your departure.

Hajime's eyes widened in surprise.  
So it was a got-together as in couple-together...  
But... for such a long time? Was it too much to ask for getting informed?  
He felt a bit fucked, and therefore, they would get a clout round the ear from him!  
The good old days!

Another message from Oikawa:

  
Will you reply to my question?

He was persistent. And that meant - as sure as eggs is eggs - that there would be a whole cavalry of messages in a few seconds. The mobile will not stop vibrating, buzzing, like an AK-47. Like his veins, which will not stop pumping blood fast because of him, being annoyed.

You dodge!

Tell me.

You dodged before!

The Iwaizumi I know isn't a coward.

So reply!

Come on!

Come on!

Come ooooooooon!

And to crown it all - snapping Hajime's patience - there was that call. Without hesitating, he picked up by hitting the digital button too hard with his thumb, pressing the device almost in his ear.  
Before Oikawa could breathe, Hajime was already barking inside:

"Dude, what's your fucking problem? And since when you're calling me by my family's name? I'll give you some coward!"

"Then do it!"

Hajime flinched, as he did not only hear the voice from the mobile, but also time-displaced before from outside. 

"And how should I call you then? Iwa-chan isn't okay. Iwaizumi isn't okay... Ah, now I got it! How about Haji? You know, if you insult me, I'll call you Hachiko!" Again.  
He had not misheard.

"Trashykawa... where are you right now?" Hajime added cautiously, and overhead the nagging part of the answer, hence, the new nickname. There was totally something else, he had stomach issues about...   
Swinging his legs out of the bed, he walked straight out of his room. Across the corridor, to the entrance. Waiting for a reply, but there was not one.  
Oikawa's silence let Hajime inhale deeply once and then lay down his hand on the door knob. Finally, pulling it open and... his assumption was correct.

Face to face, the setter stood on his doormat, still having the phone pressed on his ear, a serious and worried expression written in his brown eyes.

Impossible.

That...

was...

simply...

  
BAMM.

  
The first and best reaction, Hajime could come up with.  
For the second time within 12 hours, he had slammed the door in his face.

Shocked, Hajime stood still. His pulse started racing again. He felt hot and then cold as ice in rapid speed and turns.  
Despite that, his face was overly red and his ears started rushing like wild waves of the stormy sea.

Why did that idiot come here?  
Why... was he...

"Iwa-chan, _¡Eres un cobarde!_ " he heard the dull call from outside, and Hajime could not help it but overacting his desperation with aggression:

"Shut up, stop talking Spanish!"

"Sorry, but that's happening automatically!"

_Such a... douchebag!!_

Once more he just appeared in front of his eyes.  
Once more he stood here and made Hajime's heart beat in an irregular pattern. Despite the first three words it jumped because of excitement, anticipation... but Hajime did not want to risk, that it would be crashed hard onto the grey asphalt. Right now, he would not be able to endure it another time.

Thanks to Daniel, he had enough struggle to collect all the splinted pieces.  
Still in repairment. Gathering them and gluing them together...

"Let me in?"

"Why should I?"

"Because I'm worried..."

Honesty.

Hajime swallowed hard.

He was not used to it. That Oikawa expresses these uncomfortable feelings, not denying or suppressing them. Overacting them.

_Listen to what he has to say!_

"Hajime, what's up? Why are you slamming the door? If you're phoning, do it quietly or outside!"

He flinched, hearing the upset voice of his father and therefore, snapped back into reality. Shit... he had forgotten thtat he was not home alone.

"Y-Yes... sorry. Won't happen again," the son replied overwhelmed, turning around to the elder Iwaizumi who just shook his head and went back to the living door, closing the door.

Hajime waited another moment to make sure that they would not step in the corridor again and opened the door in front of him for a second time.  
Oikawa with his damn perplexed expression still stood were and was dragged inside by the hand.  
As he made the try to say something, his mouth was covered by a warm parm.  
Hajime put the index finger on his own, meaning, not so say a word, so the brunette only nodded suspiciously and blinked.

_My parents shouldn't see you!_  
_Oookaaaay?_

The unwanted visitor put off his shoes, took them in his hand and followed Hajime to his bedroom, when the latter one closed the door without a noise behind him. Same went for the one of his room.  
Putting down his stuff on the floor, Hajime noticed, that Oikawa's clothes were a little bit tight around his thighs and arms. Something which was not in the past. His beige sweater made folds around the shoulder and also the blue Jeans eagerly followed the shape of his butt and legs.  
Practising also took its toll on him.  
Not too much, just the right amount to fit him.   
Hajime cleared his throat, avoiding his gaze, as the setter started talking quietly, overcoming the uncomfortable silence between them.

"Didn't change much. Your room, I mean."  
Oikawa let his eye wander for a moment, wearing a smile full of nostalgia,  
"So your mom also left everything as it was?"

"Yours, too?"

Oikawa's quiet laughter was a valid answer.

Hajime sat down, with the back rest in front of him, crossed his arms over it and pointed to the bed. With a two-meter distance they sat there.  
Strange.  
In the past, they had often been here or at Oikawa's. Had spent a lot of time with playing games as kids, talking about volleyball later and readings magazines. Studying for Seijoh's entrance exam. Much later, studying with Hanamaki and Matsukawa for the final exams, and... they had also kissed here. 

Unsure, where their roads would lead.  
Unsure, how to give it a title - the something between them.

_They had just sat here once again, making practise plans, then Hajime noticed, that a pair of chocolate brown eyes had been tried to catch his own gaze the whole time._

_"What is it?" he had asked, "Something's in my face?"_

_And Oikawa's lip had only curled up to a beautiful, lovely smile, as he bent forward, cupping Hajime's cheek with his hand and kissing him softly._  
_The practice plans - forgotten._  
_The cold in the room, because he heater was not switched on - forgotten._  
_Everything but them - forgotten._  
_Minutes which passed, spent with showing each other affection and breathless whispers and sounds._

Hajime suppressed that last memory as fast as he could and inhaled deeply before speaking,  
"So seriously... why did you come here?"

As if he was caught red-handed, Oikawa froze instantly. His muscles were tensed from zero to hundred in seconds, and a dumb-naive grin was put on, too.

"Well... yeah..."

What should he do?  
Trying again to be honest?  
Would be the best, right?  
But face to face is so totally different from talking over phone. Not seeing each other. Not being able to read another's face expression and therefore, no way to interpret words differently from how they were spoken.

"I... I was really worried," he said quietly, fumbling nervously with his fingers on his lap. Shrugging, Oikawa avoided meeting Hajime's eyes.

"Why?" In Hajime's voice was no anger at all. Only pure curiosity for the real reason, because he did not understand. Yeah, he had given it a thought, maybe also a second. He had talked to Oikawa about his relationship problem. The escalation at the party in L.A. The whole trip. That they had fought. Physically. But that was it.  
There had not been any reason, that Oikawa should have worried more or taken more care of him?  
To be added, Hajime had dumped him today, after the funeral, more than good... Being the alone. Nothing else he had wanted.  
Why was Oikawa ignoring his wish on purpose and made himself appear right on the doormat?

His former best friend exhaled noisily and considering his now clenched fists, Hajime could get how uncomfortable he was feeling. Probably, he had suggested anything, which could happen. Knocking on his door. But not, that Hajime was so persistent about hearing him out.  
It was not, that Oikawa did not know. He knew well enough: Iwa-chan was not fine at all, so he wanted to stay by his side. That had not changed over the years... never would. Back when, he had not been able to admit this: that he wanted to stand by his side, be with him.

"W-Well... y-you know," he stammered and looked up, looking into Hajime's expecting eyes, "When you were talking on the phone... I heard, what you said..."

Hajime's eyes widened a bit. 

"I didn't want to drop ears, but... somehow I couldn't not overhear. Speaking loudly, as you did..."

For several seconds he only glanced at him and lowered than his head. Running a hand through his spiky hair, his mouth formed into a thin line.  
So that was it... the call...

"Oikawa, what... you heard..."

"You told me that things went overboard, but-"

"I didn't want to spread it," Iwaizumi interrupted him quickly and dodged his focused eyes even more.  
Kept watching the carpet, which covered the wooden floor. Trying to stay calm at all, trying to get a hold of his trembling voice. His body was already reacting to the memory of that evening. What happened.  
The fear he had felt back when and could still sense now, when he thought of the stuff, which could have happened. What all of that meant for him.

"As I said it: He was drunk and high. That's not an excuse, I know it, but it had driven him insane. Usually, he isn't like that. Until then, I didn't even know, that he had drugs with him. Maybe only once, I dunno." Gosh, was it really him, who was talking that shit? Who did he try to convince, that it was just trivial? That was so wrong!  
However, Hajime could not do otherwise... Making it to appear nonsignificant had helped him to get on his feet again. Rather standing straight, then falling into the abyss.

Oikawa's eyes narrowed more and more with each word, which left Hajime's mouth.   
Why?

"You know... that it sounds like you're protecting him? For what he had done to you?"

"I'm not protecting hin!" Hajime enraged in the blink of an eye and looks upset now - angry about himself, "Who's acting like such an asshole... he can wait a life length that I ever come back to him!"

It made Oikawa smirk a tiny bit. That was the Iwa-chan, he knew.  
Maybe he was hurt, maybe he was in pain, but he still carries his pride and had enough self-esteem that he would not give in. But the reason behind is something, Oikawa could not guess at all, yet.  
The reason why Hajime does not want to make things up with Daniel, anyway.

Being much calmer again, Hajime added now quietly,  
"It's just frustrating that... I didn't notice it sooner. The jerk he is. All these weeks... I just didn't get it."

The brunette approached closer now, standing in front of the other and went down on his knees, right next to Hajime, who was still sitting on the swivel chair, head resting onto his crossed arms.

"All these moments... I haven't noticed..."

"For example?"

His slim setter hand laid carefully on Hajime's thigh - one try for closeness, although he did not know if it was too much. But just standing by had never been an option for Oikawa at all.  
It had only been once, seeing Iwa-chan like this: then his grams died.  
Sunken shoulders, trying so hard to hold up his composure, but actually being too exhausted at all.

"Daniel's kind of being persistent... trying to get to me. At first, it was impressive. Having someone by your side who knows exactly what he wants. Choosing the right path. Still follow his intuition."

A wry smile appeared as Hajime stared at an invisible spot in front of him.

"I guess... he had been different. We had mostly good times..."

And that was true.

Daniel hat showed him, that one had to talk a lot in a relationship, invest a lot of time. That it's hard work but worth it.

"Still... every time I noticed, that our opinions were crushing against each other, I had the feeling that I should accept it. You can't always be on terms, right?"

"No, you can't..." Oikawa agreed in a low tune, listening carefully and stroking slowly Hajime's thigh. He wanted that he continued speaking... It was the first time, the he was opening his heart to him again. Something he did not want to fuck up.

"Funny... in the end I was the one who had always give in. He did so, too, but very unlikely. Changing the subject when we were talking about problems. He really has it; convincing you with facts. Finding the lack and eliminates it."

Shit... why had he let Daniel manipulate himself so much?!

"What... did he others say?" Oikawa wanted to know then, because Iwa-chan never talked about his friends' reaction.

"They accepted him. No surprise. It is easy to get along with Daniel. Talking and so. But we haven't been out much, anyway. Well, I guess they liked it, that I was with him. They almost threw me into his arms, during breaks."

Exhaling noisily, Oikawa's eyes still laid on Hajime.  
Of course, they had. They did not know that much about Iwa-chan like he did.   
Maybe... he acted differently in America than here?  
A different Iwa-chan as he had been knowing him for his life?  
Somehow it surprised Oikawa, but also shocking, to see how sensitive Hajime was at the moment. Had become? Although the self-confidence of his former best friend was still flickering like an almost died out tiny, little flame, the pressure - called his ex - which was about extinguishing it, was high. 

"Iwa-chan," Oikawa almost whispered, when Hajime came to an end, and he even paused the movement of his hand on the other's leg, "Will you... be absolute honest with me? Answering one question?"

"Which one?"

"Was it... really the first time, that he tried to force you?"

Hajime's eyes opened again and he lifted his head a bit.

"Had he... even being sober, ever tried to force you to... sleep with him or anything else?"

Shit, why was his own voice so shaky?  
The fear, that Hajime had experienced much more than Oikawa knew, crawled up from his feet and rests his sharp nails in his flesh.

In the meantime, Hajime tried to sort in the question... Being forced? No... he had not. It had always been by mutual agreement.

_"Come one! I know, you'll feel much more awake then!"_  
_"Dan, I really have to go!" He shifts his boyfriend's hand off his body._  
_"Mhm~ fifteen minutes?" Daniel set himself free and started again to wandering over the other's chest with lust. Going downward._  
_"That's okay, isn't it?"_  
_Hajime had only replied with a pant, as he felt the secure grip around his member, preparing him for the satisfaction to come._  
_No, actually he did not want this, now, but... fifteen minutes... and seeing Dan's smile..._

"No... this... this was never..."

_"Daniel, let me at least finish that paragraph first, okay?_

_Hajime turned his head to the side, bent forward, when his boyfriend snuggled up from behind and began to kiss Hajime's neckline._

  
_"You have to rewrite it anyway, because of some mistakes in content," the older one murmured, and turned Hajime's face to him by the chin, then pushing him down by the shoulder, on the couch, so he laid on his stomach._

  
_The pen, the student had held by now, fell down to the floor, rolling under the table._

  
_"I mean it, I'm behind the schedule!"_

_"I mean it, too," Daniel's voice got darker again, then he pressed his body against his lover and rubbed this his crotch against Hajime's butt,_ _"Since two hours I want to give your sweet little ass some lectures" he bent forward and was whispering in Hajime's ear,_ _"Don't worry. I'll make you feel very good."_

  
"I... I was never..."

Hajime stopped, starring at his invisible spot again, realising something, which had never crossed his mind before.

"Iwa-chan?!" Worry underlined Oikawa's voice.

"Fuck..." the other muttered and his head sunk on his arms, "What the fuck did I done?" With a sudden sarcastic laughter, he burst even more,  
"You know how freakin' fuckin' stupid I am?"  
He looked up for the first time since a few minutes and it nearly broke Oikawa's heart, seeing that bitter smile on Hajime's slightly trembling lips,  
"No surprise he thought, that I'd give him what you want on that evening. I had done so the whole time! Even if I didn't want to..."

"Iwa-chan, don't talk so low of yourself."

"But it's true! If I had kicked his ass much sooner, it wouldn't have happened!" Hajime continued and shook his head in disbelief how dumb he had been.  
"Sure, he felt invited. If I let him scooch over me and then suddenly I don't."

"Will you stop defending that arsehole?!" Oikawa burst with anger and his hand, still laying on Hajime's leg, clenched into a fist, into the tight jeans fabric below,  
"Even if so, it doesn't justify that he really wanted to force you having sex with him this time, does it?!"

Hajime lifted his head, looked into the furious, desperate eyes of his friend...  
He did not know what he should do. What he should do, that Hajime would feel better.  
He knew that expression...

"I always thought... that it wouldn't happen to me," Hajime whispered, "I should have ended it so much sooner. I should have seen it coming."

"Why... did you even agree to that relationship? Have you... been in love with him?" the setter murmured awkwardly. Because he did not want to hear the answer. On the other side, he had to. To help him.

"Somehow."

He did not intend it, but he had stabbed a knife into Oikawa's heart.

"I mean... sure, that had fallen in love with him, more or less, right?" Hajime tried to find a better explanation, but fled directly into excuses.  
He could not admit, that he was still loving Oikawa...  
"Well, but he broke up rather than being together after that... And I guess, he finally got it with that call. I'll buff out."  
  
Why did the setter make a face as if every word hurt him, which was spoken?

"Don't worry, it'll be al--- W-Wuoah?! O-Oikawa?!"

Oikawa had interrupted in his mile-a-minute talking, had straightened himself and wrapped his arms round Hajime. Holding him close, that he could not escape at all. His hands rested on Hajime's back and his head, caressing both.

The warmth, which surrounded the broken-down warrior, that comfortable, familiar smell, which lulled him in...  
His heart felt warm. His whole body.  
Safety. The cosy feeling, which was spreading from inside.

"Don't play it down!" he says quitely, almost begging, What happened to you... I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry, I couldn't be there..."

But the moment he had finally felt comfortable enough, something just hardened inside again.  
Put himself in chains and locking his heart completely up again.  
Hajime swallowed and stiffened in the embrace. Stayed as he was and did not move.

"How should you," he replied as quiet as Oikawa before, "We haven't had contact... should I jump into your arms right away?"  
Lifting his gaze, he shuffled himself out of Oikawa's arms, going back with the swiveling chair, but still looking into the other's eyes.  
"I haven't forgot what happened."

Oikawa bit his bottom lip in guilt.

"And... I haven't forgiven you, yet. And I can't say that I'm not angry at you right now, too!"

"I know that..." Oikawa's nails dug into his palms, his knuckles went even white,  
"I know that, but-"

"Oikawa, thank you" Hajime cut him off, almost immediately, "Really. The last days... that we talked, that you listened to me. Even now. But-"

"Iwa-chan, you're important to me!!"

Shit...

That had not been his intention...

Being observed with large eyes, Oikawa put on a similar look. Because he could not have controlled his tongue.  
Hajime's eyebrows knitted together.

"I'm sorry..." He paused again, breathing, "But... it's true... Back when, since... we've met. The whole time... and also today..."

Exhaling with an audible puff sound, Hajime lowered his head,  
"Oikawa, that's not the right time-"

"Yeah, I know that it isn't!" Oikawa's voice raised for a moment, only to fell in a whisper then,  
"But... you're not alright at all, and-"

"And therefore you have to give me some more?"

Glancing at Oikawa in disbelief, Seijoh's former ace gritted his teeth. He stood up, shoved the chair aside and looked at him on eye-level.

"Fuck, I can't need more shit right now, okay? I told you, that I'm still fuckin' angry with you. That I don't know how to deal with the fact that we're somehow taking like old friends, even if we aren't. How I can be myself again. Before Daniel. Before... what we had!"

The second knife stabbed into Oikawa's heart.

But everything, Hajime was feeling now, was something he could not sort out. Not yet.  
Especially, because he has only realised in what kind of toxic relationship he had been.  
That he had let himself be manipulated. Maybe even used.  
Everything came together and resulted in a huge wave of a tsunami, crushing over him. Dragging him with him. And yeah, Hajime had to admit that he was wrecked. As Oikawa concluded. 

"I'm not dumb!" the latter talked back with an upset tone, but also a hurt expression, written all over his face,  
"And you're not the only one who has to work things out!"

"Oh, of course, I forgot!" Hajime snapped sarcastically - something, he had learned during the last two years in America: sarcasm.  
Something which Oikawa had not known.  
"You've been the one, who's been seen off by his best friend with a shitty bye-bye, because he was a coward!"  
His dark green irises sparkled in anger, staring the other man down, because he still was able to recall that memory of his as colourful as it would just happen right now.  
"Fuck it, I'm so done!"

"That's not what I wanted to say! I only want to stand by your side!!"

"If that's how you're doing it: Fuck you!"

Hajime's walls had been built up. Every time he was swearing so much and loudly, he came hell or high water in defending himself.  
But the stronger he acted, the more vulnerable he was.  
Something that had not changed.

And because of that, Oikawa tried to not take it personally. Do not got into provocation, although he wanted so much.

"Okay, you're angry, I get it!"

"Congrats, but angry isn't the right description: I'm very pissed!"

"Okay, if you say so!"

"Fuck... Oikawa, I-"

But if he could not tell him, what he was feeling, then he had to show him.  
Although he had to pluck up his courage, overcome all the stuff, he was scared of, in order to step forward. One step, that had been called for long ago. That was far too late...

Hajime recognised Oikawa, who bent forward. Who grabbed him on the forearms, holding him close again, but with pressure. How his warm breath brushed his skin. How... a velvet-like pair of lips touched his.  
Soft pressure. His bottom lip slid between the other two, was welcomed and caressed with love.

Impossible...

Hajime swallowed, held his breath and needed some seconds to realise what happened. To collect his thoughts. Got back on track.  
Until he could put his hands on Oikawa's shoulder, shoving him back. Not abruptly, as the kiss has made him remembering something: these butterflies, which awaked from a long sleep in his tummy. Which he had almost forgotten.

"What... was that?" Hajime asked with almost broken voice, giving Oikawa a confused look, while he also shook his head,  
"What the hell...?!"

"I love you." And because Hajime still gazed at him as he misheard, Oikawa had a second chance to emphasise, that every word he said was meant as that and he, himself, sincere about them:

  
"I love you... Hajime..."


	10. Repressed memories [Flashback]

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> But what also was there... the strange reactions and signals, Oikawa was sending.
> 
> On the same evening, he had stayed with Iwaizumi, and they talked for hours. The ace told him about the time in Kanagawa, and Oikawa listened to him excitedly. They had laughed, joked around. And then, late at night, when they had laid down in Iwaizumi's bed, side to side, trying to catch some sleep - as it had always been - Oikawa snuggled up closer. Leaned his head on the other's shoulders. It let Iwaizumi's heart race.
> 
> On another day, they were out in the city. It was still damn hot and so they decided to grab some ice-cream from some shop.  
> Choosing little ice-cubes, flavoured with grapefruit and lemon, Iwaizumi lifted the paper cup cover and poured the first rush of the refreshing cold down his throat, when he noticed, how Oikawa gazed at him suspiciously.
> 
> "What?" he wanted to know but instead of answering, his best friend only grinned and... wiped off some droplets of the cold liquid with his thumb from Iwaizumi's lips, licking it from his finger.
> 
> "Grapefruit is better," he judged and walked on, leaving an irritated Iwaizumi behind.
> 
> Such things...

He was in for a shock the next morning. Literally.  
Almost rudely awaken in sync, Iwaizumi groaned, when he felt an awful pain running up his spine, caused by something which had hit his tibia.  
  
"Fuck, what..."

And tha is when he got startled.

First laying on the side, he rolled over to the culprit who had kicked him, and now, he was staring at the naked back of his best friend.   
His brown curls which surely framed his face, and he could only see the neckline of them. How he accepted reluctantly, that sleep was over, mumbled and then... yearned loudly, straightening up in clumsy, exhausted movements. The blanket fell from his shoulders to his waist, and a sudden cold shiver ran down his spine. But before he could complain about it, a stinging headache overpowered the poor boy and let him held his forehead.  
  
"Geez... my head..."

Iwaizumi was not able to say anything at all. He remembered hardly the last night, except... that they had started kissing eventually, had returned home... and then...   
Oh God...  
Iwaizumi's eyes glanced to the blanket with felt intuition in his gut. The blanket, which hung horizontally over the bed and barely covered their bodies, revealing naked legs and torsos. His eyes wander off, checking the room, where he noticed their spread out clothes on the floor, the ripped open condom package and a opened, empty one right next to it. Paper tissues.

Fuck... no...

"Hm?" Oikawa rubbed the back of his head, blinking and looked questioningly to Iwaizumi, "Iwa-chan?"  
He sounded surprised, but not shocked. He still did not get it.   
"What... what are you... Ah, we're at yours?" he guessed, now being aware of the familiar but still other ceiling of his best friend's room and... gazing at him with widened eyes.

  
 _Party... alcohol..._ The first things which plopped up his mind. Then... _making out_...  
  
"I-Iwa-chan... what... did happen..." The setter sat up properly now but made another sound of pain, right after, "Damn... my ass hurts..."  
  
Iwaizumi was still unable to reply.  
The eighteen-year-old only looks at his best friend with his lips pressed together.  
The chocolate brown irises stared at him, too, getting smaller... his eyes widened more... and gazed down at Iwaizumi, who was obviously naked under the sheets. Looked down on himself, naked, too.

Now he got it.

Oikawa's mouth corner lift slightly. Disbelief.

"Iwa-chan... you... I mean, I... well..."  
  
He should not say it.  
The seconds, in which they looked shocked at each other, were already enough.  
He should not say it!  
  
"To the shower," Iwaizumi murmured quickly and jumped up - not caring, that he does not wear anything. That was not the problem. They had seen each other like that more than once: as kids, in the showers after practising... but he had to leave. Needed oxygen which seemed non-existing in that room, anymore.

_Fuck..._

Leaving Oikawa like that behind, he went to the bathroom, jumped into the shower and switched it on hastily. Flinching, because he did not turn on the right temperature and the cold water shocked his body in an instant. After turning the wheel to the right warmth, he got used to the water and stared at an invisible spot of the wet tiles in front of him. Hit them with his fists.  
Why the hell did they...?  
Another piece of the still incomplete memory puzzle from last night came back: Oikawa had confessed to him...

_He told me that he loves me? That he... wants me?_

Probably, he spent more than a quarter in the bathroom, until he returned with a towel tied round his hips. When he stepped back to his room, his heart raced in an unhealthy speed. He did not know how Oikawa would react. Playing it cool? Being angry? Shocked and sad? Disappointed?  
He knew most sides of his childhood friend but this situation right now was nothing, Iwaizumi could predict. Could not take the measure of Oikawa.  
So he glimpsed cautiously to the bed at first, but the other was not sitting in it, anymore. He heard some rustling, looked to his left and saw the volleyball team's captain standing in front of him. Who grabbed his bag now, already dressed. In comparison to the moment before, he seemed much more tensed, more stressed, overly serious but on the other side he was all at the sea. Absolutely avoiding Iwaizumi's eyes.

"I go home. It's noon, and-"

"Oikawa."

"I skip the breakfast. Have homework anyway," Oikawa continued babbling, being on the hop to get out.

"Oikawa!"

"See you tomorrow."

"Fuck, wait!" Iwaizumi grabbed him by the wrist when he was already stepped over the threshold, but the taller boy broke away from him immediately as if the touch had electrocuted him. For the blink of an eye, he stared back at Iwaizumi, somehow scared, but put on his fake-smile, overwhelmed by everything,

"Let's forget it, okay? What happened... let's forget it. We were drunk and-"

"Oikawa, you conf-"

"Forget it!!" the setter cut him of with his risen voice, rushing out to the house entrance, where he slipped in his shoed and tore open the door.

That hurt even more than the moment of realisation in bed.

*****

Monday morning and as it was the same as every Monday, the did not have practise. Usually, they would have met half-way to school, today, meeting Hanamaki and Matsukawa for the last metres, too, but this time, Oikawa dumped them. Iwaizumi was not surprised at all. However, he wanted to have an explanation and not only assuming things, so he asked them about it.

"Oh? He said, he has to bring back some books to the school's library," Hanamaki answered with lifted eyebrows, "He didn't tell you?"

Iwaizumi snorted. He did not.

 _Bad excuse._

"Uh... is everything alright?"

"Yeah... you two... disappeared from the party all of a sudden?" Matsukawa added, "Did you bring him home? Oikawa was really drunk!"

"Don't wanna talk about it."

The meme pair exchanged irritated looks, and it was Makki, who tried a second time,

"Iwaizumi, if you fought-"

"We didn't!"

Seijoh's ace stomped as quickly away as the words had left his lips. Surpassing them, so he did not have to listen to his friends objections.

But concentrating of anything else than Oikawa was hard. Whether it was calcs explanation by his teacher in class or the chatting of his classmates during breaks... everything rushed past him as if he was on the highway with a too slow car. Incapable to catch up with the other drivers.

Returning book at the library... sure...  
And the fact that Oikawa did not even meet them during lunch break, only increased the anger, while the disappointment was reduced.  
Was he hiding?  
Okay... but not like this!  
Iwaizumi knew well his secret spot, where he would go. Whenever something went wrong...

He put his head in his neck, looking up to the roof of the school's main building.

There had been times, Oikawa just wanted to be alone. Withdraw into oneself, out of sight of everyone. Not wanting to speak to someone.  
Although Iwaizumi really wanted to do that - talk - he decided to go for the opposite.  
This time, he would Oikawa have his loneliness.  
But tomorrow... after practice...

*****

  
"Oi, Shittykawa! What the fuck are you up to?" Iwaizumi's voice pierced loudly through the quiet atmosphere, which was only interrupted by balls, smashed on the court, heavy pants and show squeakings. But right now, everyone felt silent as they had not heard their ace yelling like that for quite some time, "Since when you sets are such a bullshit?" He had missed an attack because of the too quick toss. Nothing to be so angry about, right?  
Oikawa pouted and looked aside.

"You were just too late, Iwa-chan!"

"What?"

Becoming even more upset - mostly, because Oikawa tried to dodge his presence the best he could, wanted to avoid talking about the fact that had had sex - he stomped to the captain.

"I-Iwaizumi-senpai!" Kindaichi wanted to pull him back, but their number four was not impressed by that attempt at all and set himself free easily.

"You were too late!" Oikawa repeated stubbornly and shrugged, already back to his position.

"You're fucking asshole!"

"Hey, what's up with you two?" they were interrupted by their coach Mizoguchi and walked up to them, "Are you so eager to doing some extra runs? Just go, outside, now! Ten rounds!"

Great...

Iwaizumi snarled but made his way out of the gym without any objection. When he even was held back by Makki for a second, he just waved it off, offended.  
Oikawa followed, while the other of their time were watching in disbelief. That was a first, seeing both - captain and vice-captain - doing the penalty run. Their senpais. _Both_.

*****

  
"You know, it pisses me off, how you're acting," Iwaizumi said when they were finished with the tenth round, almost on the same level. Like always.  
"D'you think you're the only one, feeling like shit?"

Oikawa did not reply to that accusation, either. He went to the water basin, switching on the tap and breathed in deeply, before his head meets the cold water jet.

"Wanna pull it off 'til graduation?"

"I don't know, what you're talking about," his best friend finally reacts, switching off the tap again.

Enough.

Iwaizumi gritted his teeth, overcame the distance between them and grabbed the collar of Oikawa's t-shirt, when he was about straightening up.

"Stop fucking around with me!" he yelled - a mixture of wrath and disappointment... sadness... " _You_ were the one of us, confessing his love!!"  
Oikawa's brown irises widened in shock. "Don't give me that look! Don't act like _you_ are the one who's suffering!"

"That... wasn't on purpose... what had happened," the setter mumbled, finally, lowering his gaze ruefully, "I didn't want... I just didn't want to ruin our friendship."  
Iwaizumi paused, releases his grip a bit. His eyebrows knitted together. "I just don't want to lose you, Iwa-chan!!"  
For the first time since that special morning, Oikawa looked up to him, looked him properly into the eyes with his own, drenched in pain, sorrow and angst.   
"You're my best friend... and I don't wanna... lose you. You're the most important person in my life!!"

His anger-filled green eyes softened.

  
_Fuck..._

He let go of him,  
"Oikawa... I... I..." Making a little step backwards, Iwaizumi understood, that it was not much different for the setter. That he had also pondered. Did not want any negative changes in their friendship. Only his way to do this was so much different from Iwaizumi's. And with that, Iwaizumi had been unable to deal with. 

Oikawa swallowed down the rising lump in his throat and smoothed down the crumpled folds in his shirt.

"That's why... I want to forget it..."

"..."

The two boys stand in front of each other in silence, lost in their very own thoughts.

"If you can do this..." the ace replied quietly then, gazing down to his feet. He could not, "But... shouldn't you at least think about the reason, _why_ you did this? Oikawa, I... I won't hate it if you're-"

"It's impossible!" the questioned one interrupted him immediately, clenching his fists to his sides.

"What do you mean?"

"It's impossible for me... I... I simply don't get it. Why I'm feeling like this. Therefore... please... don't let us talk about it anymore, until I know."

Iwaizumi's shoulders dropped visibly. It was pointless. He could not force Oikawa to figure it out with him. And if he does not want, that this might be their last conversation...

"Okay," he agreed, forcing his calm, "Then... we'll forget it."

"Thanks..." Oikawa's exhalation was almost in relief.  
  


*** * ***

The atmosphere changed back to normal, as it had been before. Oikawa, doing his stupid jokes. Iwaizumi, replying to them with smacking the handsome boy's head and also the practice gained its usual routine. Everything was back to normal. 

At least this was the impression they want to cover. Because in the few moments, they were not watched, for example during classes or at home, that kind of normality dropped immediately:  
Oikawa was more thoughtful than ever, almost absent-minded, whereas Iwaizumi looked much more preoccupied and... nervous. Their facial expressions were tensed, their posture stiff. When they were sitting together with Hanamaki and Matsukawa, studying at home, one peeked for second to the other - whenever they felt safe to do so. However, if they caught each other like that, they would act as if it had not happened.

The game was on for three weeks. Three weks, and Iwaizumi's nerves were raw. So much, that he kicked against an empty coke tin, on his way home. Energetically, always in front of his feet. Like a little boy, who was upset about something.

"Hey, what crawled up your ass and died?" Hanamaki wanted to know, who accompanied him on the Monday afternoon from school, and lifted his thin eyebrows,  
"Well... either you're totally zoned out, or you're capable of chewing up logs of wood and spitting chips."

"It's... nothing!" Iwaizumi denied with a snort, "Shittykawa just pisses me off!"

"Oikawa? What... did he do this time?"

Iwaizumi's green eyes laid on the taller guy, walking next to him and he noticed, that it was not only himself, who was upset. Since that party, they really had not made it easy for their friends, too. Looking in front of him again, he put his hands in his pockets and shrugged,  
"The usual."

"Well... lemme get straight: Since the party you two act like a stupid high school couple!" the mostly cheerful one started grumbling now, "You put in your efforts to hide it, but seriously... when you two had a fight, it was much easier, dealing with you. Oikawa's faked good mood is as bad as your way to shake things off. And none of you two wanna give us an explanation?!"  
  
"None... of _us_?" Iwaizumi repeated with a skeptical look on his face.

"Yeah, neither him, nor you. Mattsun and I are on the edge and will jump by tomorrow, if you don't make up!"

"Say, are you spying on us?"

"We're trying, yeah."

Iwaizumi rolled his eyes and emitted the air with a large puff. It figured!  
Staying silent for another moment, he decided to give it a try, finally,  
"Oikawa...well... at the party... something _did_ happen."

"Mattsun, wait!!"

He swallowed down the rest of his words immediately and turned into a pillar of salt, as that familiar whining voice reached his ears.  
Only then, not only Matsukawa appeared right in front of them, but moreover a shocked Oikawa.

"Iwaizumi, is it true, that you had a fight at the party, because Oikawa had been together with some drunken girls?"  
...  
The ace looked at them in disbelief, when his lips pursued. Exchanging a puzzled look with Matsukawa, who was somehow relieved to have found something, which was an explanation for the awkwardness between Seijoh's dream pair.  
Even, if Iwaizumi did not turn his head in his direction, he gave his best friend a side glance, and his lips formed the follow-up question mixed with a dangerous sharp tone:  
  
" _That's_ what you told him?"  
  
Oikawa, first stumbling after Matsukawa, had stayed still like Iwaizumi, but now gulped. He had not expected Mattsun to check the validity of his testimony and therefore, such a bad timing, he had to cross roads with Makki and Iwaizumi, now. To avoid such a coincidental meeting, he had even changed his way home. 

"So, it isn't true?" Matsukawa gave his captain a scolding look. 

" _That's_ what he said?" Hanamki called out, too, and his best friend nodded.

" _Definitely that_. He said, Iwaizumi had been so angry since he caught him with the girls."

The two friends stared down their ace, who still had his eyes laid on Oikawa. A cynical smirk curled up his lips. A _you're so dead_ smirk. Or was it an _I'm really disappointed with you_ smirk?  
The setter could not figure it out, but before further analyses took place, Iwaizumi took off his eyes of him and started walking again.  
  
"Yeah, that's what happened," he simply stated in his dry tone, not giving the slightest hint of a lie, "After I had looked for him, I found him with these chicks in the backyard."  
The eyes of the others widened - especially Oikawa's.  
  
 _Iwa-chan, what are you saying?  
_  
"But either Shittykawa was too drunk, so he went blank, or he's just a big coward to admit that he had a shitty one-night stand."

And with that, Iwaizumi left them.  
His revenge. Done.

"O-Oikawa, you had-?"

"N-No! I didn't!"

"Shit... that's not true, is it?"

"Of course not!! Hey! Iwa-chan!!"

He could shout after him as much as he wanted. Did not matter.  
He was royally pissed.

  
"Iwa-chan!!"  
  
Iwaizumi continued walking - at least as long as he was pulled back roughly by his forearm, being turned around, so he had to see an angry Oikawa into the eyes,

"Why are you talking shit?"

"You're the one to talk," Iwaizumi fired back coldly, "Seems, you're so shit-scared, that you're rather pretending you had made out with one of those bitches."  
  
"Ooookay, get your hands off of each other!" Hanamaki suddenly got between them, shoving his captain by the shoulders aside, as Matsukawa was doing the same with the outer hitter.

"It's okay, I'm done anyway!" Iwaizumi broke himself free with enthusiasm and turned on his heels. He was convinced, that Oikawa would not follow. That he had dumped him, successfully. But he was wrong. His best friend took the same path, Iwaizumi had decided before, and stomped after him. So the smaller one fastened his steps.

He could not be arsed anymore.  
He could not be arsed anymore, listening to that shit!

"Why are you in such a bad mood, if you're done?" he heard Oikawa's peeved voice behind him, but did not reply, "I'm talking with you!" Being grabbed by his wrist, which peeked out of his uniform jacket's pocket, he set himself free for the third time by some reflexe but looking up to the other... it was not a desperate expression which awaited Iwaizumi, now, but pure wrath.  
In such a strength he had only known if it was about _Ushiwaka-chan_ or _Tobio-chan_ , but never about him. It was irritating.

"Oh, you're talking with me?" Iwaizumi snarled totally composed, remembering his own frustration over the last weeks, and came closer,  
" _You're_ talking with me?"  
A few pedestrians turned their heads in surprise - why were two students from the prestigious private school _Aoba Johsai_ about assaulting each other?  
"The fuck you do!! I'm talking shit?? Put on your thinking cap who's the shit-head or have you already pushed it back of your mind?"

"What do you mean?" Oikawa asked sternly.

"Your _one-night stand_?"

Okay... now he had to swallow hard, and looked Iwaizumi in the eyes, almost hurt. As if he could not agree about that label. As if...

"This surely wasn't anything else for you, if you can't even talk about it!"

"Iwa-chan..."

"Don't Iwa-chan me, okay? I'm sick of your excuses and... these looks!" Iwaizumi cut him off, his undertone showing pain, "What happened... maybe, it was because of the alcohol, but I thought... I thought that I'd be worth enough - as your _best friend_ \- that you would speak to me, at least once. Only _once_! It wasn't just a fucking kiss, Oikawa! And I'm done with nothing!"

"I know this!" Oikawa murmured, looking aside and having his fists clenched, "But... didn't you agree that we wouldn't?"

"Yeah, but I didn't expect that you were watching the whole time during lunch break or practise, secretly!" 

"B-But..."

"I see that!" Iwaizumi added, "You're looking at me as if you want to tell me something, again and again. If you don't want to, stop it. But like that... it's like you're just fucking with me!"

"You're... you're not the one speaking!" the other boy now just turning into defense, craning his neck, "You're just the same!"

"Huh" Iwaizumi sounded quiet, as if Oikawa was not right in the head, "Because you started it?"

"I didn't!"

"Great, then tell me if you can remember what you have confessed to me, before we had sex?"

For the blink of an eye, Oikawa flinched about the volume, Iwaizumi had spoken. Swallowing. Nobody seemed to overhear, even if the ace's voice resonated so loudly in his ears.  
But he did not. He did not yell. It was just such an uncomfortable talk, that it seemed to be like that.

"W-What?"

"When we stood in the backyard. When you said to me that I would hate you. What you said to me."

Oikawa's face expression went blank.

"I-I... I really don't know, what you...?!"

Iwaizumi stared at him, lack of words. He looked for some excuses, lies, pretending in the brown eyes, but... nothing... absolutely nothing... It was the truth.  
He... really did not know it.  
Those three words... Oikawa had forgotten.  
Not, that hey had kissed. Not, that they had slept with each other, but the desperate _I love you_.  
He shook his head. Impossible... Going pale from one minute to another, Oikawa blinked at him perplexed and also concerned,

"I-Iwa-chan... a-are you alright...?!"  
  
He felt sick.  
For whatever reason... he felt so damn sick.  
  
"Iwa-chan!!"

Who was the idiot?  
He had the feeling, that it was not Oikawa but him...

*** * *  
  
**

  
Vacations were close. A good chance to get back to normal.  
So fucking normal that they almost forgot it for real. 

Iwaizumi went with his parents to Kanagawa to visit some relatives. Oikawa stayed in Miyagi, had to keep an eye on the house, because his parents had decided to travel to Hokkaido. Without him.

It were about eight weeks, they would not be able to see each other or having further contact, because Iwaizumi was busy with various things during the summer time, he may should be able to relax: helping with the melon harvest of his great great aunts (or whatever the real relation status was). Helping with organising the village's festival and the float. Occupying his younger great cousins etc., etc.  
There was not much time, when he was for himself and start pondering.  
In the country there was almost no cell reception and the television with his evening programme was the only connection to the outer space called _the world_.  
Actually, he enjoyed this. Spending the evenings with the calming sounds of the cicadas in the garden or in the fields. Got bitten by one or two mosquitos and experiencing the fireflies magic down the riverside. However, although he was so separated from the rest of his usual life, his though were revolving around that brunette, arrogant seeming idiot, who was his best friend. Aware of it or not. He could not help it. Just one minute in silent and his own mind seemed to go insane. 

*****

"What keeps your furrow so occupied, my dear?" the great great aunt asked one day, "I may have a bad hearing but my eyes are still as sharp as an eagle's."  
Iwaizumi sat on the terrace, had his five-year-old great cousin (he was not sure about it) with him and was about reading out loud her favourite book - he had memorised it by heart right now. The adventure of the little unicorn Nara were cute but... not for his liking! Why it was not about Godzilla? At least he had had some fun with the story, too...  
But looking up now, when the elder woman approached him once little MIki had go inside to pee, he sighed and put his lips into a thin line,

"Nothing... I... just had a fight with my best friend."

"You don't talk with each other anymore?"

Iwaizumi thought about it, his eyebrows knitted and he looked at his naked feet, which dangled from the heightened terrace, directed to the ground beneath them,  
"... somehow. But... It feels like we're not getting along anymore."

"Then you should write him a letter?"

The boy looked at her skeptically and had to laugh helplessly,  
"I'm not good at writing letters. I'm even bad at writing postcards."

"Writing letters isn't as difficult as you may thing. You just have to let your thoughts and emotions run free. Write down, what you can't say or where you think, you're misunderstanding each other" the old lady objected with a knowing smile and... smacked him on his head with her folded newspaper, because he kept frowning. Not suiting for a young boy like him.  
"And if you're insecure, whether you should send him this letter, you could still burn it at Obon. How about that?"

"... I think about it."  
  
Miki came back at that moment and tugged at the sleeve of her grandmother's kimono, whining, that they did not have any ice-cream... and she wanted some as it was so hot!

"We can buy some tomorrow, Miki-chan."

"But!!" the girl grizzled with her little pigtails and shoved out her bottom lip.  
Iwaizumi supported himself on the wood of the floorboards and stood up,

"Then... Let's buy something now, okay? For everyone! I'll borrow the freeze bag!"

*****

Obon... two more days until the festival. 

When it got dark, the family sat in the living room, chatting and laughing, Iwaizumi had crawled up in the former study room of the grandfather and sat on the old chair in front of the ebony wooden escritoire. He had a sheet of paper in front of him and the pen in his hand, but only stared down the white blank paper, which was tinted yellow because of the old lightbulb of the desklamp next to him.

Writing letters... something he had not done before.

There had not been one single letter, he had wanted to write voluntarily. Except the ones for his mother during elementary school. Mother's day.  
Or the ones during his first year in middle school, writing letters to their future selves.  
... he should look for it, when he was back home.

But writing a letter to another person... an _important_ person... no... never...  
Sighing, he started with the formal "及川徹へ" ... was that right?

He knew that letters mostly started with formal lines. Like "It is really hot, recently" or "The summer cicadas' singing the most beautiful lullabies".  
Going on, one asked about the other's condition and finally presented the real letter's content. Then some closing sentence and a greeting.  
  
He blinked.

Now, as he had started traditional vertically... should he have written from left to right? Western style? Well... the great great aunt had given him that kind of paper on specific purpose.  
"Paper doesn't blush and that one here has already experienced a lot" she had said.  
  
He sighed again.

Letting his mind and emotions run free... how... could he do this?

With pondering expression, Iwaizumi started to form syllable after syllable.  
His handwriting was not pretty, just a typical boy's handwriting, but it was readable, though. He had always envied Oikawa for his girlish lines, and in caligraphy, Oikawa had always had the better grades of them...  
His hand held the pen very stiff, but the more he wrote the more he could relax the grip. At the beginning Iwaizumi still heard the voiced outside the room and the cicadas, but soon not even the scratching on the paper's surface bothered him anymore.

_For Oikawa Tooru-_

_The last days and nights were very hot, even for Japan's circumstances._   
_Every evening you can hear the cicadas and you are a lucky man if you do not have one in your room. How have you been?_   
_In not even seven days school is starting again, the second of the last three trimester, and we did not even talk to each other._   
_That I am writing to you, was not my idea. My great- ... aunt advised me to and I try. I am not the passionate letter writer, but I want to try it because it really upsets me, that we are not getting along as we had before..._

_Especially during the last weeks I noticed how much I miss it to spend time with you.  
I had to harvest melons. I had to catch many bugs with my cousins. I laid in the grass and gazed at the stars. I swam in the river and had caught fished with my bare hands. I watched the fireflies, how the glowed. I am sitting here in the former study room of my great- ... - uncle and write this letter, listening to the cicada's humming.   
In two days it is Obon._

_Nothing of that I can share with you. Not like in the past, when we were kids and spent our vacations together. Going to summer festivals and so on.  
And it makes me angry.  
_

_I still do not get it, why we could not be honest with each other. I do not get it, how you did forget what you told me. You said, you cannot remember and I believe you. But I know it for the better and that is, what hurts so much and what upsets me.  
Because you said to me, that you love me. You have looked me into the eye, wanted to escape before, but I forced you to say it again: that you love me.  
Not you were the one who started it. It was me._

_I kissed you. That is why I did not want to let you go.  
Now you know it._

_Not only because of the reason that you were the first person, telling me this, but because it was you.  
And you are an arsehole.  
_ _Arrogant, full of yourself, but from the inside filled with insecurities and self-doubts.  
_ _  
You are overworking yourself constantly, do not know when to call it an end are you are inconvincible.  
But you are a great setter.  
You are my partner, whom I am proud of.  
You are an excellent captain and nothing can deceive your eyes._

_Why you kept watching me the whole time after...  
Why I looked back. Because when I looked at you, you looked away and I did not feel so seen through.  
There is not another person who can do this to me or tries, but you are different.  
I suggest that you can see right through me the same way, I can see through you._

_Do you know now, why I enjoyed it that much, sleeping with you?  
It was not good for both of us. You were totally tensed, and I am really sorry that I caused you pain, but at that moment, we were so opened up for each other and even talked without words...  
Spoke out the words we wanted to say - in silence...  
_ _You showed me a side of yours, which could not be more honest.  
I showed you a side of mine, which would nobody else be able to see._

_And that is why I am so angry._

_I wanted that we could open up to each other once more._

_Talking honestly with each other.  
_ _Even, if you cannot remember, is there not a single feeling inside?  
Do you feel nothing? That is not to believe._

_We have been through so much... have experienced so much.  
We trust each other like we trust nobody else.  
Still, it is not enough that you can tell me, that you love me._

_I am angry, Tooru.  
_ _Hurt. Disappointed._

_When you were drunk, you could say it..._

_Why you cannot, now?_

_Why did our paths separate because of that?  
However, when I see you_

  
Iwaizumi stopped, paused the writing and... felt, how a tear ran over his cheek, fell down. On the paper. Fuck.

He was still so madly in love as he had been on the first day.  
He still wanted him so much. 

Nothing had changed.

The last one and a half years were only procrastination. Nothing more. He had procrastinated, but since that evening he had given in, he could not suppress his feelings anymore.

Iwaizumi wiped the tears off and made a full stop to the sentence, although it should have a few more words. Signing with his name, he put the pen aside.  
Folding the paper together and into the envelope, which he had addressed beforehand, because it had been easier than the actual writing. Glueing the envelope, he would burn it,b nevertheless. At Obon. Simply as that.

But his head felt a bit more at ease, now. Of course his thoughts were still heavy but at least more organised than before.  
With the third sigh, he stands up, shoves the chair back at the desk and left the room, switching off the light.  
But things would not go as he had planned them...

*****

"Miki-chan, you come with me? To the post-office?"

His mother asked the five-year-old, as she had to run some errands - and prevent the child to be too hyped in the evening, not being able to sleep.

"Oooh yes! Wait! I'll take my cards!" the girl replied with a bright smile and Iwaizumi, who sat on the couch in the living room, drinking some homemade lemonade, lifted his gazed, as she disappeared into her permanent guestroom. Because she visited her grandmother more than once a month, they had furnished it for her long ago.

"Hajime, we'll be back in two hours," his mother announced and he nodded.  
  
When the door closed, the happily babbling Miki with his mother outside, silence started to hover over him.

Silence.

How nice.

The rest of the family was not here, either. Went out with the grandmother - as his father did - or working in the garden.

Totally silence.

He stood up from the couch, walked to his room, to take the book, he had brought with him on this family trip but paused as he was passing the drawer in the corridor.  
Wait... did he not... did he not put the letter here? The one, he wanted to burn tomorrow, at the Obon festival?   
Iwaizumi peeked behind the furniture, looked beneath but there was none envelope to be seen.  
Had he put it into his travel bag?  
With hasty steps he returned to the room, riffling through the bag, but... nothing.  
Then... a thought crossed his mind.

He ran to the door, tore it open, however... his mother had taken the car. Damn it... 

He could only hope that the letter would not arrive. Somehow.  
Maybe disappearing on its way.  
And if it would arrive...  
Maybe Oikawa would not read it.

...

He was doomed.

So doomed.

*** * ***

  
With that bad feeling in his guts, he returned home with his family, eventually.  
Only some more days before he had to go to school again.  
And it was his best friend, who appeared out of the blue on his doorstep.  
Iwaizumi went pale in an instant and could not make any sound.  
None of surprise. None of shock. Nothing.  
Only staring at him.

Oikawa shifted his feet from left to right and looked up, lifting his lowered, voluminous lashes.  
  
"I... thought through this," the setter started reluctantly, rubbing his neck, "I know that I have acted like shit and... I'm sorry. Really. Also... that I can't remember.... Well..."

What happened?  
Did he... read the letter?  
Was it that?  
"But what I said... it's true. I don't wanna lose my best friend."

Whatever it was, that made Oikawa come up to him... it counted that he did.  
Iwaizumi's heart was released from a huge weight. Suddenly, he could breathe again. Better.  
And when he looked at him, seeing that helpless, honest smile on his lips. How his brown irises were glimmering in the sunlight...  
He took a step forward, wrapped his arms round the taller guy and pulled him close. And even Oikawa rested his hands on the other's shoulder blades.

The familiar closeness. The warmth. The comfortable scent... finally there, again.

*****

But what also was there... the strange reactions and signals, Oikawa was sending.

On the same evening, he had stayed with Iwaizumi, and they talked for hours. The ace told him about the time in Kanagawa, and Oikawa listened to him excitedly. They had laughed, joked around. And then, late at night, when they had laid down in Iwaizumi's bed, side to side, trying to catch some sleep - as it had always been - Oikawa snuggled up closer. Leaned his head on the other's shoulders. It let Iwaizumi's heart race.

On another day, they were out in the city. It was still damn hot and so they decided to grab some ice-cream from some shop.  
Choosing little ice-cubes, flavoured with grapefruit and lemon, Iwaizumi lifted the paper cup cover and poured the first rush of the refreshing cold down his throat, when he noticed, how Oikawa gazed at him suspiciously.

"What?" he wanted to know but instead of answering, his best friend only grinned and... wiped off some droplets of the cold liquid with his thumb from Iwaizumi's lips, licking it from his finger.

"Grapefruit is better," he judged and walked on, leaving an irritated Iwaizumi behind.

Such things...

As if... Oikawa was about being offensive. As if he wanted to experiment how much he could bring Iwaizumi's core to burn - with success.  
On another day, after they had been out for a run and finished at the lake, the brunette had the spontaneous idea to jump in.

"We don't have clothes to change!" Iwaizumi declined, but only saw a pouting face for that.

"And? I've seen all of you before!"

That had brought a dark crimson to the aces face.

When Iwaizumi was laying in his bed at night, he really did not know how to evaluate these things. It was not only about his actions... his eyes spoke volumes. His amazing chocolate brown eyes, which sparkled at Iwaizumi. How his mouth corner lifted. How he ran his hand through his hair, through the rebellious curls. How pure his smile could be. Not fake. So soft.  
As soft as Oikawa knew how to touch Iwaizumi's hand or shoulder from time to time. Caring. How his breath hovered over Iwaizumi's skin, when he leaned over whose shoulder.  
It was nice. As if... Oikawa accepted Iwaizumi's feelings. As if he could accept his own feelings, as well? At moments like this, Iwaizumi did not ask. He enjoyed it and... maybe that was a mistake? Not figuring out things, but enjoying the closeness?

Enjoying it so much... that he held his eyes closed, when Oikawa bent over him on one summer afternoon, and thought, that Iwaizumi was taking a nap. The shorter male's heart raced, feeling the other's warmth which lulled him in. Oikawa, closer to him, kneeling above him. His curls tickling Iwaizumi's cheek and making him flinch a bit.  
His best friend suppressed a mild chuckle.

"Iwa-chan, are you awake?"

_Don't answer!_

Seconds passed...

"Then... I can do this..."

Oikawa's voice was only a soft mumbling, that a warm shiver was sent down Iwaizumi's spine. Like velvet...

_Say it once once... say my name..._

"You're playing games with me?" Oikawa's dark melody resonated again, when he finally touched Iwaizumi's lips with his own.

A kiss.

A long, still held kiss... nothing more.

After that episode, it was hard for Iwaizumi not thinking different of Oikawa. Why he came so close and kissed him, if he did not want anything else than friendship?  
He decided, to clarify their problems once and for all. Call him out on it. Just that once.  
And only two more day until back-to-school.

*

They sat in the living room at Oikawa's. His parents had not returned yet, and the two boys were repeating the stuff from school, which will await them during the first week's tests.  
Totally focused, Iwaizumi rubbed his neck - at least he tried to be concentrated. Because instead of filling his head with mathematics, he had to suppress the urge to glance over to Oikawa over and over again. Who shoved back the glasses on the back of his nose and yawned.

"Melon would be great!" the setter mumbled, putting the pen aside.

"Yeah... my head aches," his best friend agreed and sighed, "Do you have ice-cream? Something to cool down?"

"Mhm~ dunno." Oikawa gave him a side glance.

"A kingdom for making that sticky feeling disappear in my mouth. Midsummer sucks," Iwaizumi murmured and unintended, he had flicked a switch in the captains mind, who felt just courageous enough now, to speak out what he had thought the whole time:

"Iwa-chan~ I wanna do it!"

"W-What?" Iwaizumi's eyes shot shocked at him, who looked excited but also in yearning and somehow also cheeky at him. That had been so promptous that he did not know what to say or think about it!

The seconds of surprise were exactly the ones Oikawa needed and he had crawled from his side of the table to Iwaizumi's corner, kneeling in front of him and gazing down at the other.

"C-Come on... we still have stuff to do!" the outer hitter tried to avoid the eye contact but felt Oikawa's lips immediately on his own, how his tongue shoved inside the cavity und leaving him breathless, heavy panting escaping his throat.   
So passionate... like... at the party. That longing behind his lips' movements.  
But they were totally sober now and Oikawa was eating him alive, out of the blue?

His wiry hands stroked Iwaizumi's chest, touching the fine shape, over his clavicular, showing beneath his thin t-shirt. Over his pectorals and touching the nipples, which made Iwaizumi flinch. Going downward to his tensed abs.

"Gosh... and how I wanna do it, how I wanna do you," Oikawa murmured, looking Iwaizumi muddled into his eyes, before he kissed him a second time.   
But as shocked as the shorter guy was, he did not want to end it.  
He had not ask for an answer for nothing. Not forcing him to answer for nothing. Not cutting Oikawa off for nothing - when he confessed.  
And just as little, he had not accepted all the touches and the tiny kisses recently for nothing.

His buckle tightened for a moment, but got losen then and his button of Iwaizumi's jeans plopped through its hole. The zipper was pulled down slowly.

"Iwa-chan... please... let me..."

Oikawa's hand slid down from the other's stomach and left goosebumps beneath the navel, so Iwaizumi had to bite his lips to suppress a quiet moan.

_Fuck... is he really...?!_

Panting, when the fingertips moved down the fabric of his boxers, Iwaizumi felt them touching his length in a long stroke, embracing it and caressing softly the hot flesh.

Oikawa had ended the recent kiss, gazed down with lowered eyelids where his hand was, really turned-on, really... sexy.

"I only kissed you, and you're already that hard?" he whispered, making Iwaizumi blush when he take out whose cock and stroking with his thumb up and down, "Did... it turn you on, too, when I kissed you last time? Did you pretend sleeping because of that?"

The dark-green eyes of the spiker widened.

  
 _He noticed?  
_  
  
Without a warning, the taller boy bent down, so Iwaizumi let out a shocked "O-Oikaw-aah!", ending in a louder moan, because his best friend's lips wrapped around him and taking him in deep. He felt the warmth, the wetness, the strong muscle of that tongue, which began to tease him.

"Mhm~" the setter only made as a sound, licking the shaft slowly to the top. Tapping with his tongue the tip and the penile frenulum, while keeping his eyes with a lewd expression on Iwaizumi's who did not fail to blush madly, now.

Fuck... why... why was he so hot?

Iwaizumi swallowed hard, but could not stop the blood rushing down his cock and making it twitch and become bigger in Oikawa's hand.

"I knew that you'll like it," Oikawa only smirked, kissing the cock appreciatively and intensely.

"Fuck... be... be quiet," the receiving one snarled and pressed his fist against his lips to make himself stop from moaning.

"I'll be in any second!" his friend laughed and started to fulfill the promise with bobbing his head up and down, sucking strongly and then softly. It was just the right amount of strength and speed, so Iwaizumi fell back, supporting himself on his forearms and putting the head in his neck. Groaning and even spreading his legs. He was sure, Oikawa had not experience in giving blow-jobs but the hell... he was damn good! How he kneeled between his legs. How he even gave him a cock massage with his hand and then stroking back to his balls, kneading with carefully and teasing his perineum with his index finger. 

"Nghn... ahh..." If he continues, he'll come soon!! "O-Oikawa, I-I-!!"

Iwaizumi's fingers were clenched in the brunette curls, and he had his difficulties to hold it together totally, now. But fortunately - or not - Oikawa let go, looking up to his best friend.  
When their eyes met, Iwaizumi noticed, how nervous the other was, actually. A little bit of fear, a little bit of uncomfortableness, but... also love and lust. A soft smile...

"I want you, Iwa-chan. _Hajime_... I want... to feel you inside."

Iwaizumi's heart skipped a beat, and he held his breath. Being on eye-level now, Oikawa's warm hands cupped his cheeks

"I want to sleep with you," Oikawa spoke his mind, sincerely.

Blinking, the ace tried to get a grip of his thoughts which were spinning as he was still like in fever, totally hot and turned-on.

"O-Oikawa... the last time..."

The arms of the other wrapped round Iwaizumi's body, pulling him close. He leaned in to his ear, so his hot breath tickled his skin.

"I want you... so much... Iwa-chan. _Please_." 

Oikawa... pleading... It gave him chills, got his hackles up. God... how should he resist?  
After all the little scenes, recently? And... would it be so wrong to give him?

They already crossed a line.

For multiple times.

Biting his bottom lip and giving a deep hum, Iwaizumi pushed himself against him, dragging Oikawa by the back of his head and let their lips collide like a thunderstorm.  
Pushing him to the floor on his flat back. Taking off his pants with hasty movements and only for a brief moment they parted, so the setter could pull off his shirt.  
Iwaizumi's vigilant eyes wander over the attractive body of the other, feeling the upcoming heat and how much he really wanted to eat him alive. So beautiful...

Also stripping off Oikawa's boxers, his hard cocked jumped off, letting Iwaizumi be surprised. It had him made so hard, to give him that blow-job?  
Kicking off the pants from the ankles, he got help by Oikawa's strong hands which took off Iwaizumi's shirt as well and starting to discover his spine carefully.  
"Let's... go to my room..." Oikawa murmured between the kisses, pulled him up, and they stumbled all lovedrunk through the corridor, into Tooru's room. He had left the futon in the morning on the floor, so they just sank down on it.

"Have you-"

"Drawer" Iwaizumi was cut off, and he searched with his hands to the nightstand, fumbling blindly with the drawer and getting a tube of lube.

"Since when do you-"

"Don't ask."

_Interesting._

A crooked smile appeared on Iwaizumi's lips as he gave some lube inside his palm, noticing the telling redness on Oikawa's cheeks.

"How often?" he murmured, bending down to the brunette.

"A few times the week," the setter admitted quietly.

"You like it?"

"Only, if it's Iwa-chan. I... imagined you, doing this to me." An embarrassed grin. Iwaizumi blushed, too.

"I'm your personal jizz mag?"

"Don't express it like it's something pervert!" Oikawa complained, "When I do this... just, because the thought of you, doing it, turns me extremely on..."  
Swallowing hard, looking into these eyes which tells him to go on, continuing, his fingers caressed the shape of the other's hole. "Do it... _please_..."

"Okay..."

Carefully, Iwaizumi shoved his finger in, overcoming the light resistance and just like that, Oikawa's sweet moan reached his ear. Beautiful.

"And... how do I do this?" he wanted to know now, licking the other's auricula, while his fingers moved for- and backward.

"Straight with three," Oikawa gulped.

"And... you do this like that on your own, too?"

"Y-Yes..."

"Who's the perv, now?" Iwaizumi muttered, but also feeling the increasing arousal in his gut. With some courage he did, as he had been told, using two more fingers - how easy! It seemed so, Oikawa really had fingered himself often enough...  
But these tunes which resonated in the room, sounded more like _firsts_.  
Overstimulation, mixed with surprise which was caused by the feelings he had never felt before.  
He watched the boy beneath him, his features, how his face expression changes, his red cheeks and how his lips were pressed together. How he tilted his head to one side and the other, panting. His adam's apple was bobbing, his fingers clenched in Iwaizumi's naked shoulders.

Oikawa noticed how hard it was for him to stay calm. Not going further too soon.  
How much he tried of keeping his control. Being patient. And as Oikawa gained some of his own control back, supporting himself on the futon with his arms, he got closer. Looking into Iwaizumi's eyes, gazing at his lips, and again into his green irises which had some glimmer in them.

"Iwa-chan... you want me, too... I can see that..."

And suddenly, Oikawa's hand closed around the other's member, rubbing is gently against his own.  
  
"And I feel it."

 _  
Fuck...  
_  
"Iwa-chan... don't you... wanna sleep with me?" 

Iwaizumi held his breath. Again, Oikawa read his thoughts. As he always did.  
Because his voice played just like that: a seductive song, triumphant, because he was right. Having him literally in his hands...

_"Hajime..."_

_Unfair.  
Such an unfair jerk. _

Iwaizumi's fingers left the setters inner walls, who whined about the sudden emptiness, but whose legs were pushed apart right after. He looked down on his best friend, having him pushed flat down, once more.  
  
"You... really want it, huh?" Oikawa's smile was answer enough. "You know exactly that I won't be gentle."

"I don't want it otherwise, Iwa-chan."  
  
Resting relaxed in with his head on the cushion, they had some respectable distance to each other now, and Oikawa was able to watch him in all his beauty.  
Something, he had been enjoying for ages: looking at Iwaizumi.  
When they were kids and he had been catching bugs so enthusiastically. When he tried to play volleyball together, for the first time. During middle school, being in the same class and Iwaizumi was pondering about some exam's questions. During high school, when Iwaizumi spiked his sets with such an amazing body posture or... when the water ran its circles round his perfect shape in the showers. But these were the memories, Oikawa had kept for himself. The smile changed to a smirk - which got Iwaizumi startled a bit.

"Because... I really want to feel you... Everything of you..."

A turned-on snarl left Iwaizumi's throat, and he reached for the nightstand again, as he had felt a small package before, too. The condoms. He took the box out, took out one of them and opened it with his teeth - fuck, that was sexy – rolling it over his cock.

"They haven't the right size," he murmured. But the extra wet ones as he felt some moisty substance on his fingertips.

"Iwa-chan is too big?"

"Shut up."

"So, you'll last longer?"

"I said _shut up_."

The air was filled with Oikawa's heartful little laughter but he felt silent, when Iwaizumi positioned himself between his legs, bending them slightly.

"Okay... I warned you", she shorter male said.

"Put it in already," Oikawa moaned when he had his hole been touched by the tip of Iwaizumi's cock. And it was not the only one. Right away, filling the setter with his full length, Oikawa gave another passionate groan, feeling how he was widened much more and how it felt so much better than only being fingered.

It was different from their first time. Iwaizumi got in much easier and although itwas tight, it was not so crushing. Fuck... that was good.

"Iwa-chan~" Oikawa moaned his stupid nickname, putting his arms around the other's neck, "Mhm~ tell me, how often did you think of me, doing it on your own?"

"I didn't!" Iwaizumi lied, swallowing hard.

"Or... how often _didn't_ you think of me? Showering? In your bed? Or... even in school?"

"Shittykawa, shut the fuck up or I'll sto--aaah~!"

Oikawa's eyebrows lifted when heard his Iwa-chan moaning like that - saw it. When his eyes were squeezed shut, the almost tortured face expression shown.  
Oh, that was something he liked!  
He shifted his hips, making it easier for Iwaizumi to come deep as their bodies got closer. The ace started to thrust with efficiency, slowely but then a bit faster.  
Although the last time was some time ago, the movements came in absolute naturally. Putting a hand on Oikawa's knee, he pressed it to his chest, changing the angle. Let himself carried away to give in the frenzy, until Oikawa did the same.  
Their skin rubbed against each other, their breath flattened in synch. The setter's fingertips wandered across Iwaizumi's neck, through his hair, ruffling it and finally finding their way back to his shoulder, where his nails scratched the skin.

"Ahh~ mhmm... H-Hajime..."

He did not hide it to show his affection, to show his lust and encouraged Iwaizumi to do the same. Not stopping, not being able to stop, anymore.  
His lips looked for a sport under Oikawa's ear, sucking on it, and listened to the voice, drenched in pure lust, of his best friend, who had wrapped his legs around Iwaizumi's hips, pressing him deep inside. Wanting more.  
Their rhythm fell into a quick pace – almost perfectly – their movements smooth, Iwaizumi's thrusts with the right strength and Oikawa's hip jerks at the right time.  
Until the ace hit a sport inside, which made Oikawa widen his eyes and raising his voice:  
"Ahh... oh God... mhmm... ahh.... T-There... r-right there... Ahh! H-Hajime!!!"

Wow...He had never given it a thought, that it would send shivers down his spine, hearing Oikawa saying his name, moaning it, like this. Never thought, that they would have sex for a second time and that this one would be so passionate. He felt, how much Oikawa liked this. Wanted this. _With him._ And Iwaizumi felt the same.  
He also wanted the same, wanted more and more of him.

Oikawa sensed how the other's cock swelled inside him, pushed against his walls and hitting his weak spot all over again, letting him see the stars.  
He panted, felt his own member twitching in agony, when their hips meet again.  
However, his own hand get a grip around his cock, moving up and down fast, to stimulate it, too.  
When Iwaizumi noticed it, he loosen Oikawa's fingers, who looked puzzled at him. But Iwaizumi did not answer, forcing him into another deep kiss, which let Oikawa forget about the world and everything else but them. So he took care of that twitching member and making Oikawa moan into the kiss. He would not last any longer and soon, he came. Right into Iwaizumi's hand and on his stomach.

"F-Fuck... T-Tooru..." Iwaizumi also could not hold back anymore, as Oikawa's walls close around him, giving him too much stimulation, now. His movements slowed down, but it did not matter - he got over the edge, heavy throbbing cock inside the other, "Ahh... _Tooru_!!"

They took their time until the waves calmed down, until they were able to catch their breath. Until... Iwaizumi opened his eyes again and noticed, that he had been watched by Oikawa probably the whole time. The... _whole time_?  
Oikawa's smile revealed the truth: Yes. That time, too. Shit. Presumably, Oikawa could make fun of him now, until he would die.

"Hajime..." Soft, almost in an exhale, Oikawa did everything now, but not laughing, "That... was beautiful. _You_... looked beautiful when you came."

The crimson red face Iwaizumi's was hidden against Oikawa's chest, his forehead resting on his shoulder. What a strange compliment...  
But that lovestruck look in his brown eyes...   
Caressing Iwaizumi's wild black hair, he smiled.

"Next time... do me from behind," he requested quietly, making Iwaizumi look up in an instant.

"Next time?"

"If you want?"


End file.
